Goat Simulator/Moose Drool Brown Ale

Game: Goat Simulator, Coffee Stain Studios, 2014, PC
Beer: Moose Drool Brown Ale, 12 fl. oz., 5.1% abv
# of beers consumed during play: 2
Level Reached: Ha, ha...yes, levels...right...whatever.
Level of Intoxication: Buzzed

Game
I was originally going to review The Stanley Parable. I had the template ready, I had the beer, I even had a ready-made cache of witty phrases to help give color to the experience. An experience which in my opinion should not be missed. Then Goat Simulator by Coffee Stain Studios trotted into my life, ate $10 of my money, and headbutted my heart. This game--which was released on April 1st if that gives you any notion of its true intentions--is an unabashed representation of what every gamer would do if they were actually a goat. Indeed, I can hear you scoff through your computer screen, but ask yourself: if I could violently headbutt humans in their pelvises free from any sort of repercussion, would I? If your answer is anything but yes, you have just failed my secret communism test and are required to immediately report back to the DPRK. Tell Dennis Rodman the free world says hello. For everyone that isn't a North Korean spy, however, allow me to extol the virtues this game has to offer.

Gameplay
Okay, before we get started, I must add one huge caveat; this game really doesn't have any goals loftier than "break that thing over there". There isn't any story, there isn't a plot, there isn't even a hard "endpoint" to the game. All the energies this game has are laser focused on one thing, to cause any and all havoc and to give birth to ridiculous situations for you and your drinking buddies to laugh about. After pressing the Any Key, players are dropped unceremoniously into the hooves of an unassuming little grey goat. The game will helpfully set out an objective or two to push hesitant kids in the right direction, and before one is aware of their own actions, they find themselves face-to-face with something that can only be classified as remarkably explosive, and it is only then that the game's true allure will reveal itself. In most of the game's interactions, hilarity ensues, not primarily for any jokes or gags they might invoke, but moreso for the complete randomness that the game engine is able to provide. To be sure, there are a lot of hilariously funny gags and secrets programmed into the game, but in my humble experience, the absolute best moments are the ones that are completely unexpected. For example, doing a flying headbutt into a gas station, instantaneously being knocked to the other end of the map, and getting the "Michael Bay" achievement. The awesome thing is that because of the way all the different elements interact, surprises abound, and despite a limited amount of world to interact with, there is enough to provide for a few hours of concentrated mirth.


It is a given that I've seen several reviews of this game around the internet that decry it for the simple experience it is and criticize the "one note joke" nature of the game. To be perfectly honest, I won't deny any of those claims. The game as a whole is extremely short and all of the fun little secrets can be found in an hour or two, perhaps less. There aren't any other levels on offer (yet), so once the current level is exhausted, there isn't much of a reason to come back except to make any of your less-important friends come over and play it for the first time. You know those friends, you didn't invite them the first time around because you didn't have any room left in the driveway after your good friends showed up, but you can't leave the lesser friends out in the cold because if your good friends mention the game at work and how much fun it was to drink and play the game with you, it'll be awkward for everyone. Unlike you, Goat Simulator doesn't discriminate between friends, and aims to give everyone the same great time, allowing adventurous gamers the opportunity to find varied and unusual little power-ups such as a jetpack, the ability to summon followers, and the ability to give headbutts so powerful, objects that are hit should be considered lost forever.

The game also allows you to "lick" things, which essentially attaches them firmly to the end of your tongue, allowing you to drag them all over the map, even if you inadvertantly headbutt something explosive. Part of the fun is watching your much chagrined goat hurtle from one side of the level to the other, pink tongue trailing behind like some ridiculous tow-rope, anchored by a screaming, on-fire human in a track suit while debris tumbles away from your departure point. That there's a game mechanic in place that allows you to spin your goat in midair and thus garner greater point values for it only serves to amplify the chaotic enjoyment. The fact that there exists in this world a combo called "Headbutt Gas Station+Michael Bay+Lick Human+Reach For The Stars+10 Front Flips" is a testament to how well the devs at Coffee Stain Studios understand me as a gamer. Of course, despite all the humor, the neat secrets and Easter eggs scattered throughout the landscape, there still aren't enough objectives to be able to call this a "full" game, and many may shy away from the $10 price tag. The developers themselves even suggest using that money to buy other things as opposed to Goat Simulator (including a live goat), and they openly admit that their game is broken and buggy. Fortunately, I feel this is the type of buggy that gets better in proportion to amount of alcohol consumed, meaning with enough beer, this could become the greatest game of all time, right up to the point I'm taken to the hospital for alcohol poisoning.

As already mentioned, some of the best moments in the game are the most chaotic ones, particularly when one or more of the "Known-but-neglected" bugs gets involved and makes whatever is happening onscreen even that much more bananas. Human beings on fire are great, but human beings on fire while stuck in a wall by their neck or ankle while quivering like a screaming jellyfish is pure golden joy. One of my favorite moments in recent memory is licking a protester carrying a sign reading "NO PENIS SHAPED FOOD" and standing on a trampoline, turning the human into something resembling a nightmare rendition of one of those old elastic paddle ball toys. The unbridled laughter I got out of watching such a display is either purifying or shameful, and frankly, I don't care which.


The game even comes with mutators which unlock after certain tasks are completed, and which take the ludicrousness to such frenzied heights, the best thing to do is to simply accept that you are witness to stimulus that our forebears could never have possibly accounted for and take pride in the fact that your eyeballs are pioneers. You are seeing things that would have made someone from another era claw their eyes out or possibly sacrifice their children in deference to the gods. No matter what else you take away from the game, positive or negative, know that you have the freedom to play something that--historically speaking--would have gotten you dragged to death behind a horse. If you can't appreciate that then you are dead inside and should be dragged to death behind a jet fighter. Don't worry, it won't take nearly as long as the horse.

Also, and I think this deserves to be mentioned all by itself, but there is a slow-mo button in the game, and it is glorious.

Graphics/Sound
The graphics, while able to be turned up a fair bit, aren't going to demand much of your computer or your attention. Cardboard cutouts are common, especially in the deep background surrounding the explorable map, and textures and objects repeat quite often. All the props in the game are exactly that, props, represented for the sole reason to give the game world more things to destroy. Gas cans, propane tanks, and vehicles which are apparently all rigged with C4 are one part of a larger mix that all promote chaos. Once something is smashed, blowed up, kicked, demolished, licked then dropped from great heights, or placed on one of the many fans scattered throughout the world, the resultant mess that is made is both visually and psychologically satisfying. There are some pretty cool lighting tricks implemented, such as realtime shadows, coronas, and particle effects, but overall, the graphics are more there to make you laugh than they are to make you go "ooh" and "ahh". Again, as stated above, what they lack in fidelity, they more than make up for in sheer, unadulterated silliness.


The sound...Well, once upon a time I thought the sound in Gumboy was crazy. Oh how much I have come to learn. The music is something Skrillex would have made had he been the recent recipient of an ice-pick lobotomy. There's a stilted techno feel which is threaded underneath the twisted pair of meandering country twang and rubbery, clumsy toots that seem to complement the onscreen action--indeed the entire premise of the game--in such granular perfection that it would be nigh impossible to associate this tune with anything else. I hope to one day meet the composer of this music and ask him about his views regarding aliens, as I'm certain they are as humorous as they are concerning. The composer's input on extraterrestrials notwithstanding, the other sounds in this game run the gamut from typical, to horrifying, to pure genius. Humans who are...aggravated in the game will scream or spout a small number of phrases, some of which aren't Disney-friendly. Objects manipulated (or molested might be a more accurate term) come with the same few crash or collision bites and will become fatiguing to hear after a while. Although I will say with complete confidence that the punchy sound that goes along with explosions is guaranteed to make anyone smile. You can make your goat bleat, and while some of the noises are a traditional, if still grin-inducing complement of goat-like noises, a couple random entries are surprising, hilarious, and will make many players choke on their Cheerios. The fact that the sounds, which are sadly neglected in too many games, were touched with the same sense of humor that the rest of this game enjoys is most certainly a good thing, elevating the experience as a whole, and offering another layer to a cake already filled to bursting with delicious outlandishness.

Story
Yet another game without any true narrative. In this case, any vestige of story would likely take away from the core experience, which I think relies on the complete absence of pretext to ascend to the carefree nirvana it presents to the player. I won't do what I normally do in this circumstance, which is to either come up with a story of my own, or to gripe about overused writing conventions. Instead, I'll mention some interesting facts about goats. Goats live between 8-12 years. They don't like to get wet. Goats don't have tear ducts, making them perfect for speeches at weddings. In Rome, men would dress in nothing but the skin of a sacrificed goat, and run around hitting random women with strips of goat skin called februa in order to promote fertility and purification. This is where the month of February gets its name and makes your last Valentines Day look like an Amish funeral. Next year, celebrate Valentine's the Roman way. I dare you.

Also, you cannot un-know what you now know. You've just been attacked with knowledge. Deal with it.

Beer
Moose Drool is a characteristic brown ale from the Big Sky Brewing Co., which is based in my own birthplace, Montana. Having been born in Montana, I can attest to the region being filled with giants, who are not only unparalleled in their beauty and strength, but are also unrivaled in their intelligence and charm. Their raw talents are many, including taming direwolves, slaying White Walkers, writing websites about video games, and of course the ancient and hallowed art of brewing beer. Moose Drool is only one of an entire spectrum of animals on offer from Big Sky and friends, each animal in this case bearing the mantle of a different style of brew. Thus far only having tried Moose Drool, I am sufficiently intrigued to consider trying other varieties such as Heavy Horse (a Scotch Ale) and Trout Slayer (a Wheat Ale). Particularly considering that their entire line up is comprised of similarly worded testosterone-enhancing kickassitude. How manly does one sound, walking up to a bar and ordering a Trout Slayer? "Barkeep, I have traveled long and hard to get here, fighting many lowly bandits and highwaymen. Only a Trout Slayer may begin to quench my thirst!" I know for a fact you just read that aloud in your head in the manliest voice possible, and trust me, even if you read it in Stephen Hawking's robo-voice, it would still sound manly as hell, because Trout Slayer.

Smell
Strong citrus blends with an airy hint of pine, or perhaps moose...I'm not certain, but what I can say is the smell is definitely full-bodied and rather attractive. The spike from the alcohol is sharp and well balanced, although it is so clean there almost seems to be a whiff of soap in there as well. There seems to be a slight roastiness to the whole affair, but nothing quite as strong as a Guinness or even a Newcastle might import. The Big Sky Brewing Co. knows that a beer's smell can either be a welcoming bouquet or a thorny stench and have wisely decided against the latter. "Beer is not cheese" they may be inclined to say, before felling a centuries-old tree with a single deafening blow.

Taste
Very bold, with a definite roasted coffee flavor helped along by a rough grainy snap. The taste is refreshing and light, but also somehow full and satisfying. When it first hits your tongue, there is almost a sweetness that immediately flattens out and deepens, while a bitter, grainy aftertaste lingers. It's not bad, but it may turn some off with the way it seems to chase every pull from the bottle with that slightly pickled flavor that many people associate with the morning after a rough night out. I've found that these are excellent beers to pair with fire-cooked meat, since that slight lingering tang seems to complement the food rather than taint it. This is certainly a beer for adventurous palettes, or possibly ones that have wrestled bears.

Intoxication
The refreshing feeling coupled with the ease of drinkability, multiplied by the fairly average 5.1% alcohol content, means the first few beers will be fun and enjoyable for yourself and those around you. Beyond that though, as the bar tab climbs, so will lack of coordination, slurred speech, bathroom use, and offhand comments you can never take back. Using a bit of perseverance and self-control might help you keep from throwing up in the parking lot of a Waffle House at 3 in the morning. Much like in the unforgiving land that keeps savage Canadian tribes at bay, Moose Drool will either accept you into her bosom, or strip you of your dignity and leave you to die of exposure. Much like many other beers, but strangely enhanced in this fashion, Moose Drool will let you make aaaaaaall the mistakes you want. Moose Drool is not your mother.

Feel
A particular fullness on the tongue coupled with a light pop from the carbonation means it's a little like drinking beer-flavored Pop Rocks. While most times this may be construed in an insulting light, in this case the carnival on the tongue makes for a pretty good time. Easy to drink and consistently refreshing are two qualities you don't often see in rank-and-file beers for a couple of different reasons. One, because those two qualities are naturally difficult to balance, particularly when trying to preserve a certain level of taste. Two, because when those qualities are paired correctly, the drink produced is usually dangerously easy to overindulge in. Moose Drool gleefully dances on the edge of this volcano. I will say that the leaden feeling one acquires in the gut not long after the first few rounds is one of this drink's natural self-defense measures. Heed this feeling and you should be fine.

The Matchup
Here we have an incredibly potent mix, one property that is carefully measured and one that is so bonkers, it comes with a disclaimer urging you to buy real livestock. The fact that both can live on opposite sides of the fence and still be worthy in their own right is a testament to the variety that life can offer and how quality (or at the very least a guilty pleasure or two) can take many different forms. As is true with both products, there may be those turned off by their basic properties, and that isn't so much a failing of the item on offer as it is simply a simple matter of taste. If nothing else, I can say that I licked a hang glider with a mouth full of moose drool, and in my humble opinion, being able to say that was worth the experience.

Cheers/Game on.