Game: Combatribes, Technos, 1990, Arcade
Beer: Four Loko, 23.5 fl. oz., 12% abv
# of beers consumed during play: 1
Level Reached: The end credits...
Level of Intoxication: Three Sheets to the Wind
Game For those of you who are idly wondering what kind of game Combatribes is, allow me to offer a simple video game-based comparison: Combatribes is like Double Dragon's younger brother who listens to death metal. While Double Dragon sits around listening to Journey and air-guitars in his socks in front of the bathroom mirror, Combatribes goes and hangs out with his friends after curfew and smokes cigarettes...while air-guitaring in front of chicks. Where Double Dragon lays claim to helping to shape the brawler genre, but has a few minor stumbling blocks due to being an innovator; Combatribes is intended more as a refinement and while bringing comparatively nothing new to the table, manages to be smoother and more involved.
Gameplay
As mentioned above, Combatribes takes the Double Dragon formula and attempts to improve in the areas Double Dragon fell short. For anyone who never played Double Dragon, and to stealthily move away from wanton Double Dragon comparisons, the game featured two fighters who punched, kicked and elbowed their way through cadres of unusual (and at times cheap) enemies in an effort to best the final boss. Pretty standard fare by today's expectations, but groundbreaking at the time. Combatribes takes a similar approach, but the punches, kicks, and elbows are supplemented with even more punishing moves, all of which are the kind that you secretly wish you could perform on that guy in the next cubicle who always laughs like a horse while watching YouTube videos on company time. Your offensive arsenal includes the standard punch and kick combos, but also includes hair-grabs, knees, throws (into other baddies), bashing the skull of an unfortunate enemy into the concrete, kicking guys while they're down, throwing motorcycles and other debris at people you dislike, and in an unprecedented display of multitasking, bashing the skulls of two enemies together. In an effort to ensure you use all of those fancy moves, the game helpfully throws as many bad guys at you as it possibly can at one time, routinely resulting in a screen that has more wildly flailing arms and legs than an X-Games highlight reel. All of these bad guys are dead set on chipping away at your health, and in classic Beat-em-up fashion, will do so despite your best efforts because at the end of the day, the game maker wants all your quarters. All I'll say on that regard is the punk-rocker with the hammer, and the Indian dude with tomahawks, and the biker with a caber and a beer gut...and the bionic machine-gun arm guy...and the fire spitting circus dude...and just about everyone else that isn't controlled by you.
For those who persevere however (or have an unlimited supply of quarters), the game is host to some outstanding gameplay moments sprawled through some truly original and memorable levels and characters. Throwing one bad guy into a crowd of others and watching them all dogpile is cool, but the real greatness comes when you walk over to all of them and start bashing heads, kicking bodies, and causing general havoc. The ability to approach any situation in a variety of ways helps to immerse the player and opens up possibilities for events that can be awesome and downright hilarious. The elation I feel when I'm smashing a fat clown's head into the pavement is difficult to quantify, but rest assured, it is bountiful.
Most levels are separated into two areas, and in each you'll fight a number of carbon-copy thugs until the boss shows up with an entourage of hate in tow. Dealing with any number of opponents at once is tough enough, but add to that a boss character who's tactics are cheaper than a two dollar prom dress and you have an instant go-to reference for why they really don't make very many Beat-em-ups any more. The boss fights are long, arduous grinds full of aggression and piggish maneuvering in an attempt to get some damage in without being turned to mush by a litany of unanswerable hits. Any player who is either stubborn or rich enough to arrive at the last level will most likely throw their hands up in disgust when they realize that Combatribes also falls into one of the other less-loved conceits of the old brawler genre, that of a level filled in entirety with recycled bosses. If you want to beat Combatribes and do not have a method of garnering free play, you either need to have a Neo-level understanding of the Matrix, or be Richie Rich because unlike Double Dragon, there is no "Magic Elbow". Remember, as much fun as Combatribes can be at times, it still hates you. Forewarned is forearmed.
Graphics/Sound
I really hate making the Double Dragon comparisons, but Combatribes is most definitely a spiritual sequel to the venerable pioneer, and as such will inevitably draw a number of parallels. The graphics will most definitely recall the house that Billy and Jimmy Lee built, albeit with a marked upgrade in detail and animation, not to mention eliminating the much chagrined slowdown that plagued the original. Levels are, as mentioned above, highly varied and rife with color and verve. From the detailed storefronts in the first level to the manic lights and movement in the club level, all the way to the posh interiors of the highrise level, each stage is set and detailed in a way that draws the player in. The characters themselves are also quite detailed, featuring generous amounts of animation, including custom frames for different actions and circumstances. The way the enemy's arms hang limply when you grab two of them and force them to kiss each other at 200 Mph adds that perfect touch and shows that in the right hands, a great deal can be conveyed through the power of the pixel.
The sound is also riddled with reruns from the older Taito/Technos standby, knife sounds are nearly pitch perfect carryovers from Double Dragon, as are certain sounds of faces being pounded. Unfortunately, the funny, weird croaky sound of a baddie dying was not carried over from DD to Combatribes, which would have made the game about 1000% more entertaining. The music in the game was adequate, nothing really stood out or stuck in my mind, and it wasn't like I was headbanging or throwing up horns while I was playing. But I didn't hate anything that came out of the speakers so I guess--if nothing else--the composers of Combatribes have a distinct advantage over the guys that made the music for Lizzie McGuire: Homecoming Havoc. There's a complement in there somewhere.
Story
In Combatribes, you step into the shoes of one of three muscle-bound brawlers whose names all start with the letter "B" and who all wear brightly colored, head-to-toe coordinated jumpsuits. Sorta like Charlie's Angels but with less makeup and more ass-kicking. As with many arcade games of its era, a story per se wasn't exactly high on the list of requirements during the developmental process and as such they typically let the cousin of one of the developers write a quick synopsis to get the game going. The big burly brawling guys--who are most certainly not sissy, wimpy, chicks controlled by a speakerphone, but who still manage to look fabulous in yellow, blue, and red, respectively--are set upon a mission to battle a shadowy syndicate in control of all the local gangs. In their travels they happen to meet an unlikely yet colorful cast of characters who, because of the magical limitations of arcade ROM sizes divulge no information whatsoever. After whipping the asses of enough people to populate Boise, Idaho, our heroes arrive at the real root of the corruption, which I will reveal here because a) Combatribes is a 22 year old game and the statute of limitations for spoilers has long expired, b) because as previously mentioned the story is an afterthought and spoiling it is only doing you a favor, and c) the end-end boss is a cyborg chick in a miniskirt named Martha Splatterhead. The potential for cheap laughs over such a name far outweighs any potential benefit gained by holding back spoilers.
Splatterhead. We both know what you're thinking.
Beer
I've been meaning to get Four Loko on this site for a while now, not just because it has what sounds like a foreign insult for a name, or because it has easily the most eyeball-melting art design on the face of the planet, but because it was censured by the FDA and the company that makes it was forced to reformulate it. While I may not have gotten one of the cans of what the internet has taken to calling "liquid cocaine", I think the experience I had with the drink is still comparable and at the very least I got to sample an alcoholic beverage that apparently has no quality checks beyond the question "is the new batch toxic enough?" After spending an evening with this particular brand of ferment, I can with full and complete confidence say that Four Loko is exactly what I would drink were I ever instructed at gunpoint to severely poison myself but not die.
Smell
Well, let's just get this out of the way, I'm not certain about the other flavors, but the Purple flavor smells exactly like grape soda. Only when I closed my eyes and really, really concentrated could I detect even the faintest hint of alcohol. When one considers what's going on here, it's actually quite alarming. A 12% alcohol-by-volume malt liquor lurking under a completely innocuous odor of sugar and artificial flavors. In nature, many animals use the sense of smell to detect dangerous substances, when something is either odorless (such as deadly antifreeze) or deceptively delicious smelling (such as your baby sister's cake made with super extra salt) one's first line of defense against ingesting bad things is defeated. In the case of Four Loko, the grape soda smell is not only seemingly harmless, but cautiously inviting. Add to that the fact that in appearance Four Loko is a deep uniform purple tint, and one begins to realize the sinister disguise this drink effortlessly assumes.
Taste
Again, need I mention that it seems as though Four Loko pulls out every possible stop to resemble grape soda? I'll skirt around the obvious racial joke and just say that someone was probably driving around one day in a car that may or may not have resembled a heavily modified '69 Impala, and lamented inwardly that while grape soda was the absolute shizzle, the one heavy shortcoming that prevented it from being essentially hookless was that it had no alcoholic content and thus could not on it's own bring about a feeling of crunkitude. "Oh my word, indeed," this imaginary person of unspecified skin tone would exclaim, "I do believe that the remedy to this particular quandary is quite obvious, and furthermore, it lies upon my conscience to bring this breakthrough to all of my fellow man who share my vexation. Verily!"
Lest you ask, yes. I absolutely believe in my heart those are exactly the words that were uttered. Moving on.
Aside from the grape soda thing, the big blast is the alcohol, which is completely unmaskable, even under the desperate and severe layers of sugar and artificial flavors. After enough mouthfulls of this, the taste begins to flatten out, and by the time one reaches the bottom of the 23.5 ounce can, their tongue is pickled and the only sensation is that of sugars broken down through the fermentation process. Even the artificial flavors give way to the overpowering taste of fusel alcohol.
Intoxication
Thanks to the near-deadly alcohol content, this beverage intoxicates fast and lays the whirlies on heavy. For those individuals who feel like every minute of a Saturday night spent sober is another minute wasted, Four Loko is here to help. Before half the drink is down, one can count on a distinct decline in equilibrium, accompanied by an equal loss of mental faculty. When I say this drink kills brain cells, I'm not just overstating the obvious. Four Loko is Bruce Willis in Die Hard, and your brain cells are the German terrorists. Standing up presents new challenges, as does walking, discerning between proper restrooms and random shrubbery, and convincing the officer at the checkpoint that being the least drunk out of the group is just like being sober. (Don't drink and drive kids, it's as cool as plaid socks, mullets, and starring on Jersey Shore.)
Feel
Like ulcers? If so then Four Loko is the brew for you! The slight carbonation will allow you to down this as fast as you please and before you know it, your stomach will feel like an IED. In addition, all the sugars and artificial flavors will give you a sugar high before they put you in a frame of mind I like to refer to as "tired." If you have never experienced a proper sugar crash, Four Loko will show you what you've been missing and then some. The enhanced crash brought upon by the depressant qualities of the alcohol will basically make you want to do a flying face-dive into a pillow. Of course, thanks to the high alcohol content and your resultant lack of motor skills, you'll likely miss. Please record it and post on the internet for the entertainment of the rest of us. Thanks.
The Matchup
Every review I do is a learning experience, and this one is no different. In this case, I learned why the Brawler genre slowly died off in the early 2000's despite more reasons to survive than not and why when the government feels the need to step in and regulate alcohol manufacturers, the best place to turn is Craigslist. I also learned that when one game in a genre is popular and another isn't, there's a pretty good reason for that. Finally, I have learned that if alcohol appears to be marketed to minors, it probably tastes terrible.
Cheers/Game on.