Game: The Outfoxies, Namco, 1994, ArcadeBeer: Leffe Blonde, 16 fl. oz., 6.6% abv
# of beers consumed during play: 3
Level Reached: HAHAHAHA did you see that whale??!!?!
Level of Intoxication: Buzzed
Game
During this go-around, we'll be reviewing an arcade game made by Namco. The game is called The Outfoxies, and was created in a time before Namco had made crazy hair a requirement to enter fighting tournaments. This was in 1994, back when the brushfire that was 3D polygons had as yet to engulf arcades, and decades before Namco would merge with Bandai. For anyone unfamiliar with Bandai, they are best known for a television show that can only be described as Voltron if it was acted out by feral children on the derelict set of Pee-Wee's Playhouse. Waaay before Namco had been gutted by the house that Megazord built though, they created Outfoxies, which is best described as a spy-themed, long-lost great-grandaddy to the Super Smash Bros. games. While it may be difficult for Nintendo fanboys to admit that SSB isn't an original idea, what they'll find in this ghost of brawlers past are the same solid game concepts that made the Super Smash Bros. games such hits while having the freedom to escape the kid-friendly treatment. Of course, that hasn't stopped the designers here from going way, waaaay out into left field in regards to the situations you can find yourself in this game.
Gameplay
As I sit down to write this, the scene that is still currently burnt into my frontal lobe is this: a giant hanging whale display looms above an aquarium. My character--a hulking black man in a suit and tie with one bionic hand--stands atop this whale with a machine gun, defending my position from my opponent, a blonde woman dressed all in white, who stands on the platform below. Suddenly, explosives detach the whale from its supports, causing it to crash down, destroying the platforms beneath it. As the platform my opponent is on collapses out from under her, she is thrown into a shark tank below. She climbs out over the side, narrowly escaping the shark's jaws, but just then, the giant whale--which I'm still standing on with my machine gun--crashes down on the statue of King Neptune below, triggering a chain reaction that floods the arena with water, overflowing the tanks and releasing sharks, electric eels, and piranhas into the lowest level of the area. Countless sea critters gnash at my hapless opponent as she scrambles to higher ground, only to be met with a litany of machine gun fire raining down upon her from my position atop the whale. All of this happens within the span of 10 seconds, and it only gets more frenetic from there. What any player soon finds out is that the stages are just as much of an enemy as the other characters onscreen, as both player-triggered and scripted events change aspects of the level and dramatically alter any advantage anyone had. Each level has its own personality and hidden surprises, and each level is as varied and dynamic as the last. In one circumstance, you may have it out atop a speeding steam locomotive, complete with low-topped tunnels and the risk of being crushed under the wheels. Another level may have you in a military plane, flying through the sky and bristling with weaponry such as turrets and rocket launchers. Then again, you may find yourself battling on the roof of a skyscraper that begins to crumble as a helicopter crashes through the ceiling. Awesome? Yes. 9/11 sensitive? Eh...it was a different time.
Each stage challenges players to adapt to dangerous surprises and exploit new-found opportunity. This dynamic keeps the gameplay fresh as there are always new secrets to be found and features of the level to be experimented with. Interactivity with the stages is quite impressive, including--but most certainly not limited to--elevators, crates, and barrels (this is very much like Crate and Barrel, but way better and only for deadly spies). Other goodies littering each level include grenades, machine guns, swords, flame throwers, and pies. YES I SAID PIES. Using weaponry can have consequences that reach beyond the immediate threat of damage, and can destroy platforms, set off traps, throw one or all players off the level, or catch things on fire. So far, I have not found a single game in which touching fire is a good thing, and in the case of Outfoxies, fire not only hurts, but can spread from person to person like a digital representation of chlamydia, complete with all the burning and the curse words. As mentioned in the narrative above, stages will have all kinds of timed unpleasantness, and success will rely on the player's ability to navigate and capitalize on the chaos raining down around them.
With all the insanity going on in the stage at one time, you would want the controls to be as tight as possible, as in the proverbial drum, or mumblemumblesomethingpromnight. Unfortunately, the controls are a bit unpolished, and character movement feels gummy as a result. Compounding this a bit is the slightly jerky animation. The result is a control scheme that takes a fair bit of getting used to, even before you start learning the characters' own wacky moves. Interestingly enough, even in the latest iteration of SSB, the controls have a teenie, weenie, tiny bit of mushiness to them, so really, I'm inclined to give that over as a concession to the genre. Since the controls are what they are, the real interest becomes how the characters in the game interact with one another, and here is where things get weird, frustrating, hilarious, and amazing. As hinted at above, characters are all strange and interesting, and attack in a variety of ways. Even without machine guns or high explosives, each character has a repertoire of physical misery waiting in the wings for their opponent to experience. Running and jumping come with special attacks, and since most of the time you'll be race-fighting your opponent to a particularly choice weapon elsewhere in the level, these are the attacks you'll probably use most often. To ground this example in modern gaming, just think about all the screaming you did while trying to keep your frenemy away from the Final Smash token in SSB and you'll understand the panic I felt trying to beat a goddamn chimpanzee dressed in a tux to a rocket launcher. On a yacht. In the ocean. While helicopters drop grenades. I swear to you I am not kidding. Also, the chimpanzee's name is Dweeb.
Dweeb. Why has there never been a sequel to this game?
As one can see, the best parts of this game come from the intersections of so many elements at once, as if the game designers thought, "Sure, fighting on a boat in the ocean against a killer chimpanzee is crazy, but what if sharks randomly jump on board the boat and attack anyone nearby?" In playing this game, on every level, it seems like the designers asked these kinds of questions frequently and always replied with something along the lines of "Add all the crazy!" As anyone who plays and enjoys the SSB series of games can attest, more crazy equals more giggliciousness (GIH-guhl-lish-uhs-ness). I'm sure I speak for many when I say more tasty laughter is always welcome in my home. Outfoxies offers said laughter in spades, and from all directions. The cartoon-like screech of surprise from the chimpanzee as he is thrown into an electrified power station by the blast from a hand grenade is nearly therapeutic after having chased him across a level and back. Trust me when I say having a rocket launcher fight on top of the trapeze act at a circus is also therapeutic on a similar level, and BFF trust me when I say that everything I've said in this review actually happens in the game. I ask again, why has there never been a sequel? The only good reason I can think of is that arena brawlers give players a bit too much freedom to really make for a profitable arcade game. A fighting game such as Street Fighter II gives players nothing to do other than destroy each other, which players usually do in very short order. Outfoxies on the other hand allows players time and space to strategize and plant traps, time that isn't being used to put another quarter in the machine. I'm sure other reasons include the difference in development cost with a game that has tons of things happening at once, the essentially unheard-of arena brawler niche, and the release of arcade sensation Killer Instinct earlier that year. Above all though, Capcom was still riding on a sugar-high of profits from the SFII franchise, keeping the entire 1-v-1 fighting genre front and center with the gaming public. All of these factors coalesced to relegate The Outfoxies to a far corner of the arcade floor. In fact, the same month The Outfoxies was released in arcades, another Namco team debuted the very first Tekken game to massive acclaim, all but ensuring Outfoxies a quick and unceremonious exit out the back door.
Politics aside, the single player campaign features seven colorful and interesting fighters to choose from, each with their own strengths and weaknesses. Dweeb the Dapper Darwinian has superior speed and maneuverability, coupled with a small target. Other characters have greater resistance to damage, faster handling of weapons, or, as in the case of Dr. Asian Stereotype, a bulletproof wheelchair. All these abilities co-mingle at different levels, and thus, some characters have a marked advantage over others. This unbalancing, coupled with so many other random elements can at times drag the funfactor down, causing unnatural spikes or dips in the difficulty. This, coupled with the utter complexity of the stages can also cause CPU opponents to become "lost" in the level, constantly climbing up and jumping off the same platform, or simply wedging themselves in a tight corner until you kill them. During one playthrough, I watched in bemusement as my CPU opponent continually jumped into a tank of piranhas, got nibbled on, climbed out, and immediately jumped in again. Barring such hilariously broken examples of AI, the game is still a thrill to play, and the number of times you can play through the game and still be completely surprised by something new is staggering.
Again, it should be reiterated that this game was a complete forerunner, establishing concepts that would be extensively reused almost 6 years later in the very first Super Smash Bros. Given the occasional glitch and rough patch, and considering the era of arcade machines this game inhabited, it's actually surprising this game saw the light of day at all. With arcade rats all flush with excitement over the next iteration of Capcom fighter, only the lucky few would hang around to plunk a quarter into this cabinet. Perhaps those who had remembered Sega's 1989 top-down classic Crack Down, or even someone who had suffered-slash-enjoyed the strategic platforming of Xenophobe. Point being that The Outfoxies catered to a gamer with slightly different interests, and offered much more depth than an initial glance at the attract screen would suggest. Though the movement and controls are a little jerky, and the unbalanced matchups aren't perfect, this gem from arcades past showcases an original concept that was perhaps a little too ahead of its time. It's a shame too, considering nowadays, The Outfoxies is almost completely forgotten. In a time period when home ports of arcade games were becoming increasingly common, a console version of this would have not only been possible, but welcomed with open arms. Gamers of the time, equipped with their Super Nintendos and Sega Genesises (Genesees? Genesai? What is the plural of a system with laryngitis?) would have clamored for such a unique fighter in their living rooms. Alas, this is one chapter of gaming history that has been quietly left behind, and due to the fluidity of arcades and the rapid evolution of gaming technology, only a very narrow cross-section of gamers will get a chance to experience this game.
Graphics/Sound
The mid-90's were an interesting and tumultuous time in arcades. A few years earlier, SFII had hit the scene like the fist of an angry god and single-handedly re-energized arcades worldwide. Game manufacturers began assembling multiple teams to develop more than one game at a time, and the graphics technology began to evolve at a rapid rate, with many custom tricks and special effects created for a single game, never to be used again (Sega's "AM" divisions were particularly well-known in this regard). This "Wild West" of sorts for design teams led to some truly original and astonishing games, with graphics to match. Outfoxies is no slouch in this department. With huge, sprawling levels, detailed characters, and multitudes of special effects such as scaling, rotation, and dozens of onscreen sprites, Outfoxies was (and in my opinion, still is) an immense treat to watch, even with the advent of more modernized graphics techniques. Though some of the animations are a bit unpolished, they're still incredibly creative and fun, one of my personal favorites is one of Dr. Cheng's attacks, whereupon his wheelchair's mechanized arm picks him up by the nape of his neck and whips him in the direction of his enemy like a wet towel. Gorgeous and clever touches such as this abound in the game, whether it's the detailed look of dismay on someone's face as they're electrocuted, or the way an exploding rocket will cause the entire airplane level to sway madly. Similarly, the levels all have details that have been seemingly obsessed over, including the bent and twisted rotors of the helicopter as it demolishes its way through the skyscraper level, the intricate controls and conduits in the airplane level, and the detailed signs and exhibits in the aquarium level. Though in certain circumstances, the different elements look somewhat like cardboard cutouts, the coherent and well designed art style pulls the levels and characters together and breathes life into them long enough for them to beat one another to death.
The visual ballet is made even more delicious through the skillful use of sound, in this case being personified by a cacophony of gunshots, explosions, grunts and screeches, and the wanton crumbling of various things. An announcer punctuates the proceedings, announcing the match as well as weapon pickups. The voice samples are easily understandable, if a bit on the muffled side. For higher-pitched samples, such as those of the women's voices, some artifacting can be heard, but it does little to detract from the heat of battle. Explosions are rather meaty, with a deep timbre, making any encounters with rocket launchers or grenades that much more engrossing. Fire also has a parallel aural cue; the moment you hear that slow delicate crackling, you know either serious shit has gone down, or it's about to. Furthermore, given the known punishment of getting too close to fire, it's either an indication to run away quickly, or figure out the most damaging way of getting your opponent into that fire, depending on your particular playstyle. As I've said before, good sound puts you in the moment, it makes the virtual world you're visiting much more real, and puts the action much closer to you. In the context of a busy arcade, this is absolutely essential given to the fact that everything around you is constantly screaming for attention. Because of its niche genre, it's easy to forget that Outfoxies was in fact a cabinet sandwiched in-between other cabinets, all designed to be as loud and colorful as possible to entice gamers to spend money. Though this game is by no means quiet, the sounds utilized in this game are by and large not nearly as obnoxious as some arcade games I've had the misfortune to lean up against. That said, I will promise you the Mariah-Carey-wail-meets-radiation-poisoning-scream that Dweeb emits upon death can be heard from outside the arcade, and causes birds flying nearby to lose their heading. Just fair warning.
Story
Spies are cool. This is a point no one will argue. Even if you happen to have a pirate fetish which mysteriously developed after the Pirates of the Caribbean movies debuted, it isn't that hard to admit that spies are badass. In this particular go-round of high-tech skullduggery, a healthy bounty has been placed on the head of each participant, with a bonus for whoever can persevere and manage to take out Mr. Acme. Yes, Mr. Acme. Whether he is the undoubtedly rich peddler of contraptions with which the Coyote unsuccessfully attempted to ensnare the Roadrunner is still uncertain. What is certain however, is how he will sit back and watch as all the other spies make it a point to converge on your face. Please understand that when I say "converge on your face" I mean to say "thoroughly perforate with bullets". Interestingly, he's encouraging everyone to kill everyone, which basically makes him a dick with a fetish for The Hunger Games. Unsurprising then that when you finally reach the end of the game, you discover it is in fact Mrs. Acme who has been pulling the strings the entire time while her emasculated husband bakes cookies for the next super criminal summit. Again, any connection to Coyote and Roadrunner remains unclear. As I've iterated in previous arcade reviews, most arcade machines had about as much use for story as a glass of drinking water needs a few drops of AIDS in it. In most cases, story in arcade games was actually discouraged as again, cut-scenes attempting to explain shit was time new players weren't being cycled into the machine. All that to underscore the fact that while yes, the story is a dime-store retread of all the classic cloak-and-dagger spy fiction, just the fact that it exists is still pretty cool. All that said, at the end of the day, smart players will disregard the story and select the character that wins the most. Smarter players will select the character that wins the most until the end, at which point they'll die and choose the character whose ending they want to see. It's a valid strategy.
Beer
Leffe is a brew that I'd never heard of until I'd moved to Texas (of all places). Once there, it came to my attention and quickly became a taste I enjoyed. The problem was, it was difficult to find as the only place I could reliably find it was in the heart of Dallas. Unfortunately, at the time, I lived literally out in the middle of nowhere in the country. So it would go that I would have to engineer an excuse to drive into the city if I wanted a taste of this golden nectar. Availability notwithstanding, Leffe Blonde is actually just one of an entire assortment of Leffe offerings, including Leffe Brown, Leffe Tripel, Leffe Nectar, and--for those who had a drunk uncle who would come over dressed poorly as Santa, puke on the presents and knock over the tree--Leffe Christmas. So far, despite my diligence, I've only been able to find the Leffe Blonde and Brown varieties. As good as Leffe is (and it is good), the limited distribution makes it something that only enters my home in limited quantities. On the one hand, it's nice, because it keeps Leffe from becoming an "everyday" beer. On the other hand, dammit, I'm craving a beer and I can't find it. At any rate, when I do see this stuff, I pick it up whenever possible, because the only thing that beats drinking a great brew, is drinking a great brew and having someone else ask "Leffe? What's that? Is it good?"Smell
When one first presses the glass up to one's nose, the first smell will be a concentrated sweet-grainy-malty whirl of odorness. As the smell is explored more deeply, it takes on a bit of a musky floral scent. All this to say that the vigorous beard-stroking done by the fancy-pants brewers at Leffe Abbey is certainly not in vain, as the smell of this beer is definitely a complement to the rest of the experience. I will say that if you take just a passing whiff, you'll likely miss the greater complexities and what you'll detect is something straight out of a malt-liquor bottle. This is another reason this brew is best when poured into a glass, and while each bottle of Leffe insists it be blessed only by a special glass made by the Leffe Abbey, in my experience, any good piece of beerware will do. Once these small additional steps are taken (and really, what are you, a caveman? You spent $13 bucks on that six-pack, the least you can do is enjoy it...) the attentive drinker will notice this beer's olfactory delights rising up to greet them with every swallow, as if to say : "Welcome to Leffe, you're safe now, Bud Light can't find you here." The true bouquet of manliness that will issue forth from a properly poured glass of this is certain to not only put hair on your chest, but to simultaneously lock any of your unborn children into incredibly heroic destinies.
Taste
The easy cop-out here would be to just say bitter and hoppy. I could just plaster it around the rest of this section and be done with it, because for a drink that has stupid foil glued around the neck and a breathy story on the label about how aromatical and subtletastic it is, it's pretty goddamn bitter and hoppy. Fortunately, around about sip three or four, your palette will finally succumb to the bubbles and all at once, the taste of the Leffe as you drink it will begin to broaden and take on a depth that isn't normally associated with something as light as this. True, it's an ale, and thanks to that particular brew process, an eldritch magic is released, and flavor is infused at the molecular level. Also, I spelled "eldritch" correctly on the first try because I'm awesome and I drink Leffe. This atomic level of taste comes as absolutely no surprise to me since this is not only a Belgian brew, but it is the second oldest brew I've reviewed next to Mr. Unpronounceable (yes, that's a clickable link...go on, you know you wanna...). These two facets converge in such a way as to ensure this beer will have the chops to compete with virtually any other brew. Also, also, because I like writing inflammatory things, and because I like to offer some click-bait for those who stroll in from a Google search, Belgium is basically Germany with less-uncomfortable 20th-century history lessons. Much like European history, there is a bolt of lemony tartness that undercuts the experience, and in this, the drink maintains a strange sort of balance that helps to elevate it further above the basic trappings of domestic beers.
Intoxication
With a sneaky 6.6% alcohol content, Leffe is able to disarm you in the middle of a bar-b-que like a team of Navy Seals at an Al-Qaida slumber party. One minute you're enjoying your ribs, and the next you're telling a co-worker's longtime girlfriend about the last time he came back from Mexico with a rash. The best way to stave off this horrifying scenario is to look for the signs. Leffe Blonde will first fill your head with a warm, comfortable feeling. Much like the inviting smile on the face of a carnival ride operator, this is only to lull you into a false sense of security. The next stop, appropriately enough, is the whirlies, whereupon you'll begin to replace self-doubt with poor balance. Stay on the ride too long, and the added effects will be slurred speech, absentee coordination, and a next-morning bank statement that features a disproportionate number of apology drinks. What all the wordy-words mean is that Leffe and friends is capable of surprising even seasoned drinkers with a warm and robust intoxication. The windfalls/consequences you incur through said warm and robust intoxication belongs to you and only you...unless your buddies get arrested as well, in which case you'll have someone to help you come up with a cover story. If your story starts with "I was at the compound, cleaning my Chinese AK-47 and gossiping about hunky upperclassman Bryan McCallister when we heard Blackhawks overhead..." please e-mail me immediately.
Feel
Woo buddy, there's some effervescence here, and I'm not talking about the gothy late 90's metal band. The overall feel is light and fizzy, much like the well-known mainstream lagers, and really, this is one of the natural defense mechanisms in place to prevent cavalier drinkers from getting too reckless with Leffe. As one continues to the bottom of the glass however, as mentioned above, the beverage begins to broaden out, including the killer bubbles becoming far less killer. This is only a portent of things to come however, and anyone who has overindulged in a hearty ale will attest that they exact painfully slow revenge. As the bubblies leave, the drink begins to gather mass, much like a dying star. More than a couple of these in too short of a span of time, and the resultant supernova will treat anyone nearby with a preview of how the universe was born, complete with a big bang and a violent expulsion of matter. Fewer beers and less physical exertion however, will lead to an acutely leaden feeling, accompanied with the desire to upgrade one's liver. Unless you're on an active donor list (and if you are, and you're still drinking...Jesus...Uh, bravo, I guess?), you'll have to settle with a 7-layer burrito and a nap. The best combo I've found so far--particularly since it avoids acute liver failure--is pairing this with some gorgeous form of meat you've just pulled off the grill.
The Matchup
In case you feel the need to ask, writing this review was fun. I spent more time than I really needed with Outfoxies and Leffe because both are so good that I can't help but admit to a bit of overindulgence. Both are possessed of nuanced traits that help speak to a deeper quality, and both are similarly cursed with a name few have heard. While this will drastically reduce the number of eyeballs and brain-stems that experience these products, the lucky few who are informed will find themselves in a veritable playground of bad choices turning into worse ones without any further help. Those brave enough to try new things will likely be quite pleased with themselves, at least until they get blown off a ledge by a monkey with a stick of dynamite.
Cheers/Game on.