Game: Blackthorne, Blizzard, 1994, SNESBeer: Guinness Extra Stout, 12 fl. oz., 5% abv
# of beers consumed during play: 2
Level Reached: 4
Level of Intoxication: Buzzed
Game
Blackthorne is a game made by a company known as Blizzard. If you've never heard of Blizzard, chances are good that you're either Amish, or the only games you know of are the ones you play through Facebook. Of course, if you're from either one of those two camps, I honestly have no idea how you found your way to this site. At any rate, before Blizzard ever made World of Warcraft, they made games like this. I'm convinced that the reason Blizzard stopped making games such as Blackthorne is because they could never figure out how to charge a subscription fee for it or shoehorn in a real money auction house. I'm further convinced that had they made this game after the runaway success of WoW, they would have found a way.
Gameplay
Designed by Blizzard and marketed by Interplay, the game fell through the cracks in spite of one of its biggest strengths: Prince of Persia with guns. Much like the original (read: not 3D) Prince of Persia, Blackthorne is what I like to call a "deliberate platformer". Other games that used this same type of gameplay include Flashback: The Quest for Identity, Oddworld: Abe's Oddysee, and Heart of Darkness, one of my favorite titles of this ilk. All of these games seemed to be plagued with some sort of marginalism curse, despite great reviews in gaming publications of the time, they were only played by a hardcore fraction of gamers and eventually fell into relative obscurity with the passage of time. It's a shame too, as all the above-mentioned titles are fantastic games built on solid underpinnings. In all the games, the core mechanics are the same. Shown from a side-scrolling perspective, your character must navigate the environs and obtain items that allow them to open new areas and levels. Climbing ladders, grabbing ledges, running, crouching, and jumping are all used to negotiate obstacles, enemies, and various hazards. Combat is typically a one-on-one affair, with patience and timing being the biggest factors in determining whether you emerge victorious, or watch helplessly as your character is eviscerated in creative and interesting ways. In Blackthorne's case, your weapon of choice is a sublimely satisfying shotgun which when used has an amazingly punchy firing sound, and instantaneously transports you to a magical land where in firefights, all you have to do to ensure you don't get hit is to lean into the shadows. The firefights themselves require the aforementioned timing and patience, as the enemies you fight also have guns and they too lean into the shadows to avoid being hit. This mechanic can create some intense battles as enemies will slowly advance forward until they can actually knock you out of the shadows, chipping a unit or two off of your life and typically throwing you off-screen or into the deep pit you're foolishly taking cover right next to. Of course, these types of enemies aren't the only ones you'll run across. In addition to environmental hazards, you'll meet big bad guys with whips, rock monsters, and mounted machine guns. Each of these problems will require a different solution to overcome, and trust me when I say all of those solutions will involve you being awesome.
In addition to your awesome gun (which will get upgraded once or twice to something even awesomer), you will find many items to help you on your way, including health vials to give you a top-off, keycards to unlock new paths, and bombs. Oh sweet crab-apples, the bombs. When I say the use of bombs factors heavily into this game, it's like saying alcohol factors heavily into a frat party. You'll find yourself using bombs to blow open doors, take down particularly large and stubborn enemies, and in a number of circumstances, a weird, hovering, remote control bug bomb to annihilate some out of reach thing that you've decided doesn't need to exist any longer. I love the remote-explody-bug, and constantly wish for a bunch of them in real life. Yes, I realize I can get one of those little toy helicopters they sell at the mall and strap some C4 to it, but it just isn't the same. I always fly those damn things into a tree or under someone's car and then I have to go get it and when I do I realize that those things will break if you fly them into a pillow and I just wasted fifty bucks on something that looks cool, but only gave me like all of 10 minutes of actual enjoyment followed by a month or more of buyer's remorse. Those guys at the mall never tell you how hard it is to fly those damned things, they make it look so easy. Anyway, Blackthorne has tons of cool moments involving bombs. Moving on.
The game itself spans a number of differently themed environments, from the dismal, oppressive mines where you start out, to dark, foreboding cliffs, to a dank, dangerous castle where the main bad guy awaits, as well as a few other locales in between. The stages are all very long, and each environment will see a few levels before you move on, making it truly feel as if you're working to move forward. Considering this game's difficulty level, and the fact that if you die, you go all the way back to the beginning of the stage, you will be working your ass off for this game. This game isn't quite Nintendo Hard, but thanks to the older, more unforgiving game design, all but the best players will be treated to the game over screen many, many times. Thankfully, unforgiving does not mean cheap, and patience, perseverance, and a refined sense of timing and memory will help tenacious players prevail over the legions of semi-generic darkness.
Graphics/Sound
Anyone who knows me knows I have a bit of a soft-spot for the SNES. Though I was one of those lucky kids who happened to rock a SNES and a Genesis at the same time back during the storied 16-bit wars, I always gravitated to the box that Ninty built. As such, I always have a hard time faulting the graphics and sound the Super NES was capable of. Blackthorne is no different with a wonderfully directed art style, steeped in classic fantasy with a smattering of high-tech. The color palette is carefully chosen to advance the feeling that this entire world is full of pain and suffering, featuring browns, tans, and blacks, with sparing use of any bright colors. The art style is concise, making items and interactable objects very clear. Small touches in the animation help to breathe life into the game--your character rocking back every time he fires his weapon, the particle effects that go with a successful hit, and debris flying away from a door that just got bombed open--all go a long way to fleshing out this world that you're supposed to be saving. What is actually interesting about the graphics to me is what was not used; there is no Mode 7 scaling or rotation, no true transparancies, and no other flashy, "SNES specific" touches. In addition to keeping the visual narrative tightly bound, such restraint on the part of the designers allowed the game to be ported more easily to other platforms of the day.
The sound, as always on the SNES, is excellent. As already touched upon, the sound of your shotgun is deep and meaty, making any kills made with it seem all that more punishing. Your character grunts his way through the game without sounding too much like a caveman, and the dark laughter of enemies when they hurt you is pitch perfect. Nothing else motivates me to exact bloody revenge more than some ugly gun-toting orc giggling at the cheap shot he got in while I was coming up the ladder. Explosions are also thick and deep, making all of your destructive efforts seem that much more visceral. The music isn't bad, although most of the themes recycle more than they really should, but the spacey notes eventually fade into the background as you traverse the levels dealing death and dismemberment and occasionally fall into a pit filled with squealing, carnivorous plants. But at least it isn't Nickelback.
Story
From Wikipedia, which is always correct and never subject to whimsical vandalization by internet trolls:
Okay, pretty straightforward if you ask me...I think the best part for me was where the dude kills himself and turns into rocks. Of course, if you ask me (which I know you will), if Mr. I-kill-myself-and-turn-into-geodes had just turned into two lightstones instead of a lightstone and a darkstone, this whole fiasco could have been avoided. I mean, come on, what do you think is going to happen when you kill yourself in front of your children after telling one of them they will be getting a DARKSTONE of power? I've seen kids fight over an empty cardboard box like a couple of midget winos, but give one of them a darkstone? You're practically instructing the kid to turn evil. There has never been a darkstone in the history of ever that didn't start a bunch of problems.Blackthorne is set on the planet Tuul, which has existed for centuries without human knowledge. All of this time, Tuul's people have been ruled over by a single shaman who "was blessed with all knowledge". Years before the game begins, Thoros, the latest ruler, finds it near impossible to choose between his two sons as the next ruler. Believing it will solve the dilemma, he leads them to the deserts and kills himself. His body becomes two stones, light and dark, and he gives one to each boy to rule their own kingdoms respectively. The people of the lightstone form the kingdom of Androth, and the people of the darkstone form Ka'dra'suul. But while Androth respects their stone, Ka'dra'suul reject theirs, and are eventually transformed into monsters by it. In this time, a ka'dra named Sarlac seizes power. He forms an army and leads them against Androth.Knowing of his people's doom, the ruler of Androth, King Vlaros, with the aid of the Androth magician Galadril, sends his son Kyle to Earth to save his life. Vlaros also gives Kyle the lightstone for safe keeping. He wishes that Kyle can one day return and use it to save their people.20 years later, Kyle has become a renowned military captain and mercenary. After breaking out of prison facing court martial, Kyle begins having strange dreams, and eventually is reconfronted by Galadril. He is told that it is time to return to Tuul and save his people. The game begins here with Kyle setting out to kill Sarlac and reclaim his throne.
Beer
We all knew this was coming sooner or later. I know I've mentioned Guinness enough times on this site to clue even the densest mongoloid into the fact that Guinness is my favorite. Considering I also own a fair amount of Guinness-branded merchandise means this review is going to be hideously biased. In fact, just to get any undue confusion out of the way, let me go ahead and lead things off with this:Hooray for Guinness! I love Guinness so much and it makes me so happy when I drink it. I'm absolutely certain that everyone who works for the Guinness Brewing Company is just like me and we would all get along and play videogames together and go on awesome road trips to nowhere and be each others' wingmen when picking up chicks. If everyone had a pint of Guinness in their hands, there would be no more wars, no more poverty, no more disease, and quite possibly no more price-gouging for rare games on eBay. Guinness is awesome in a bottle, and anyone who disagrees should be fired into the cold reaches of space with nothing but reruns of Saved by the Bell to watch until they freeze to death.
Okay, now that I've gotten that out of my system...
Smell
As one might suspect, Guinness has a very deep, musky scent, with strong notes of coffee and maybe even a slight twinge of chocolate. The alcohol is in there, but is handily masked by the overall bouquet. The entire smell is coated by a strong roasted scent, which is a defining characteristic of any stout owing to the fact that in all stouts, a portion of the barley is actually roasted, giving the drink it's characteristic deep color and flavor. To some, this is what is off-putting about Guinness and stouts in general. To others, who routinely save children from house fires, escort hostages to safety, and kill terrorists with telekinesis, this flavor is what gives them the courage and power to be heroes. The scent of a Guinness is like the scent of a woman's perfume, as soon as you catch that whiff, you know you're going to have a good time. Unless of course you steer clear of stouts and orbit more readily around pilsners, lagers, and IPA's, in which case the smell of Guinness might cause you to make a funny face and say, "Oh GOD, you like Guinness? What's wrong with you?" To which I may calmly reply, "Tá tú carn lag cíocha fear dúr ní bheadh a fhios ag deoch maith má poured a mháthair é a isteach ina bhéal lena chum draoi d'aois."
Taste
Guinness hides nothing. The smell tells you exactly what's going to happen to your mouth. Again the coffee and roasted flavors come on strong. The taste is complex, with a great amount of bitterness shocking the unsuspecting mouth into prison-bitch-like submission. Those unprepared for the thick, bitter, roasted flavors of a Guinness Stout will likely have to lie down for a while and think about what happened and how it defines them as a person. Such introspection will lead to a questioning of the world's problems and how they relate to one's self, and when the newly indoctrinated Guinness drinker arises from their mental stupor, they will have become more aware of themselves and the world around them, and likely will have become the newest fan of the heavenly nectar that is Guinness. Or not, which is fine because that just means more Guinness for me.
Intoxication
I found out that Guinness's alcoholic content varies by locale, and that as far as Extra Stout goes, Ireland and England actually get the weakest varieties. America is up there, but we actually lose out to Japan, who gets 6% abv. Why a country populated with some of the smallest people on earth gets the strongest brew is a complete mystery to me. Just one more check-box that tells me I need to move to Japan. Well here in 'Murica, the 5% is just fine, and actually gives a nicely body-centric intoxication. In fact, it may just be my impossibly high self-esteem at work, but I'm convinced Guinness actually makes my mental faculties sharper, allowing me to come up with entertaining one-liners and non-sequiturs with enhanced ease, and finding the words to communicate my camaraderie with those around me in a much more fluid and eloquent manner. Of course, at this point all my limbs are numb and my center of gravity has decided to vacation somewhere else, leaving me with the coordination of a nitrous-addicted Republican at a dance party. Of course, this is after more than a couple beers, and since Guinness and I have such a longstanding relationship, I already know this is coming and have firmly planted myself in a corner booth or the guest's couch.
Feel
Guinness is notoriously known as a thick beer. Many fans joke that you don't drink Guinness as much as you chew it, and while this is of course an exaggeration, it isn't too far off the mark. One of the defining traits of Guinness is the thick, creamy head. This has a tendency to oftentimes leave a "milk mustache" on the drinkers upper lip, and leaves long, dense lacing down the side of the glass. When imbibed, the drink itself is something to behold, it is heavy and filling, and thick within the mouth, seeming to roll lazily about inside the oral cavity. The carbonation is there, particularly on a fresh pour, but even after just a couple of minutes, much of the fizz has dispersed, and the drink is very flat and heavy, making it very easy to drink, and feeling very filling once it hits the digestive system. Again, those used to lighter fare are going to be caught a bit off guard by these qualities, and unless you are a seasoned Guinness drinker, may leave you with a leaden feeling in your gut. Silly, prissy little girls and men who weigh themselves more than 3 times a month should definitely steer clear of this beverage as it is basically beerdom's equivalent of the deep fried Twinkie. I'm here to tell you that there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, and if you disagree with me, I'll fill your Prius with bacon grease.
The Matchup
I know it's been a long time in coming for a new article here on the GnB, but here it finally is. And I must admit that I went ahead and stacked the deck in my favor with this one. Taking two properties I knew would be good, I basically gave myself a little treat. Good game, good brew, good times. As far as Blackthorne goes, it is one of those games that is not only a little timeless, but conjures up a bunch of great memories from a time gone by. In the case of Guinness, I've had more good times with this beer in my hand than any other brew out there, and every time I catch a whiff of this concoction, I think about some of the best times in my life hanging out with family and friends. I think at the end of the day, that's what makes a good beer great.
Cheers/Game on.