Machinarium/Foster's
Game: Machinarium, Amanita Design, 2009, PCBeer: Foster's, 25 fl. oz., 5% abv
# of beers consumed during play: 1
Level Reached: 10th screen
Level of Intoxication: Buzzed
Game
Machinarium inhabits an old and hotly contested corner of game design. While this particular example of the genre is unabashedly beautiful, with art direction that stakes a healthy claim on the virtues of 2D games and artwork, the game itself is still the point and click adventure game. This has always been a gametype that's been either loved or hated, and there's seldom ever any middle ground or crossover. Either you adore point and click adventures, and have played every one you could get your hands on, or you abhor them, and you sneer at them from the cozy comforts of your FPS's and 3D platformers. I guess in that regard at least, I'm special, since I'm able to both adore and sneer at these games, many times simultaneously.
Gameplay
Mechanarium is a point and click adventure, and is unapologetically so. The game thrusts the player into a bleak and unforgiving world, throws the bone of a single tutorial screen, and then stands back and watches as the player flails madly against puzzles that are very, very hard. How hard you ask? Well, etch the word difficult into an aluminum baseball bat with a rusty knife. Then drive some sixteen penny nails through the bat at random intervals, dip the entire nailbat in battery acid and begin playing Machinarium. At any point, if the robot you're controlling refuses to do something, does something you didn't want it to, or just stands there serenely as you madly click on an object you know is your next objective, then go ahead and pick up the Tough Nailbat with +9 to acid damage and hit yourself in the face. If perchance you happen to run across a puzzle that is oppressively obtuse or needlessly difficult, call your worst enemy and have them come over and hit you in the face with said nailbat until they feel better.
I'm telling you right now, you won't survive past the second screen.
This game does have an interesting (read: infuriating) hint system, you can click on the hint at any time, each screen only has one, and in classic adventure genre style, the hint it gives you is obvious and insulting. I know I'm supposed to get that robo-pigeon off the damn telephone wire, what I don't know is how I'm supposed to logically piece together the significance of that sliding tile puzzle that even when solved, does absolutely nothing without some other piece of something from the other side of the currently accessible world. Of course, the game does provide another set of hints. This being in the form of a locked book in the game's menu. The only way to access the contents of this godforsaken book is to successfully play what is easily the most asinine, pointless, and boring shooter game in the whole of the known universe. Yes, a shooter game in the middle of an adventure game. Because the first thing I want to do when I'm banging my head against an impossible puzzle is to have to switch gamer modes instantly to wrangle a mini game just so I can get the answer I need to progress. The most super part? You have to play the game every single time you want to access the book. Just closed the book and realized that you don't remember the inane pattern of wires you just looked at? Play that shitty shooter again cowboy, and bring a notepad next time!
While we're on the subject of totally uncalled for games, allow me a paragraph or two to go ahead and vent this right now. Let ye be warned, I'm giving away an entire scene in the game, so if you're the type of person who needs everything to be a surprise...you shouldn't be reading this site. There is a point in the game where you walk into a robo-pub, and more than likely not knowing what else to do, you sit down at a table with an old robot, whereupon you proceed to play a game that's called "Five in a Row" but should be called "Some Asshole Designed This Game Because He Wants Me to Punch Him Square in the Dick". I'm not kidding, this game is so maddening, the Dalai Lama would last about three rounds before he got up, drop-kicked the computer, and then went out and threw a basket full of kittens into a jet turbine. I looked the solution up on the internet and still lost about ten times before the solution worked and I finally won a game. If ever there was a dealbreaker in any of the games I've played in my long history as a gamer, this is it. This single scene nearly made me uninstall the game on the spot, and if that isn't bad game design, I don't know what is. And what happens when you win the game? The old robot pitches a fit and throws all the pieces around the room, and you have to go and pick them up. How fitting.
There is a light at the end of this tunnel of hate though, and that is the superlative feeling you get when you actually do solve one of these puzzles on your own. Also nice is the fact that the game is steeped in such atmosphere, that sooner rather than later, you'll find yourself thinking in Machinarium logic, and will suddenly have a much easier time of putting together the logical conclusion that a cone dipped in blue paint and a lightbulb will fool a guard into lowering a gate. Of course, good luck finding that goddamn pot of blue paint.
Graphics/Sound
If there ever was a reason to subject oneself to the mental tortures that is this game, the graphics would have to be it. The entire game is hand drawn, in a style so lush and characteristic that it takes mere seconds to transport yourself to this imaginary land where robots rule, pollute the earth, and presumably steal girlfriends and exile their true loves in trash heaps. The color palette maintains a muddy, rusted tint, keeping with earth tones and other subdued greys, browns, yellows and reds. Needed items and panels are tightly integrated with the surroundings, meaning not only are they hard to see and pick out of the highly detailed world, but their use and operation is usually fairly obscure to boot. Then again, with every graphical asset in the game a veritable how-to on the basics of drawing a dystopian robot homeworld, the player may be sufficiently awestruck so as to not even notice there's even a game at all.
Truly, the finer touches are what elevate this game's art to a higher echelon than most, from the robo-flies that buzz away when you wave your cursor over them, to the simple and strangely heartwarming snippets of story conveyed through character thought bubbles. It is readily apparent that this game was a true labor of love, and that some extremely talented individuals were responsible for the direction of this game's art design. In this world of high polygon-count 3D, anti-aliasing, shaders and water effects, it's a welcome sight to gamers who remember 2D that there's some studios out there that remember it too.
The sound is adequate, the background music isn't so much music as ambiance, and the sound effects in the game either fall into the quiet, incidental category, or the loud, important event category. One sound the player (that's you cupcake) will quickly tire of is the sound of quiet denial by the robot when the player tries something the robot can't or doesn't want to do. This sound of "huh-uh" is accompanied by the robot seemingly spinning his head like a top, which is also infuriating after the millionth time witnessing it. You've been warned, don't act like you didn't know when you have to pay for the window you hurled your mouse through.
Story
Well, much like other point 'n click adventure games, the story is fairly prominent here. As in many other games, your totally awesome girlfriend who you never, ever fight with and always have just the greatest time around has been nabbed by some bullies. You, ever the plucky, picked-upon hero, must brave a torrent of other robots, all with deep seated neurological and circumstantial problems, in your quest to win your beloved bucket of bolts back from the dreaded Black Hat Gang. In your quest, you will outwit guards, frighten hardened prisoners, and get an old robo-lady her dog back just so she'll let you use her umbrella. Serious stuff here, no doubt.
As mentioned above, all story elements are told in cartoon thought bubbles, making you laugh and groan at the same time when seeing a member of the Black Hat Gang suddenly stops play and causes your hapless moron-o-bot to start reminiscing to a time when he was an even bigger loser.
Beer
Foster's, a quandary in a can, an alcoholic enigma. A mystery in liquid form. I drank one of these beers, in its 25 ounce oil can flavor, and as I drank, curiosity got the better of me and I looked it up. Fosters is an Australian beer that isn't brewed in Australia, but thanks to licensing deals is actually brewed in places like Canada. Also, for various reasons, true Australians avoid Fosters like the black plague, and in fact the "amber nectar" or the "Australian for beer" really doesn't have much of a market in its home country. Interesting. The Energizer's Jacko of beer. Of course, far be it from me to be hateful of a country that saddled us with the likes of Paul Hogan and Russell Crowe, so we'll do our best to do this beer review with an open mind.Foster's sucks dusty kangaroo sac. This is essentially the same watery piss-wash that I can buy for 99 cents a can at the local piggly-wiggly, only in the case of Foster's which is technically an import, I have to pay import prices, meaning two bucks a can. If I want budget beer, I'll go get a sixer of PBR and be happy knowing I sacrificed taste in the name of thrift. The taste is just like every other amber lager out there, weak and hoppy with an undeniable undercurrent of disappointment. The drink is thin and overly bubbly, making for a fully unsatisfying beverage which leaves the unfortunate drinker with a leaden feeling in the gut once the festivities are over. I don't personally know anyone who drinks Foster's in a casual atmosphere, and after trying the beer for myself, I'm pretty convinced I don't want to know anyone with such proclivities. I'm not saying that Foster's drinkers are, as a rule, bad people or n'er-do-wells, but I'm just saying I don't want to be drinking, run out of Fat Tire and open the fridge and there be nothing but Foster's stocked up. I believe that's a specific curse listed in the Necronomicon.
The smell is a very similar blend of disenchantment and sadness as the taste. The bouquet is flat and grainy, making the potential drinker wish they had a time machine that operated long enough for them to go back to when they were at the store and convince themselves to choose something else. In fact, I came up with a new slogan for Foster's: "Foster's, regret in a bottle."
The Matchup
Here we have a game that frustrates and a beer that disappoints. Not the greatest combo for a holiday review, but at the very least, it makes for fun reading. On the one hand, Machinarium is a pretty romp with a fun story, neither of which anyone will see because they got fed up with the Five in a Row puzzle and hung themselves with their computer's power cable. On the other hand, Foster's is a beer that fills an alcoholic with regret and self-loathing, which would cause even the strongest-willed individual to sit on the couch and hate life. If nothing else, one could look at this combination as a way to measure one's own ability to persevere in the face of adversity. Beat the game and finish the beer, and I'm sure the Navy SEALs would like to hear from you.
Cheers/Game on.
Borderlands/Grolsch
Game: Borderlands, Gearbox Software, 2009, PCBeer: Grolsch, 15.2 fl. oz., 5% abv
# of beers consumed during play: 4
Level Reached: 11th mission
Level of Intoxication: Three Sheets to the Wind
Game
Borderlands is an example of the genre-mashing that game studios have been doing for a few years now. Since all of the major gametypes have been tread, and re-tread, and subsequently worn to death, gamers have grown increasingly weary of the vanilla FPS or the straight up JRPG. Solution? Take two (or more) genres, put them in a blender, and hope what comes out is playable. In the somewhat unique case of Borderlands, what came out of the blender is most definitely playable. Thank God.
Gameplay
What happens when you mix equal parts Mad Max, Indiana Jones, comic books and 20-sided dice? Borderlands happens, that's what. The interesting thing is that this game, brought to us by the venerable Gearbox Software studio, is actually much more than the sum of its admittedly awesome parts. On the one hand, when firing the game up, the dystopian gameworld, rendered in carefully drawn comic book-inspired visuals will immediately slap the viewer upside the head with notions of some unholy marriage between Mad Max and whatever passes for a popular comic book these days...I dunno, I grew up on X-Men and Wolverine. On the other hand, once the game gets rolling, the story begins to emerge, and gameplay starts to peek out through the cracks in the tutorial levels, the above mentioned comparison to Indiana Jones and 20-sided dice will readily become apparent. The core structure of gameplay is that when you fire your weapon at an enemy, the table-top origins kick into high gear and in the blink of an eye, the computer does all the requisite computations for initiative rolls, damage rolls, critical hit rolls, chance to miss, chance to dodge...etc, and what the player sees is an enemy turning into a viscous reddish paste with some little numbers indicating damage floating upwards. This is in stark contrast to actual pen-and-paper RPGs, where you would typically spend upwards of 10 minutes rolling dice and working out the flow of combat, after which you would suddenly discover the DM hated you since third grade and put you up against an enemy 6 levels above you. In Borderlands, the concept is pretty much the same, but happens so fast, you'll barely have time to turn tail and run once you realize the game was leading you deep into hostile territory all along and you are now standing face to gaping maw with an enemy that could easily rip you into itty-bitty little shreds. I've been there, and trust me, when it hits you...the little damage numbers fly off of you.
Of course, this is where Borderlands shines, because you are almost, but not quite completely outmatched, and if you manage your inventory and weapons correctly, you may actually see the other side of the incredible, busy, hardcore boss fights. Fights where the boss will send several minions after you while they themselves unleash hell in the form of massive damage and hideous status effects. Ever bled out while being shot by bullets that cause fire damage all while getting attacked by dogs that look like a cross between Alien and that thing the plumber found in your septic tank when your toilet stopped flushing for a week? That's what Borderlands is especially--but not exclusively--good at, the clutch moment, that point in the game where you thought you were more prepared than you actually are, and now you have to use every last bit of strategy and resources to take a particularly nasty enemy out. The game even facilitates this with a mode it calls "second wind" where if you lose all your life, you are knocked down but not dead. If you manage to kill a creature while knocked down, you'll revive, gain your second wind and be able to do extra damage. There's no way to adequately describe the feeling I got when I was up against a boss monster and it had me on the ground, was ready to charge and deal its final blow when one of it's little minions started to attack me and got a facefull of lead, whereupon I got back up, dodged the boss's charge and put it down with a full magazine of ammo. The crazy thing is that this isn't like a scripted event or something that only happens once in a while...this happens all the time. The feeling of saving your own ass from certain death out in the middle of a barren desert is so powerful and engaging that the only way to truly understand what I'm getting at is to go out and get the game for yourself.
Now, as you might have surmised, the "second wind" mechanic isn't the only thing that makes this game a three-layer cake of superb with awesome frosting in-between. The game takes the firm stance that if more is good then shit-tons is even better, and has a random generator for all the weapons, meaning there's a vein of Diablo in there, and when you beat bosses, you'll get weapons so powerful and "gee-gosh I just gotta try this thing out on something squishy" fun that you'll have no choice but to equip them immediately. There's literally millions of weapon combinations, meaning that if you ever wanted a sniper rifle that does acid damage, has a cyclic rate that makes a macine gun jealous, and comes in a green and purple color scheme, you're finally home. The other characters also enrich this world to a rather frightening degree. Dr. Zed is one of my personal favorites. Always covered in blood, always needing you to fix one of his medical devices, and never guarding his lockers which contain money and free medical supplies, Dr. Zed is one of the first friendly-ish faces you meet in Borderlands, and unlike that damn robot thing, doesn't dance or try unsuccessfully to be funny. Dr. Zed will routinely give you missions to complete, much like every other denizen of Fyrestone (the town in which you begin). Many of the missions you are given are multi-part missions, leading to a larger goal, and some are merely side-missions, awarding the persevering player with experience, weapons, or cash. Most missions fall into the "kill this thing" or "collect these worthless items" quests, but some actually break convention (ever so slightly) and might actually feature interesting objectives such as "run over x number of Alien-sewer dogs with that car over there", sure, it might still boil down to the "kill this thing" mission objective, but you get to do it with a car!
The ultimate goal of the game is to unearth a heavily guarded and very well hidden "vault" of alien treasure and weapons, which would naturally make you so rich and powerful as to completely preclude the possibility of a Borderlands sequel...Okay, so I can't say that last part with a straight face, but honestly, why would I want to? Borderlands is so unique and fun, that the possibility of a sequel makes me froth at the mouth.
Graphics/Sound
Borderlands is proof positive that the Unreal Engine 3 can be adapted to great lengths and that in the right hands, can be made to do incredible things. That's right, in a generation of games that all apparently want to go the way of ultra-realism, Borderlands takes the road less traveled and adopts a comic book styled art direction that not only makes it stand way, way ahead of the pack, but fits the over-the-top storyline like a glove. No joke, When you play Borderlands, you feel like you're actually playing a comic book. From the carefully cel-shaded graphics, to the tiny touches such as hatch-shaded boulders, every facet of this game breathes a meticulous attention to detail. As can be expected, the character meshes are all solid, robust, and in some cases, downright frightening. Some level designs are a bit contrived, and some even manage to be confusing, particularly when you're out of ammo, are being chased by a couple gazillion baddies, and are desperately looking for the level exit so you can restock and resupply, but on the whole, the game, from menus on down to textures is a parade of dystopian beauty.
The sound is also superb. The music has a very pronounced wild west theme, and knows how to get intense at the right moments. The voice acting is just outlandish enough to be perfect, and fits the characters in a lovely, twisted way. The southern twang on a one legged guy in a Hawaiian shirt took the cake for me. The sounds of guns firing and critters dying are punchy and satisfying in ways that make your average FPS junkie squeal with delight, and yes, I've heard an FPS junkie squeal, it's actually rather spooky. You know what else is spooky? When the boss characters laugh. Trust me on this one.
Story
Remember the Indy Jones comparison? Here's where it gets qualified. You've arrived on the planet Pandora following rumors that there is an ancient hidden treasure trove buried somewhere in the surrounding environs. Of course, you aren't the only sap--er, ah...hunter who has been lured to the barren desert in search of fortune. In fact, you're actually a late comer, and what few people remain after the planet was picked clean of natural resources are either settlers, bandits, or angry critters. Hungry angry critters.
You will have to brave these hungry, angry critters, bandits, and a few other surprises as you move ever closer to the rumored treasure that may or may not await you. Of course, one does not simply walk into a highly coveted alien vault, so you will have to find clues, keys and other artifacts to help you on your quest. It sounds much easier than it actually is.
The story is well done, featuring many twists and turns, and will at times take the player in directions they may not want to go, the earmark of any truly good story. So yeah, FPS games can have good stories, my buddy totally owes me five bucks.
Beer
Grolsch. There, that's the last time I'm typing that brand name. I've already typed it enough times and the spelling just pisses me off every time I have to type it, it feels like my fingers are having to learn acrobatics. Form here on out, it will be referred to as "That Beer".That Beer was one that came highly recommended by more than a couple friends. "Hey dude," they would say, "You should try some That Beer, it's really good. I like That Beer a lot." Whereupon I would reply, "Hmmm, That Beer does sound good, but That Beer is rather expensive as beers go, I'll have to wait to try That Beer until I get some extra money." Yes, my conversations really sound like that...I swear. I finally got a few extra bucks, and so I went and found a store that sold it, and proceeded to purchase That Beer. The first thing that ocurred to me was that some significant portion of the money I spent must have gone to the manufacture and assembly of the bottle in which That Beer comes in. It's a swing-top bottle, meaning there's a ceramic stopper with a rubber ring, affixed to an elaborate network of stiff wire that manages to lock it in place, sealing the bottle. Of course this beer is made in Holland, who else would deliberately come up with a complex, needless alternative to the pop-cap? Other than America that is...The bottle is custom molded, not only to accept the swing-top apparatus, but also in the name of premium decoration as well. The word "That Beer" is molded into the side of the bottle as well as the brewery's crest and what I can only assume are grips...or speed lines..or blood grooves...at this point I'm not really sure. Damn those Dutch and their interminable ways!
Aesthetics aside, That Beer turns out to be broadly satisfying. The smell instantly recalls Heinekin, but has a slightly more skunky odor, and a deeper note of barley. It's a complex smell, and one that I wouldn't mind sampling over and over, it is the quintessential beer smell and a good standard for light lagers.
The taste is extremely sharp, with a bitterness that may turn off some drinkers. There is a dry aftertaste that seems to almost pickle the tongue, but manages to stay clean and refreshing, don't ask me how, I just drink it. The further along in the bottle one gets, the more one will notice a slight hint of sweetness, just enough to balance out all that bite. This is definitely not a frathouse brew, unless your frathouse happens to haze initiates by making them rate exotic wines using only the sign language alphabet. The carbonation is somewhat high, so if you don't like champagne or soda, you might want to steer clear, but if you can handle a few bubbles, you just might end up enjoying the fizz this beer has to offer.
The alcoholic content is pretty middling, That Beer isn't the kind of beer you get drunk on, but if you manage to rip through a four-pack of swing-tops, it's a safe bet that you aren't going to be at the top of your game coordination-wise. At 5% abv, That Beer conveys a slightly "off" drunk, where in addition to losing your coordination, you'll have trouble wrapping your brain around even small logical problems, so as far as I'm concerned, That Beer is one to drink strictly in the presence of loyal friends, who won't be tempted to tease or take advantage of you in your impaired state.
The Matchup
So what have we learned during this journey of discovery? First off that I don't ever want to do a double post again. Ever. Second, that in the case of the Borderlands/That Beer combo, unusual can be very good, even great, when the pieces are put together the right way. As far as Borderlands is concerned, the mixing up of several genres and influences turned into a totally original IP that manages to be involving and fun. As for That Beer, it's apparent that originality is also a property somewhat lacking in the beer industry, and in which a little innovation (see That Beer) goes a long way. If your personal tastes are up to the task, I highly recommend both the game and beer in question.
Cheers/Game on.