Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped/Natural Ice

Game: Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped, Sony, 1998, PSX
Beer: Natural Ice, 24 fl. oz., 5.9% abv
# of beers consumed during play: 2
Level Reached: 4th level
Level of Intoxication: Drunk

Game
I like Crash, I really do. Not only for the fact that he appeared in those smarmy and clever anti-Nintendo commercials or that he was actually a good mascot for the life of the PS1, but just for the fact that in addition to his formulated marketability, he was also host to quite the rousing series of platformers to boot.

Gameplay
When the Playstation first burst onto the scene, its dedicated 3D hardware and easily accessible programming libraries saw several new conventions in platforming, particularly in the first Crash Bandicoot game, where lush, linear 3D rendered paths and "2.5D" platforming became vanguards of 32-bit game design. Crash 2 and 3 both carried these conventions on in an almost dogged determination, almost seeming to actually say "We don't do open world, we do linear platforming, and we'll thank you not to ask again." And as far as the Crash games go, Crash 3 in particular, they take the axiom "do one thing and do it well" and they embody that shit. What they offer in platforming goodness, they do so in spades, dishing out rich, familiar run 'n jump challenges that gradually get more intense level after level.

Each level in Warped offers six stages, each with a number of varied objectives. In each stage, there's an assortment of gems to collect, the purple ones being the keys to meeting the level's boss. The purple gem is obtained through an interesting variety of ways, usually by running across it somewhere in the level, but other times, having to win a motorcycle race, running a course on a jetski... killing a specific enemy, making it to the end of an autoscroll level alive, and other innovative goals. Yes, the autoscroll levels are back, in many cases taking the form of the female character and her affinity for cute, cuddly, ride-able animals, but appearing in other forms as well. The much chagrined "run-blindly-towards-the-screen-while-being-chased-by-instant-death" levels are back as well, and for all four of you freaks who liked those levels, I hope you're happy with yourselves.

Not all is well in Bandicoot Land though, as there are several problems in this game. Many of the issues are ones that can be easily attributed to the age of the game, when game designers were more interested in stuff that made the game look good as opposed to the slightly more important goal of making the game play good. Control is slippery, and character animations mean that you will have to acclimate to a certain "warm up" time when it comes to getting shit done in the game. Jumping at a box doesn't always mean you will hit it, and in later levels, when a single box may be all that stands between you and controller smashing oblivion, you will most certainly miss that non-existent precision. Also thanks to the fact that the game plays into the z-axis, distances are at times quite difficult to judge, making hitting necessary boxes even harder and turning oncoming enemies and chasms into tests of faith. I mean, for a game that obviously hinges so heavily on the whole breakable box mechanic, you'd think the game designers would have made being able to reliably interact with said boxes a high priority...then again, perhaps that's why the more expensive and harder to find Super Mario 64 far outsold the Crash games. Is that really a fair comparison? At the time, Sony thought it was.
Graphics/Sound
What can I say? For the given hardware, this game looks very pretty. Everything has a solid feel to it, with nary an appearance of cardboard cutouts to be found, and colors are bright, well blended and nicely integrated. The infamous PSX perspective correction problems rear their ugly heads at times, but are nowhere as bad as many other Playstation games. Character polygon counts aren't bad on major characters, but get pretty dicy when it comes to some of the recurring enemies, making them look like disjointed caricatures of some alternate art deco universe. The backgrounds enjoy a playful style, appearing very detailed without actually being confusing or distracting from the frenetic action at hand.

Of particular note with the graphics are the player death sequences, which are so varied and creative, I'm convinced they had one guy who just sat in a room, tasked with coming up with different ways for crash and company to die. I'm also convinced all he had was a notepad, piles of taped episodes of Roadrunner and Tom and Jerry cartoons, and an electroshock collar that went off at random intervals. One of my favorite death sequences is actually in the first level of the game, where if you fail to kill a giant toad, it straddles you, kisses you full on the mouth and suddenly turns into a very creepy looking prince. No joke, I would die too.
The sounds are good, but get tiresome at times. For some reason I'm not quite able to quantify, Crash's whirling attack sound grates on my nerves, it's really the only one that does it, and every time I go to do that attack, I cringe in revulsion. The music is eminently forgettable. There are absolutely zero themes in the game that stuck with me past playtime, and all I can really remember is the elastic rising cartoon beat that accompanies the title screen of every Crash game, which is a specific torture unto itself.

Story
Hold on, let me bust out my Big Book Of Tired And Totally Overused Plot Devices...Okay, let's see here:
-Lowly underdog protagonist who peacefully minds his own business until he's put upon by some malevolent being, thereby motivating him to save entire universe/world/island/stash of bananas...Check.
-Once imperiled female character who, now safe from imminent danger, becomes a righteous force in her own right...Check.
-A good supporting character who, unknown until now, has an evil twin who until very recently was locked up and unable to do any harm...Check.
-Time travel to various cliched locations, usually against the protagonists' wills...Check.
-A tiny, fatal flaw in the enemy's plan/defenses/Really Important Machine which allows the good guys to gain a foothold, grow steadily stronger, and eventually prevail...Check.
-Evil minions whose total overconfidence all but guarantees their spectacular demise/defeat at the hands of any or all of the good guys...Check.
-Original bad guy now answering to an even more evil bad guy, who just so happens to be the evil twin of the allied supporting character, who undoubtedly knows the evil twin's only weakness, and fails to divulge that weakness until the story is almost over...Check.
-Female protagonist riding a baby tiger along the top of the Great Wall of China...Hmmm, that's a new one.

Beer
Natural Ice, or as referred to by its cult following, "Natty Ice," brewed by Anheuser Busch, it is a beer aimed to compete specifically with the likes of PBR in the lower ranks of beerdom. It is extremely cheap, and brewed to satisfy a specific hunger in the beer-drinking population, namely, to provide a good drunk for less coin, while doing all it can to avoid all the trappings of the inner-city image. It is beer for low-income blue-collar folk, and in this regard not only does it succeed in superlative fashion, it even manages to transcend its target demographic and snare mainstream drinkers out of their safe, secure Coors and Michelob camps. The design of the can speaks volumes in this regard, boasting a classic yet edgy swooping design with primaries of red, white, and blue colors, accented by the can's natural silver. The can's bold proclamation being: "Americans drink me, true patriots and die-hard lovers of all things U.S.A. If you drink me, you probably own a gun or two." The simple fact that I've seen more military enlisted drink this out of any other brand pretty much confirms that particular diagnosis.

The smell isn't particularly attractive, having a sweetness most often associated with malt beverages. The graininess is definitely there, under the sweetness but noticeable enough to know what you're inhaling isn't going to be a wine cooler. The nice thing is that the smell is muted enough to go away completely once you've had a few sips to drink, making this beer decidedly open as far as culinary accompaniments go. For some strange reason, it goes frighteningly well with home-made garlic toast. Go figure.

The taste cunningly avoids the sugary-fermentation odor and comes off as direct, no nonsense beer. A hint of sourness complements the palette while going down, and the entire brew is armed with bite to go along with the hoppy, corny goodness. The carbonation is in a very specific sweet spot, with small, concentrated bubbles that tickle one's oral senses in a delightful manner, and go down without making the drinker feel bloated or sluggish. Or at least, no more bloated and sluggish than they already are...

The intoxication is positively delightful. A concentrated whirly feeling that sets in on a predictable curve which impairs all faculties in a very measured and balanced fashion. This is most certainly fun-house drunk, with none of the annoying side-effects that lesser beers may possess. Walking through the house brought easily recoverable stumbles and a contented feeling of floating, marred only by the occasional intersection with solid objects. This fine flavor of drunk does wonders to transport one into the world of the videogame currently being played, and so it does in fantastic streams in this case.

The overall feel of this drink is one of strictly measured positives, leading one to believe that with enough of this beer, one could ride a wave of happy straight through the gates of hell. Owing to the fact I only drank two talls of Natty Ice, I don't know for sure, but in extrapolating what I've experienced in this limited exercise, I imagine that the drunk this beer creates is awesome right up to a defining line, at which good drunk immediately gives way to belligerent jackass and all of a sudden everything goes downhill in one huge black-hole spiral of hate and discontent, and once the drinker has awakened from their stupor, all their shit is out on the front lawn getting picked through by neighborhood kids. Run-on sentence for the win.

The Matchup
Both of the items sampled in this review have a lot going for them, they both are borne out of tried and true parentage, and they both offer broad appeal to an audience who is accustomed to a certain degree of quality. Unfortunately, in the same vein, both properties also have a rash of shortcomings. These failings, while small, can quickly add up, and in aggregate, can spoil what is otherwise a great experience. Luckily, these issues can be largely ignored with the proper mindset, Natty Ice's with careful planning and judicious use, and Crash3: Warped with the mindset that hey, it's just an 11 year old game.

Cheers/Game on.