Batman/Olde English "800"

Game: Batman, Sunsoft, 1989, NES
Beer: Olde English "800", 24 fl. oz., 7.5% abv
# of beers consumed during play: 1
Level Reached: Second boss
Level of Intoxication: Buzzed

Game
In honor of Batman: Arkham Asylum, the first batman game to be released in a long time that really did the Dark Knight justice, I've decided to review the only other Batman game that ever blew my skirt up. Incidentally, it's based loosely on the only Batman movie to ever blow my skirt up. There's something poetic in that. Oh, and before everybody starts going off about the movie The Dark Knight and how it's the bestest Batman in the whole universes evar, yeah, I know, I just like the original better. Opinions, I have them.

Gameplay
As can be clearly seen from the screenshots, this game is for the original Nintendo Entertainment System, and as such, possesses a level of difficulty somewhere between the first Mega Man game and a quadruple amputee trying to masturbate. The only reason I got to the second boss was because I got this thing when it first came out back in the day, and as a wee lad with no job or responsibilities aside from school, spent roughly a thousand hours a day playing this and getting it right. The first few levels are embedded in my muscle memory. When your parents only bought you one game every two or three months, you learned to make the most of what you had.

Speaking of making the most of what one has, this game packed a lot of gameplay into such a small package. To start, Batman has several weapons at his disposal, including his fists, the batarang, a missile gun, and shurikens that fire in threes. Each weapon besides the punch use a shared ammo pool which can be replenished by picking up refills dropped by defeated enemies. Each weapon has its own applications, and judicious use of them will see the player prevail. Neglecting to use your "wonderful toys" will subsequently result in Batman dying on a fairly regular basis, complete with a cool but disheartening bat-shaped disintegration animation. Even when he expires, Batman has to stay in character, how's that for showmanship?

The levels are pretty well done, most have multiple areas, and some have multiple paths and even dead-ends which can be explored by players who have mastered the wall-jump. Levels come with a variety of hazards, ranging from strategically placed enemies to acid pools, bottomless pits, and electrified floors. As can be expected, platforming abounds in this game, and some jumps are so wicked hard they border on the impossible. Luckily, most hazards will only chip a couple units off your admittedly short lifebar, leaving you a bit worse for the wear, but allowing you to recover and continue. The fun part is the fact that even in the earlier levels, the game will stack multiple threats and obstacles against you, making it that much easier to lose some of your precious bat-life. This game was all about the old-school tenants of "do it over and over again until you get it right" and particularly in the later levels, that's exactly what you will be doing in order to continue.
The enemies set in your path to impede your progress really don't have anything to do with the movie, unless I fell asleep during the parts where they showed flame throwing goons, Predator-like beasts, motion detecting mines, and little cars with spikes on top. Perhaps all that stuff was just in the deleted scenes. At any rate, the enemies are well placed in order to present a good challenge, and are varied enough that no two encounters are really ever the same. In a similar vein, the bosses are pretty nasty, needing an astute eye and quick reflexes to figure out their patterns and weaknesses in order to win out and continue on to the next level.

Graphics/Sound
I know, I know, it's an NES title, how good can it be? Well, pretty damn good actually. In stark contrast to Captain Skyhawk's clean, bright graphics, Batman uses a dark and dirty palette to communicate the unique world of Gotham City and it's environs. Rather than looking muddy or ugly, the graphics do well to push the limits of the NES's capabilities, using dithering and shading to great effect. Bricks look like bricks, girders look like girders, and all the sprites, while only being two or three colors at the most, are still clear and easy to identify. Sure Batman is a big purple blob, but unlike Aunt Edna's housedress, it's a big purple blob that kicks ass and strikes fear in the hearts of criminals.
The sound is a mix of good and bad, while the tunes are no Danny Elfman score, they are pretty well suited to Batman's style and do the best they can given the natural limitations of the NES's hardware. The opening theme in particular sticks with me, as it's one of the few examples of the NES harmonizing. The punches and other assorted battle sounds are typical fare, nothing to write home to momma about, but they do the job and really, when you're trying to dodge a flamethrower, a mine, a grenade dropping machine and one of the spikey cars at the same time, which you will do quite often in later levels, you stop giving a damn about what sound everything makes unless it's the "baddie dies and Batman lives" sound.

Really, I've seen other sources trash this game for its graphics and sound, but for me, as a package, the audio/visual experience does this game justice and really helps to immerse me in the experience.

Story
Before we go any further, I'm going to ask you to go watch the original movie with Michael Keaton and Jack Nicholson. Please ignore the fact it was made in the 80's, that most of the cultural references are waaay outdated, and that Prince makes a number of unwelcome musical cameos in the movie. Do enjoy the story, the incredibly well done interpretation of Gotham City, and the stellar performances by Jack Nicholson and Michael Keaton. Once you have a handle on the core story and have seen the error of your ways in touting The Dark Knight above the original, come back and we shall continue.

...

Ready? Good, because I was getting hungry. If you subsequently play the game, you will notice its story reads like a Cliff's Notes of the movie, with some added embellishment in certain departments to flesh out the "gameability" such as a deadly computer at the end of the Axis Chemical Factory level, and the complete absence of any Viki Vale escort missions. In fact, I can't see any reason why the movie wouldn't have been further elevated by the inclusion of these elements...Hmmmmmm...What's the number to Warner Bros. Studios?

Beer
Another week of being dead broke means I get to thrash another piss-poor pisswater. This week we see the darker side of Olde English "800." The first thing I noticed was that the can has the price printed directly on it, much like a bag of Cheetos or sunflower seeds. This made me wonder if Olde English has been routinely subjected to retail price scalping since it has such a vintage and first-class look about it. The can, a simple Gold and Maroon motif, and the word "olde" in the name, properly misspelled, along with a picture of a crown gave me a false sense of quality. It seemed so much more...distinguished sitting next to those other cans. For some stupid reason, by the time I got home, I had fooled myself that compared to the likes of Joose, Magnum 40, and Earthquake, I had myself a great tasting brew for a steal of a price.

Huh, not exactly. The beer had a very skunky odor upon opening, and the first word that came to mind when I took my initial sip was "oil." Just like any other malt liquor, the beer was sweet and packed with that distinctive alcohol aftertaste that pickles the tongue. I noticed there were serious sharp tastes of grain and corn, and really, drinking the beer turned into a chore very quickly. In fact, I'm still drinking it as I write this review, and it is now fairly warm, which doesn't help the cause at all. Due to it taking me so long to drink this thing, I'm not nearly as drunk as I would have expected and I find each sip repulses me more than the last. The carbonation with this thing is middle of the road, and yet, thanks to...something in this beverage, every time I have to belch, I find it's a vurp, and I wince as I have to deal with that particular unpleasantness.

Given these less than ideal experiences, I'm loathe to speculate as to why not only does this drink have 800 in the name, but that number is in quotes, as if the makers of this potion are attempting to avoid allegations of false advertising or something. The notion that this beer contains 800 of anything is somewhat alarming to me, and I'm hoping that much like popular gaming beverage Bawls, it's just a name.

The Matchup
Batman is a difficult game for people with the sharpest of coordination, and as can be expected, the game doesn't get any easier when under the influence of extremely cheap intoxicants. Still, the game is so well defined in terms of gameplay that even drunk (well okay, buzzed) I had a good time dispatching Joker's minions. The alcohol in this equation wasn't so fantastic, as the last few sips were less a pleasure than an obligation, and I'm pretty glad I can cross this particular alcohol off my list of things I need to try. If you're looking for a challenging game, pick up Batman and prepare for some long nights full of trial and error. If you're looking for an alcohol that redefines bad, Olde E will gladly take your money.

Cheers/Game on.