Chakan - The Forever Man/Michelob Ultra

Game: Chakan - The Forever Man, Sega, 1992, Genesis
Beer: Michelob Ultra, 12 fl. oz., 4.2% abv
# of beers consumed during play: 5
Level Reached: Yeah, right.
Level of Intoxication: Three Sheets to the Wind

Game
Chakan - The Forever Man, not to be confused with spiritual Chakras or Shaka Khan is a game released for the Sega Genesis. The game's sole intent is to give the player nightmares and embroil them in a quest which is, by many accounts, impossible. I'm not saying this game is difficult...I'm saying that this game is impossible to beat. You may think I'm having fun with you, but I'm not, the game is so impossible in fact that the game designers never even finished the "real" ending. If you manage (through extensive cheating) to best the game's final boss, you will be treated to...nothing. The game displays a static screen with nothing of real interest. Students of the Ninja Gaiden, Ghosts 'N Goblins, and Contra Schools of gaming will find a familiar-if dangerous and uninviting-home here.

Gameplay
You happen to be this really creepy looking guy with twin swords and a nifty hat. You and your nifty hat will traipse across several levels in search of nasty baddies who will be more than happy to nick you for a couple units of life before you dispatch them with some panic-stricken sword swipes. The cool thing is that you can attack in seven directions (straight down is apparently beyond the skill of a guy who can defeat Death in a sword duel...), even while jumping, making you only slightly less susceptible to the constant attacks launched by the game's countless enemies. One cool thing you can do is hold down the attack button and move the directional pad, allowing you to cover any angle of assault, and making you look like an undead airport traffic controller.
Each level is themed: earth, wind, water, and fire all take a turn in the spotlight as you traverse the open, sprawling levels in search of more demons, maggots, and flying whatchamacallits. Each opening stage of a given level also is home to a special weapon that is of particular use in that level. For that we can at least be thankful, the game didn't force upon us the Mega Man-esque rock-paper-scissors job of figuring out which weapon is most effective against which level. Small favors: Chakan has them.

Unfortunately, in Chakan, favors are not only small, but few and far between. Some jumps, particularly in the later levels, require a level of precision reserved exclusively for brain surgeons and Apple engineers. As you die (and die and die and die...) you will begin to actually curse the fact the game offers you unlimited lives. That's right...In keeping with the spirit of the game, you can't die! the game doesn't end until you turn the damn thing off! If you happen to find yourself on the wrong side of a bottomless pit, you are merely spit back out to the stage select level to try, try again! That's why old games rock, because incessant frustration is fun!!

The bosses are...well...I'm sure they're really something, but I can't say for sure since I never got to one. I found one insect-y mace-wielding dude, and thought he was a boss because it took about 30 hits to bring him down, but once he died, bequeathing me with a few vials full of bubbling air, the level continued with no fanfare, leaving me with a distinct feeling of humiliation and inadequacy. Just in case my intimations and veiled hints have thus far gone over your head, let me say it outright: This game hates you. I really believe the only entities who would truly enjoy this game would be either Terminators, or WOPR from the movie Wargames.

Graphics/Sound
I gotta admit, for a Genesis game, this game stands up very well visually. The entire look of the game has a very occult theme as its foundation, and little details stand out such as the space background in the stage select level and the look of your character as he swipes, runs, jumps and dies. The story scenes are very well done, being dark and thematic, and showing off the Genesis' capabilities well. The enemies within each level are clear and well drawn, and are wide ranging, usually tightly fitted within the theme of the given level you're in. There's very little asset recycling, and what there is, you'll miss because you're too busy trying not to get deaded. Some things do seem a tad out of place or a might bit rushed, such as the dissolve effect when you die or some of the background layers which don't seem to be oriented correctly, but on the whole, the game makes a nice, concerted impression.

The sound...geeze...it's a Genesis title. Call me a cop-out, but that is my review of the sound. Anyone who owned a Sega Genesis ever at any point in their lives knows exactly what I'm talking about. For everyone else, the console had laryngitis. For reals.

Chakan is no different, some of the samples are nice, such as the freaky howl right as you boot the game up. But for the most part, it seems as though all the sounds were fed through a grinder before they were programmed into the game. Still, they do the job, and you really won't even pay them any heed when you've successfully died for the thousandth time in a row.
Story
This game has a great story, and it's one of the best reasons to attempt to play this title. Its major selling point was that it wasn't another cartoony platformer with safe, happy themes, it was all about demons, death, the undead, hate, resent, curses, and chopping inhuman monsters up with a pair of swords.

As the game lays out, you are the way you are because as a great warrior, you could not be defeated, and so claimed that Death himself could not best you. Well, be careful what you wish for douchebag, because Death himself appears and challenges you. After a great battle you win and Death grants you eternal life...with a twist: now you are his servant, and cannot rest until you've purged the universe of evil. Damn. Since they obviously don't have Unisom in the afterlife, you have to go and defeat the major elements of evil, while also presumably washing Death's car and mowing his lawn because overgrown grass is so evil. Before the game and at the beginning of each level, you're treated to some cool cut scenes which offer some exposition on the admittedly simple plot, some are merely scrolling text, while others are represented through cool still images.

Long story short: Death is getting back at you for being a wanker. This means you get to kill things. That's a good story in my book.

Beer
Made by the same guys as Budweiser, Anheuser-Busch; Michelob's primary purpose is to sell beer to people who hate Anheuser-Busch but are loathe to read fine print on the side of a can. I have, no joke, heard a person say the following verbatim: "Screw Anheuser-Busch! Those profiteering gluttons! I drink Michelob, now that's a great beer from a great brewery!" I had a hard time containing my laughter until I had fully left the room, and not exclusively for the fact that someone actually used the phrase "profiteering gluttons" in casual conversation.

Aside from that, the beer is very garden variety, as I'm quickly learning most American-style beers are. This one tastes even more like water however owing to the fact that it's an ultra light beer. It smells like grain, and really fails to tickle my fancy in any appreciable way. The taste is similarly not really there, with a full-bodied non-taste that doesn't fail to disappoint. If I were to place this beer within the arcing scale of all beers I've tried, it would fall somewhere in the low end of insignificance. Those looking for a refreshing beverage that tastes good and exudes a sense of relaxation and hard-earned leisure should most certainly look elsewhere. Those looking for a sour water that gets them drunk and feeling unnecessarily bloated are finally home.

Speaking of bloating and intoxication, after five of these beers in rapid succession, I was feeling rather inebriated, and found myself chuckling jovially at the game I was losing horribly at. So if nothing else, this beer lends itself to quick drinking and a happy disposition. The beer, though possessed of a relatively low alcohol content, can be consumed so fast that deep intoxication is still possible in a short time frame. I did feel bloated and a bit sickly, but that was a negligible feeling unless I felt inclined to move anywhere, which I didn't. If you plan on staying at home alone and playing Law and Order: SVU drinking games, this is a good beer. If you plan on bar hopping or playing some intense rounds of Dance Dance Revolution with the boys while enjoying a few brews, please look elsewhere. If you enjoy some intense rounds of DDR with the boys without the excuse of being hopelessly blitzed-out-of-your-mind drunk, I don't think we can hang out.

The Matchup
Despite the rather wide gulf in quality, both Chakan and Michelob Ultra went together well, the latter complementing the former by being easy to drink quickly and the former complementing the latter by offering plenty of chances to die, put the controller down, and chug another one before diving back into the fray. There are few similarities that reside betwixt the game and the beer, the only major one is that few humans will have the resolve or masochistic tendencies required to make them want to have a second go at either of these two properties. Anyone who does has developed a rather aquired taste, and for that, I raise my glass to them.

Cheers/Game on.