Soldier Girl Amazon/Full Sail IPA

Game: Soldier Girl Amazon, Nichibutsu, 1986, Arcade
Beer: Full Sail IPA, 12 fl.oz., 6% abv 
# of beers consumed during play: 4
Level Reached: 1st level boss
Level of Intoxication: Woozy

Game
Soldier Girl Amazon...I could write that title a hundred more times and it still wouldn't lose its sparkle. A dash of awesome, a sprinkle of engrish, and the combination of three words that alone would get the reptilian gamer instincts in me to take notice, but together create a kind of attention vortex that could temporarily pull me away from open heart surgery, even if it's my heart that's on the line. The game is made by Nichibutsu, a manufacturer best known in certain circles for their scandalous mahjong games and their grey-market "clones" of popular games such as Galaxian, not that we should hold that against them or anything...

Gameplay
This game is hard. And when I say hard, I mean hard. This is harder than me with a bottomless pit of playboy bunnies and a blessing from my significant other to have at. This is harder than a Rubik's cube at 3 A.M. in the terminal at LAX on LSD with acute color blindness. If I had encountered this game in the arcades, with my limited stash of precious coins, I would have fed it one quarter, told it to engage in vigorous self-coitus, and headed for the Neo-Geo MVS machines. Fortunately, through the magic of emulation, I persevered long enough to reach the first level boss, which, let me tell you...was reward enough on its own. The rank and file enemies are a confusing batch of aliens, carnivorous vegetation, and guys in purple shorts. There are also dudes riding cool hover bikes which, when killed, will allow you to nab the bike, giving you much upgraded firepower, but turning you into a target approximately the size of Nigeria. Since you already weigh in as a Zimbabwe sized bull's eye, this turns into a game of shame and disappointment when three seconds later a wayward bullet clips you and robs you of your nifty, upgradable bike. There are two major facets of the gameplay I feel bears mentioning; water and treasure chest dwelling spiders. Neither of these things are my friend. In fact, I hate water and spiders in this game so much it borders on game-breaking. See...you walk on land, running around and shooting anything that moves, very much like Ikari Warriors, only, unlike Ikari Warriors, your character cannot swim. So every time you inadvertently jump into the water to avoid a fast moving projectile, you die. Water, while easy enough to see, is everywhere and even dipping your toe in to check the temperature equals death. I guess in addition to being unable to drive, blonde women cannot tread water either. Have fun with your aquatic seppuku. The other thing that drives me batshit insane is the spiders. Allow me to elaborate. There are treasure chests scattered haphazardly about the playing field. Some contain points, some contain powerups, and some contain evil, terrible, web-spitting, instant death spiders. There is no indication of what any given chest contains, and thanks to the frenetic pace of the game, half the time you don't care. Many times I found my character besieged on all sides by my enemies, and lo have made a desperate break for a treasure chest, hoping for a much needed armor or firepower upgrade. I shoot the chest, breaking it open, and run through it, hoping for a last second powerup. No such luck it seems, as there be spiders in this chest, and they love to have a snack consisting of your character. Next life please.

Graphics/Sound
The game is from 1986, and is by a company more easily associated with poorly drawn naked anime girls, so I wasn't expecting a smorgasbord of eye-candy going in. Well, I was a bit surprised and a bit impressed at the graphic quality. Green bushes actually looked like green bushes, desert rocks actually looked like desert rocks, and giant toothy vagina bosses actually looked like...
Okay, so maybe I'm seeing a giant toothy vagina with purple pubic hair and two out of four spider legs where there is none, but really, from a company that seems obsessed with anime porn, the logical jump isn't that big in my (admittedly intoxicated) position.

The sound is adequate, but isn't going to win any awards in my opinion. The music is very '86 with the bleeping and the blooping, and the sound effects do a good job of reminding me why a lot of people thought the Sega Genesis had great sound.

Story
A 1980's era arcade game, ahahaha, story...right....

Okay, fine. from the MAME history document, which should always be taken with a grain of salt:

"Become the Mighty Fighting Amazon and you will search jungles and deserts on the most dangerous island on earth. Your mission is to recapture the men. You desperately need to save the only race of giant womankind from extinction.

You will journey and must conquer 8 forbidden territories of death infested by hungry cannibals and defended by armies of bizarre creatures, each lead by a giant hideous monster whom you must defeat to continue your quest.

Beware, there are many unknown dangers. Remember, you must steal the air mobile cycle and become invincible to succeed against the giant evil that awaits you. Failure would mean the end of the Mighty Amazon forever! "

I think I would have preferred no story.

Beer
Full Sail IPA. Full Sail is the company, IPA is the type of beer. I had to look this up, but apparently, IPA means India Pale Ale. I haven't tried any of Full Sail's other offerings, but the 47-employee Oregon-based microbrewery seems to have something against my tastebuds with this IPA. The beer is very strong and bitter. When I drink it, I think of angry Europeans stopping by the local pub, and ordering a pint of bitter, all while saying "'Allo guv'nah, fancy a swift kick in th' bollocks?" Of course, considering this is a domestic brew, I imagine this is Karmic punishment for throwing their tea over the side of a boat a few hundred years ago.

Interestingly enough, the beer seems to drink better when warm, which if I recall correctly, is the way those silly Brits like to do it, so perhaps there's something there after all. The beer exhibits a pretty skunky smell, and the first few sips will shock you a bit if you're used to more American-y brews, but once your tongue acclimates to the bitter, earthy taste, and perhaps if you let it warm up a tad, then you can drink with impunity and knock a few of these back within a couple of hours.

The 6% alcohol by volume is a tad bit higher than average, and it gives a pretty good kick, giving a pleasant whirly feeling that goes nicely with trying to kill huge toothy purple vaginas. The carbonation isn't too bad so you can throw a few of these down the gullet without getting the burps or feeling too full. It goes nicely with food, and seems to sit pretty well over time, although with the 6% abv, hangover potential goes up quickly in accordance to number of bottles consumed. 4 beers in rapid succession (over about an hour and a half) really put me in a spot, and now I'm drinking water before I go to bed because I don't exactly like headaches and beer shits. Of course, with the unorthodox pale ale taste, unless you have gamer friends who are also beer-snobs, you can pretty much count on having the whole sixer to yourself. Overall, not a bad beer, but definitely an acquired taste.

The Matchup
This beer and this game seem to go together well, both are a bit hard to swallow, and both require some time to get used to. There's definitely some fun to be had with both, and if you can muscle through the rough edges, rewards are waiting for you. But if you are more oriented towards the mainstream, you can find cheaper thrills much more easily.

Cheers/Game on.