Samurai Shodown II/Earthquake

Game: Samurai Shodown II, SNK, 1994, Arcade
Beer: Earthquake, 24 fl. oz., 12% abv (Jesus!)
# of beers consumed during play: 1
Level Reached: 4th character
Level of Intoxication: Drunk

Game
The Samurai Showdown franchise has catered nicely to the crowd who got tired or discontented with the venerable Street Fighter games and were looking for a change. I remember when this game hit the arcades, showing up on those monstrous red Neo-Geo MVS machines and how the prospect of cutting someone in half as opposed to merely beating them to death held a certain allure to it. Sure there was Mortal Kombat, but this was more subtle, more refined and zen, and the cult that formed around it learned to savor every sword clash and heart-stopping pause in the action. "Heart stopping...pause?" I can hear you ask skeptically...

Gameplay
As one of the many titular samurai, you are pitted in a battle of wits and patience against your foe. Samurai Shodown is a game based on strict timing and sneer inducing, venomous revenge. This strict system of timing lends an air of tension to the game, where the opponents will not want to be the first to attack for fear they will open themselves up to humiliating and highly punishing retribution. While rushdowns and other highly offensive tactics have a place in this game, the most pain and suffering is dealt at the helm of well timed preempts and counters. If you manage to catch your opponent at the very beginning or ending of an attack, you do a good chance of not only taking them for over half of their lifebar in one hit, but of watching them do the angry dance in the middle of the whole arcade, which is reward enough on its own. Of course, whiff a big hit and you'll soon experience the biblical definition of hateful vengeance. Often, a whiffed strike or a particularly well timed parry will seem to stop time as the players both suddenly hope they recover before the other. These are the heart-stopping pauses that I mentioned earlier, and while a mere description doesn't do it justice, when you experience one, you'll damn well know it. To quote a song: "These are just a few of my favorite things."

To complement your razor sharp sense of timing and exacting strikes of mortal efficiency (or not...), a number of abilities and special powers have been added to the game. You can dash and jump back, you can duck lower than normal to avoid projectiles, you have a number of special and super special attacks at your command, and you have the capability to be a complete douche and utilize one of the genre's first implementations of a parry system. In addition, the game likes to throw treats at you periodically, such as food which will grant you a boost in the lifebar region, but which will probably be picked up by your opponent who doesn't even need it, and satchels of money which increase your (or your beloved opponent's) point total. At the same random intervals, the game will toss bombs in the play arena, whereupon you will promptly be cornered into the bomb range by your rival. Fun times. Also, if the conditions are right, both characters will become locked in a sword clash, requiring you to begin madly wailing on the buttons. The loser of this melee loses their sword, and must try to regain it while being picked apart by their now much better equipped adversary.


If you manage a particularly well timed strike which depletes the other player of their life in the deciding round, you may be treated to a dramatic pause before you see them die in a gruesome and jeer-inducing manner. These deaths include a dramatic spray of blood and getting cleaved in half. While it doesn't happen all the time, when it does happen, it's so hard-earned and visceral that you may just find yourself jumping up and down and discussing at length the feminine qualities your defeated rival possesses.


Graphics/Sound
The Neo-Geo MVS has always been one of my favorite machines, and a welcome sight anywhere I find one. The hardware was already capable of quite a lot, and SNK most certainly made sure they got their money's worth by squeezing every last drop of performance out of the hardware they could, especially in the last few years of the machine's life. Samurai Shodown II is one of the earlier titles, but the graphics shine even at this relatively early stage. The characters are all big, colorful and detailed, and the backgrounds are so well drawn and animated, that you may just find yourself getting cut into little tiny pieces because you spent too much time staring at the pretty pictures. The animation is smooth and very anime-inspired, using pauses and special graphical techniques to tremendous effect. The levels are also designed with breakable objects, which add an incredible layer of coolness when you go to hit your rival and you cut a barrel of fish in half or lop the top of a bamboo shoot off instead.


The game's cut scenes are blessed with an incredible degree of engrish, which SNK has become well known for, and adds the to the game's very well assembled and coherent Japanese atmosphere. Seriously, if you're a Japanophile and you haven't heard of this game, you must have just come out of a coma. Welcome back, we have a black president, the economy is in the toilet, and your wife left you for your brother. Now go play Samurai Shodown II.

The sound is similarly amazing. In fact, if I had to pick tops between the graphics or sound, I would give the audio the nod. The aural experience in this game is so superbly built and executed, it totally stands on its own. In an arcade cluttered with machines screaming their attract modes, Samurai Shodown II subtly draws your attention. The Japanese harps and taiko drums paint an auditory landscape that sucks you into the game and makes the yells of agony and clash of steel even more powerful. For me, there's nothing quite like dismantling your foe as a traditional Japanese soundtrack chimes serenely in the background. Also, as already mentioned, the ambient sounds such as sword clashes, yelps, and other voices are well sampled and complement the rest of the atmosphere in superlative fashion. It's nearly enough to get a cowboy to eat sushi and dress up as a cartoon character. Almost.

Story
I've never really paid much attention to the Samurai Shodown stories, and a cursory look on the internet makes me think that few others have either. From what I can divine from the engrish cut scenes and some chatter on the interwebs, some person seeks ultimate power and in doing so, creates what the game only describes as "troubles." The game never really specifies what the troubles are, so I'll use "troubles" in my own life as a point of reference, meaning that someone couldn't pay their credit card bill on time and got reported to the credit agencies, preventing them from buying a house later on in life. Somehow, this causes a handful of historically based characters to come together to fight and vanquish an incredibly sadistic female SNK boss with an insanely annoying laugh. Perhaps she was a bill collector. Go figure.

Beer
Okay, first off, let me say...Goddamn...At the moment I'm not coordinated enough to speak my own name, much less type up a review on the game I just played. Twelve percent alcohol by volume...that's getting into hard liquor range. If you need a physical reference for my level of intoxication, I cannot feel my lips...no joking, I'm slooshed right now. Earthquake is definitely living up to its name currently as I am basically reduced to the mental faculties of a carrot. But in the interest of this review, allow me to extol the virtues of this alcohol...

Go to your medicine cabinet...find the Listerine...pretend your life in suburbia is Hell on earth and take a couple of swigs...welcome to my world. Earthquake will instantly pickle your tongue and turn your brain into a pile of slag. These are the good qualities of this alcohol. The bad is nearly everything else. The smell is something I ruminated over for quite some time, I was sure I'd smelled that odor somewhere before. Then it hit me; the scent that was issuing forth from the open mouth of the can was one of death, pure unbridled death of the variety you would have found in a Nazi concentration camp. The smell was sweet and dull all at the same time, with just the teensiest bit of chemical nastiness rounding out the bouquet. I suppose the caustic smell should have warned me off this beverage before it was too late, but I'm stubborn and I'll drink nearly anything that has been approved by the FDA (as well as some things that haven't), and so I brought the can up to my mouth...

Sweet Holy Mother of God this stuff is terrible. I take back what I said about Joose, that drink is manna of the Gods compared to this toxic waste. Every time I took a drink I had to steel myself beforehand, and shake it off afterward. You know when you have to take a dose of NyQuil? The original dog-ass flavored green NyQuil? And you hold your nose and swallow it and a little is always left on your tongue? And that little bit makes you kind of shiver because it's just such an offense to your sense of taste? And sometimes you might dry heave once because you smelled it too? Well, Earthquake is just like that only about ten times worse. It's so bad that as you drink it and get seriously wasted, you still have to do the "steel, drink, cringe" thing every time you take a pull of this stuff because no matter how drunk you get that hideous taste shotguns right past the intoxication and into the flavor centers in your brain, where it starts lighting fires and kicking shit over. I'm not kidding when I say I think Earthquake is exactly the taste you would find if you mixed equal parts NyQuil, gasoline, and dogshit. Winos won't even drink this, and I don't blame them.

The Matchup
It's a good thing that Samurai Shodown II is so steeped in greatness, because Earthquake is so hideously terrible that I think I found a new way to curse someone I detest. As in: "I do believe your whore mother drank Earthquake while burdened with your fetal incarnation. Kindly locate the nearest working lavatory and drown yourself in it." While Samurai Shodown II is an excellent party game with friends, Earthquake is only for those lonely souls who wish to invest in an agony-rife suicide much like in Leaving Las Vegas, only without having sex with Elizabeth Shue. Do something nice for yourself, forget Earthquake ever existed and play some Samurai Shodown II with some good friends...you'll be glad you did.

Cheers/Game on.