Games 'N Beer

Gunblade NY/Victoria

2011-09-25T10:23:00.000-05:00

Game: Gunblade NY, Sega, 1995, Arcade
Beer: Victoria, 12 fl. oz., 4.0% abv
# of beers consumed during play: 3
Level Reached: End Credits. Twice.
Level of Intoxication: Three Sheets to the Wind

Game
There was a time, not too long ago, that Sega was the undisputed champion of arcade games. Back in this storied time, where arcades could be found literally everywhere, Sega made more high-quality games than any other company. Sega made so many classic games in fact that anyone who has ever had an occasion to plunk a quarter or two into an arcade machine has more than likely contributed directly to Sega's profit margin. Were I to somehow come up with a comprehensive list of Sega-branded arcade cabinets, perhaps from a website that rhymes with "sticky-bleedia", I have no doubt that everyone reading it would be able to pick out more than a few games that they had experienced themselves. If you don't believe me, all I have to do is mention Outrun. What I'm trying to say is Sega made a ghetto-dumper assload of awesome arcade games, one of which was named Gunblade NY.

Gameplay
Gunblade NY is one of Sega's many, many lightgun games. The arcade cabinet features two swivel-mounted machine guns complete with a force feedback mechanism that oscillates, making the players feel as though they are firing a real gun. In the game, the player (that would probably be you if you're awesome and love good games) is the wing gunner in a special helicopter built specifically for the task. Your hovering platform of incomprehensible doom flies so low, fast, and completely without regard for the laws of physics that you would swear your pilot is a cross between a 90's-era Gary Busey and Chuck Yeager with a Monday morning hangover. As your helicopter careens through the cityscape, you will unleash an unending fury from your gun, shooting at and explodifying annoyingly agile and resilient cyborgs.

The game is a classic rails shooter, meaning you are on a set path and your task is to simply lay the smackdown on anything that crosses through your field of view. The cool twist to this is that while you have a set path, depending on what you target, the cocaine-fueled pilot will focus obsessively on that enemy until it is defeated, whereupon the camera will spin nauseatingly around to find any of the remaining robots so you can end their robo-suffering in a similar manner. What is difficult to properly convey about this experience is the speed at which everything happens. This is one of the few games to successfully give me a feeling of vertigo as I play, and that is because the game will routinely find the camera panning across insane angles and rotating on wild axes in an attempt to home in on the next set of bad guys or traverse to a new portion of the level. The challenge then, seeing as how you never run out of ammunition and never have to reload, is keeping your sights steady on a group of enemies as the helicopter you're in seems to perform yet another airshow caliber loop or roll.
As the levels progress, the enemies get more agile, dodging your gunfire with infuriating ease. The speed and frequency at which they return fire on you is also increased, with later levels looking like a green rocket salad with a side of rockets and extra rocket dressing. This presents one of the game's shining moments though as you suddenly realize you are one hit away from death, you see enough ordinance coming at your face to make the Taliban giggle like schoolgirls, and in some miracle of coordination, luck, and determination you dispatch all the incoming missiles and proceed to exfoliate the hell out of the bastards who dared fire upon you.

One shortcoming of the game is in the end-level bosses, who--with a few notable exceptions--are pretty ho-hum. Most of them are almost totally stationary, and can be taken out in only a few seconds. The boss challenges seem to have an unnatural dip as compared to the rest of the game and feels like more of an arbitrary gateway to level progression. In certain boss fights, it even seems like the game's designers went out of their way to avoid making the boss fights cool. A chopper versus chopper battle over a bridge, which even sounds cool and had the potential to be sickeningly amazing, was neutered right out of the gate as the boss helicopter flies lazily in front of you, facing away from you for so long that if you fail to shoot it down before it actually turns around and starts shooting back you might want to have the arcade come and check to see if your gun is even connected.
Aside from the bosses and the relatively short game time, which for both missions as well as the time attack remix will clock in somewhere under 40 minutes, the game is full of fun, fast-paced throwaway thrills. Such experiences are essentially the highest form an arcade title can achieve, simply because the short playtime encourages a new batch of players always cycling into the machine, and the fun and addictive gameplay brings the same players back for another round. Thoughtfully, Sega knew that people who loved Gunblade NY couldn't get enough, and in 1998 released L.A. Machineguns as a direct sequel. L.A. Machineguns preserved the same great gameplay with updated graphics and sounds thanks to being hosted on Sega's premier Model 3 hardware.

Graphics/Sound
Gunblade NY was one of Sega's Model 2 games. Other notable games from the Model 2 era include Virtua Cop, Virtua Fighter, Datona USA, House of the Dead, and Virtual-On. To say that the Model 2 hardware made Sega a fortune is an understatement. The Model 2 hardware was a dedicated 3D platform, offering up bright, detailed graphics and smooth animation. Gunblade NY may not have taxed the Model 2 like some of its later games, but the graphics are clean and bright, and the amount of action in any given scene along with the number of special effects and level of detail combined to make Gunblade's graphics an incredibly potent showcase of motion and color. If you are epileptic in any form, you may want to keep your wussy-ass away from my game. Of course, if you're epileptic and you play videogames, you're much like a diabetic in a candy-eating contest, equal parts stupid and brazen.
The sounds of Gunblade NY are at once typical and unique. If that sounds like an oxymoron, stick with me. For one, all the gun sounds, explody-type sounds, stuff getting hit sounds, and approximation of musical instrument sounds pretty much scream stock sound libraries. Of particular note in this regard is when you shoot down an enemy projectile, which makes a classic movie ricochet noise. This noise is so pronounced and twangy, that by about the 100th time hearing it you will either have a psychological break, or will have already defensively tuned it out. Other noises such as the constant punch of your machine gun firing into everything you can see are largely unobtrusive and will blend quickly into the background din. The music is so overblown and kitschy that you know it had to have come from a Japanese design team. The synthesized guitars screech and wail patriotically during cutscenes in such a cartoonish fashion that I'm tempted to assume the musical scores were composed on a bet. On the other hand, certain facets of the sound production are so unique and unapologetic they ascend to a new plateau of interest. Worthy of particular mention is the game's voice work. At certain points in the game, usually during cutscenes, a male voice will come on informing you of mission parameters and other such nonsense, since really, the mission is always "kill every robotic bitch you see". In my very humble opinion, this voice-over is the greatest thing ever, because the speaker is obviously Japanese. How do I know? Because when you die and hit the continue screen, the announcer suddenly yells "GUNBRADE! PREASE RESPOND!!" There's no way to explain why a desperate Japanese man with poor enunciation makes me even more frantic as I dig in my pocket for the next quarter, but that's just the way it is.

Story
In the super futuristic year 2005, New York City is suddenly besieged by nasty robotic terrorists all toting RPGs and missile launchers. As these electromechanical malefactors wreak havoc on The Big Apple and its citizens, you are tasked with using withering levels of firepower to bring the menace under control. Yeah, that's pretty much it. Any finer details of the story are buried under the apparent notion that it doesn't have to be explained if it's sufficiently awesome. Why are the terrorists killing people and destroying cars and buildings? Because awesome, that's why. What do the terrorists want? Awesome. Who is leading them? Awesome. Where did they come from? The country Awesome, which as I'm told is right next to the country of What, where they do not speak English.

Beer
Most people know about Coronas, and thanks the the Most Interesting Man in the World ads, everyone and their frickin' granny knows about Dos Equis. A select few know about Modelo, and I'm willing to bet about thirteen people outside of Mexico know about Victoria. Make that fourteen now that I've had a chance to drink it. From what I've been able to find out, Victoria is actually one of the oldest beers in Mexico. In fact, it's only just recently tried to move into the US markets, starting up in Chicago and slowly bleeding out from there. I'm only speaking for myself here, but I actually hope the beer gains a healthy foothold here in the states, as I'm tired of not only hearing about how terrible domestic American beer is, but I'm also tired of having to drink the same three or four well-known Mexican imported brews. Victoria is a nice change, even if it isn't the alpha and the omega of south-of-the-border barley pops. With a simple presentation and quite the lengthy lineage, Victoria sets itself up nicely as a beer to take notice of. Unfortunately, while it isn't terrible, it is by no means going to usurp any beers that I hold dear, and while it has a number of points that do in fact cause it to stand out among the rest, it has an equal number of shortcomings that serve to push it back into the rank and file.

Smell
Victoria has a clean, almost sterile smell, with just the barest hint of earthy tones. There's definitely a lot of malty smell in there, and a slight undercurrent of fruitiness, much like the generic version of Apple Jacks that comes in the 5 pound bags. Don't even play like you don't know what I'm talking about either. Everyone in the world has had a run-in with "Apple Kickers", "Apple Snaps", "Apple Ring-O's", and, if you lived in China, possibly "Apple-Flavored Processed Grain By-Product for the People"...Where was I? Oh yeah. Point being, whether you had poor parents or a thrifty aunt, you know exactly the knock-off cereal I'm talking about. Well, Victoria's odor has just the slightest twang of that special Malt-O-Meal essence, and you know what? I'm diggin' it man. It isn't out of place and actually rounds out the beer's bouquet quite nicely. It's distinctive and interesting in a sea of beers which seem to take the easy road.

Taste
This beer manages to pull off a clean, malty swing, with a hint of complexity and a slightly bitter aftertaste. There's definitely a feeling like I've been here before, and to be truthful, I'm seriously reminded of a more full-bodied and bitter Budweiser. I'm not saying this is all that and a bag of chips mind you, this beer is still just on this side of pedestrian, although it seems to toe the line between a beer that's strictly middle of the road and one that has enough character to be almost great. It isn't displacing any of my top five; or top ten for that matter, but it does manage to get my attention, if even for only one bottle at a time. Not unlike the weird girl at school getting all made-over and showing up at the prom looking super hot and grabbing the attention of all the guys, but then showing up all mousy and weird again the next day at school. Victoria reminds me of that weird girl's rainbow tights and knee-high moccasin boots.

Intoxication
This beer lends a very full-bodied intoxication, giving the limbs an interestingly numb feeling that leads to exaggerated movements when walking and poor coordination when typing. Seriously, I had to spell-check this paragraph like 16 times because all the words came out looking like "exxagetated", "interstinglly", and "corrdinatuin." Going to grab another beer was like learning how to walk again, only more in a funhouse ride sense and not in a tragic, spine-paralyzing accident sense.

Feel
Victoria is afflicted with the same problem most Stephen King novels suffer from, too much body. Even a small sip will seem to fill your mouth like that cool ass safety foam from the car in Demolition Man. Unfortunately, this stuff isn't going to save your life, and if you drink too much of it, will probably make you feel like you just ate a whole bag of the Demolition Man car foam. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go to YouTube and check it out, it won't take long. Once you come back enlightened and a better person overall, we can discuss how logic and physics would dictate that safety foam finding its way into every one of your orifii possible and how insanely uncomfortable that would be. Anyway, yes, Victoria has a lot of bloat to it, as well as a lot of fizz. Remember those certain drawbacks I mentioned earlier? This is chief among them.

The Matchup
When you look at Gunblade NY and Victoria each in their native environments, they both seem to fit quite well. For me at least, Gunblade's native environment is reflecting off the back of my retinas. Your mileage may vary depending on how much of a nostalgic love affair you had with classic Sega arcade games and how tolerant you are of rail shooters. In the case of Victoria, the beer is quite well loved in its native land of Mexico, and with such a loyal and long-standing following, it's easy to see why it attempted to make the jump to the American market. Only time will tell if this particular fish can survive in unknown waters. Of course, as Budweiser and Coors have so readily proven, popularity is based less on taste and more on advertising and forced availability, so if Victoria manages to embrace that, it very well could do just fine.

Cheers/Game on.

Loaded/Twisted Tea

2011-09-15T11:20:00.002-05:00

Game: Loaded, Interplay, 1996, PSX
Beer: Twisted Tea, 24 fl. oz., 5% abv
# of beers consumed during play: 1
Level Reached: 2
Level of Intoxication: Woozy

Game
Back when the Playstation 1 first debuted, the games industry was undergoing a significant change. Its image as a children's toy was beginning to fade and while older gamers were still being compared to sweaty-palmed 15-year-olds, the target demographic was slowly sliding upwards. While bloody, violent games were by no means a new concept, it seemed as if the advent of the Sony Playstation and Sega Saturn embraced these ideals even more. The games industry was apparently going through puberty, as games of the time and their advertisements were filled with course language, accentuated female body parts, and lots and lots of chunky red blobs. Enter Loaded, a property which attempted to posit the notion that all you need to make a game is a ton of hallways, some locked doors, and lots and lots of chunky red blobs. Many would say that the developers of Loaded and its sequel succeeded spectacularly in making something game-ish.

Gameplay
From simply hearing about the game and possibly viewing a few screenshots or YouTube clips, one might assume that the goal of Loaded is to simply shoot everything that isn't you, including prisoners, insane people, security guards, sentry guns, tables, chairs, walls, doors, and anything else that could conceivably be aimed at in the game. While this might be technically true, it isn't really the actual goal of the game, and this is where the intrinsic problem with Loaded lies. The real goal of Loaded is to get to the next level, and yes, I realize that sounds pretty elementary. The problem is, that's really the goal of the game. Seriously. Oh sure, they may be dressed up in the loading screen as "Find the warden's elevator", "get to the escape pods", or even the clever and misleading "get to the level exit", but in the end, that's all you are doing, everyone you shoot at is just getting in the way. Now, I realize that once over-simplified, every game's objective boils down to that. But finding varied and interesting ways of getting you to that objective is one of the secret ingredients that make some games good, some great, and some abysmal. While Loaded doesn't quite fit into that last category, it comes dangerously close. In the game, you choose your character from a roster of criminal caricatures that for one reason or another makes me feel like I'm getting a disturbing peek into the hidden insecurities of the game's design team. Between psychotic clowns, gigantic babies, bald men in purple dresses, or a female who can only be described as disappointing; there's a specific criminal deviation for everyone. Each character has their own strengths and weaknesses, and no matter who you pick, you'll be wishing you picked the fastest one halfway through the first level.

Why? I'm so glad you're wondering.

When you are entering a new area in a level, you will be positively inundated with enemies, turrets, explosions, gunfire, lights, sounds, and power-ups. Once you have frantically dispatched all the baddies, exploded all the crates, and collected everything there is to collect, you will move onto a new area. Once again, you will be set upon by what seems like every pissed-off guard and lowly prison inmate possible, and you will again have to kill everything that moves. This pattern will repeat over and over, giving you an incredibly steady and well timed sine wave of conflict, collect, and carry on, all the way up until you find the key card. The. Key. Card. Old-school gamers know exactly where I'm going with this, but for all of you who just got your first game system in the form of a 360 last Christmas from your parents, I'll explain. Back in the hey-day of videogames, certain platformers and First Person Shooters used a combination of multi-colored key cards and correspondingly locked doors in order to create more branched and intricate levels, as well as to elongate the gameplay and get more playtime out of a given map. Back then, it was regarded as one of those basic gameplay conventions, something that any game in the genre would be crazy not to have. Unfortunately, no matter how cleverly the level was designed, the key card system always involved backtracking. Backtracking has never, ever been fun. Ever. Ever. Unfortunately, anyone who has played the original Doom, Descent, or yes, even the original Metal Gear Solid has come to understand how terrible it is to have fought hours through a level just to get a silly card that you needed for a single door on the other side of the known universe, and now, instead of sneaking/killing/shooting your way through a level, you are walking, in silence, through stuff you've already seen and slowly realizing how much laundry you have to do before Monday. Ask someone who has beaten any one of these games what color the keycards are, and once they've stopped having PTSD-style flashbacks, they'll tell you. It doesn't matter which game they played, because the colors are always the same across every single game that uses them. Red, Yellow, Blue, and sometimes Green. Loaded uses this exact same design cue. Players have to fight all the way to one corner of the level to snag a colored key card so they can slog all the way back to a door they saw right after the loading screen so they can continue to another remote corner of the game for another card. If you're wondering why I mentioned the first MGS, don't forget, at the very end of the game, you have to use three key cards to "deactivate" Metal Gear. One yellow, one blue, and one red. Aaaaand you have to backtrack.
Of course, I know why they included the keycard mechanic in Loaded. Aside from the fact that it was still in vogue at the time, it was also included to add artificial complexity to the maze-like levels of the game and the nauseatingly repetitive nature of the shoot-em-up gameplay. The sloppy controls, the cheap hits snuck in by the cookie-cutter bad guys, and the hideously repetitive graphics only serve as gravy to this decaying sack of potato slurry.

Okay, sure, maybe I'm being too hard on Loaded, seeing as it's almost 16 years old. It has its moments, and to be sure the game is good for blowing off some steam and just cutting loose with some mindless kill-em-allitude. Unfortunately for the game, I'm definitely not looking back with rose tinted glasses and in playing this, I can see that now, the game's shortcomings outweigh its highlights, with the ultra-violence and super fast paced gameplay engineered to mask the weak underlying structure of the game. Before you jackals start emailing me, I actually still own an original copy of this game, and it is in pristine condition. So yes, there was a point in my life that I enjoyed this game enough to pay upwards of $50 for it. I know it was heralded as groundbreaking when it was originally released, but sadly, this property has not aged well.

Graphics/Sound
Given that this is a Playstation 1 title, the graphics aren't half bad. Of course, textures in this game are reused so often, one may start to think the level artists went on strike halfway through the development cycle and the programmers paid some kid to just sit there and hit Ctrl+V until the game looked finished. All I'm saying is that the blue vented steel floors texture apparently won some sort of contest because they are everywhere. Of course, aside from potentially falling into the pit of "I'm lost because every part of this level looks exactly like every other part of this level", the repetitive graphic assets are bad because really, the designers had free reign of a storage medium capable of 650MB of storage, and most of that was taken up by songs from a band whose name alluded to someone's father engaging in self-cannibalism. Or something. I don't know. The 90's were a confusing time. Forgetting for a moment the repetitive textures and sprites, the lighting in the game was superb, and set a benchmark for smooth, colorful, realtime light sourcing. There, I said something nice about this damned game, get off my back you hateroids.
The sounds weren't bad at all, seeing as this game came from the glory days of the CD era. Music tracks were streamed directly off the CD, and sound effects were nicely digitized. In addition to the two or three music tracks that were actually pulse-pounding, pump-up murder music, the majority of the game had level scores that were quiet and unfortunately repetitive techno rave material. The sound effects are an unusual mix, with menu effects and certain other cues being authentic sounding gun loading and shooting sounds, whereas pretty much all of the characters' guns have a variation on the "pew-pew-pew" sound libraries. Classic fight noises and cartoonish grunts also abound as you skitter through a level, and guards in the game will oftentimes yell a stern "FREEZE!" None of these sounds ever really seems to get auditory priority over any others, and when absorbed in a normal play session, will all wash over you in the exact same fashion, as a dull roar that you'll instinctively tune out. If you've ever wanted to know what sensory overload feels like, sit as close to the screen as you can in a dark room, turn the volume all the way up, and play this for as long as you can stand it. Loaded excels at overwhelming your pathetic human brain.

Story
Story...Story...Okay, well here goes.

You are one of six psychotic maniacs, armed to the teeth. You have been imprisoned on a maximum security planet because you have been framed for the crimes of a failed military-cook-turned-space-pirate named, no joke, Fat Ugly Boy. This paragon of charm has actually worked his way up to the position of warden in the very prison system that your character is jailed in, and it is up to you to exact your revenge on F. U. B. for saddling you with his crimes before he uses super-advanced technology to hold the universe for ransom. Nevermind that you are already a psychotic, mentally deranged mercenary who already has a storied past of mass-murder and sociopathic behavior. As you chase F. U. B. across the galaxy, killing what can only be quantified as everyone who ever existed, you will begin to realize that no person ever played Loaded for the story, and the designers themselves probably came up with it as an afterthought one night during an intense session of injecting liquid LSD into their eyeballs.

Beer
Twisted Tea, yeah I'm again stretching the definition of beer with this outing, and you know I can feel you judging me right now. Fortunately, I know that you are more curious than judgmental, and that once I begin to describe this oral misadventure, you will decide, like I did, that choosing this product for this review was a terrific idea. Which allows me to segue nicely into something that wasn't a terrific idea: drinking this...thing. This...abomination. The person who sold this to me remarked casually that her friend loved it because she was unable to taste the difference between it and real sweet tea, and that this got her inexplicably bombed after just two cans. Had I been a certain ascot-wearing preppy crime solver, I would have correctly identified the preceding two sentiments as "a clue" whereupon my nerdy but still hot female sidekick would have uttered something along the lines of "Jinkies!" Unfortunately, I had neither the ascot nor the insight and simply paid my money and took the Twisted Tea home. Before I continue, I want to make one thing clear; whatever choice phrases I coin to describe Twisted Tea, however badly I rag on it, it will never even come close to touching the rings of Hell that is Earthquake, Joose, Four Loko, and others. Nothing can. Sure in its own little microcosm, the relatively weak Twisted Tea is bad, but comparing it directly to those other alcohols is like comparing Lindsay Lohan to Andrei Chikatilo, the scale for comparison is simply not able to open that wide. Anyway...

Smell
I have the feeling that everyone on the face of the planet knows the smell of tea, whether it be hot Earl Gray, or chamomile, or even plain old black tea left to sit for a day or two, the smell of tea is pretty characteristic. Following that assumption is that with an odor so widely known, it's a fairly trivial matter to tell whether or not it has gone bad. In the case of tea: does it still smell tea-like? Well, if you were like me when you opened the can of Twisted Tea, you smelled it and immediately came to the conclusion that your can had somehow been tainted. If you were quite unlike me, you would have immediately poured the offending beverage down the drain and spent some quality time sorting your sock drawer. My sock drawer was left unattended however, as I carefully considered the smell. The tea is in there, but it has been...changed...corrupted by the introduction of alcohol. The alcohol presents in an unusual manner, tempered perhaps by the tea, it isn't as sharp, and is somewhat changed in character. Instead of the normal notes of ethanol and casual sex, there is an almost wooden quality there, coming off with a similar odor to most British insurance claims adjusters.

Taste
Get some cat urine, add some Splenda, toss in a dash of Armor-all if you really want to do this right. Drink. Bam, you have Twisted Tea. If you don't have cat piss handy, go to your local bus station and lick the floor, it's basically the same thing. If I have irreparably grossed you out, please send me an email telling me. I am so lonely.

Okay, to be absolutely truthful, the tea taste, the sweet taste, and the alcohol taste just do not go together, it's like sour cream and watermelon, or goat cheese and chocolate, or snails and salt. Basically what I'm trying to get across here is the taste of Twisted Tea has a habit of making one's tongue cringe. I can say however that the taste seems to flatten out as more TT is consumed, until the taste really becomes inconsequential, and is really more of a minor annoyance to the newly risen goal of making it through the whole can. Now, in my limited experience, and as a mental throwback to the comments made to me by the saleswoman in regards to her friend, I am under the impression that Twisted Tea creates a specific female phenomenon whereby a woman will eagerly drink multiple cans of this substance in order to inoculate her own brain against the horrors of being hit on by that guy across the room who keeps eating his boogers. In extrapolating my own experience with the stuff, I can say that with enough Twisted Tea, a woman can successfully weather just about any adverse social situation, including waking up with Doctor Snotmuncher the next morning.

Intoxication
With only 5% abv, Twisted Tea is not going to obliterate you like certain other bargain basement offerings, but if you are the aforementioned lightweight chick who is prone to intentionally drinking away her lack of self-worth, Twisted Tea will get you there in fairly short order. The intoxication this drink offers is more mental. Where other alcohols make you look like John Travolta with a Novocaine shot to the lower spine, Twisted Tea leaves your gross motor functions mostly uninhibited, choosing instead to attack your upper mental faculties, leading to the well known phenomenon of telling everyone in earshot that you "totally love them" and asking any possible authority figures "if everything's cool...because you totally love them too."

Feel
Well, technically, Twisted Tea is not carbonated, there are no bubbles to foam up in your mouth. The weird thing about this is that when you do drink this concoction, there is a certain zing that you can most definitely feel on your tongue. I know it isn't carbonation, it doesn't even feel like carbonation, but there is a kick there that defies rational explanation. It's as if the tea and the alcohol have pulled some weird Captain Planet thing and through their powers combined have become even more tooth-curdling. Of course, aside from that, the rest of the drink is as flaccid as one would normally expect from a sweet tea-derived product. It's sweet, it's tea, and if it wasn't for the strange and clumsy interjection from the alcohol, it would be refreshing and forgettable. Also, just in case you missed it, I used the adjective flaccid to describe a product that you put in your mouth.

The Matchup
Both of these products are actually well paired here because in a certain capacity, they both do the same job. They reject the typical reality and substitute their own. Loaded is a game that you fire up and play to simply forget the world around you and indulge in your basest fantasies. Even so, at its core, it manages to take something that normally dwells on the fringe of acceptability and make it boring. On the other hand, Twisted Tea is a can you open when you want to forget the world for the next 6-8 hours and go from some boring nobody to that person everyone always records and posts to the internet. Each property has its own core audience that it caters to and who consequently adore it, and that reason alone may be enough to recommend giving these properties a go. Some people may hate it, some may feel as though they found their secret vice, and others may just be like me, who shrug their shoulders and sigh out a half-hearted "meh..." and that's okay too.

Cheers/Game on.

Minecraft/Ziegenbock

2011-08-26T10:04:00.002-05:00

Game: Minecraft, Mojang, 2010, PC
Beer: Ziegenbock, 11.2 fl. oz., 4.0% abv
# of beers consumed during play: 3
Level Reached: 127 (Minecraft players know what I'm talking about)
Level of Intoxication: Buzzed

Game
Unless you were an extremely disadvantaged youth, you had the distinct pleasure of getting to play with Legos as a kid. Of course, if your parents hated you, they either bought you the far inferior MegaBloks, or they just forced you to play with your little sister's Duplos. If they loved you, you might have come downstairs one Christmas to find a brand new Pirate's Cove Lego set under the tree. Point being that anyone aside from Amish kids has at one point or another in their lives, played happily with Legos and discovered their subtle charm. Any adults reading this have invariably stepped on a Lego block barefoot and discovered to their sickly dismay that Legos are made out of brightly colored razor sharp edges and corners. The people over at codehouse Mojang either had metric tons of Lego blocks as children, or they were the pee-smelling Duplo kid down the block that cries while he's eating his school lunch. Either way, they've taken Legos, thrust them into the digital realm, and somehow made them even more awesomer.

Gameplay
Ironically, describing minecraft as a "Lego Simulator" is wrong, because the only slight similarity between Minecraft and ye olde plastic blocks is that you can take blocks and build them into things that depending on your skill level, may be nothing more than larger blocks. The reason the above comparison is bad is because Minecraft is actually better. In all my days creating awesome things with Lego blocks, I never recall being able to fashion floating islands with waterfalls, lava flows, working monster traps, or the ability to make a Lego furnace which would make certain blocks transmogrify into other certain blocks. Any Lego furnace I encountered as a wee young'n would invariably transmogrify my blocks into rainbow soup and get me grounded for a week. So yeah, Minecraft = better.

In Minecraft, you are basically given a random world which contains all the ingredients needed to create anything you want. I don't mean that in a silly or facetious way. I literally mean "anything you want." If you spend about 5 seconds casting around on the internet plugging such terms as "greatest Minecraft creations", "awesome Minecraft stuff", or "omg Minecraft wtf crafty craft" you will find your search engine bursting with results that are both amazing in scope and design and slightly saddening when you realize the time it took to make a 1:1 model of the USS Enterprise or a working 16-bit computer. No, I'm not making those examples up, yes, they are real. Yes, lest you ask, the next step is three-dimensional animated porn.

Before you accuse Minecraft of being nothing more than a blocky sandbox however, allow me to touch on a number of systems that the game features and what make it what it is. First of all, the game has several game modes and variants. As of this writing, Minecraft is still a beta product and things are being changed all the time. If you wanna just get your create on, the free version of Minecraft (called Classic) can be played in a web browser over at the Minecraft site, and there is no actual crafting, you just place any block you want anywhere you want. Many of the behemoth Minecraft creations are made in that mode. For anyone who wants to pony up a little dough however, the downloadable client is available which offers the ability to craft things, as well as a larger variety of blocks, animals, achievements, and monsters. Tools are on offer such as buckets, swords, shovels, and the absolutely necessary pick-axe. Different grades of tool can be made, from the practically throwaway wooden type, all the way up to the tools made of diamond, which are as hard as they sound, and are the only tools capable of harvesting certain materials. Day and night cycles factor into the game, and at night or in dark corners of the world, monsters will spawn and scare the bejeezus out of you because they make creepy noises, hurt you, and generally appear out of nowhere. Of course, fighting the monsters will yield certain materials which can't be found anywhere else, giving you the ability to craft even more complex items, and even allowing you to tame certain animals in the game world. Still, the first time you're building something at night and run across a Creeper, you'll be super tempted to change the game's difficulty down to peaceful so you can just build your giant glass dome in peace.
Before you ask, yes, everything in the game has that same derp-face. Including you.

As mentioned before, the current version of the game is in beta and so as time goes on, more things will be added, but I'm reviewing the game as it stands, and currently, one of the big shortcomings that kind of hold this game back is the fact that despite baddies to kill, things to craft, and even a robust multiplayer where people can work together and build what may amount to a huge insane and labyrinthine town, there is still no overarching goal to be found. There is no actual character progression, no level structure, and no true "endgame". Thus what you encounter when you first fire this thing up is what you'll have all the way up until Mojang updates something. For people who are used to moving through outside goals, or require certain aspects of linearity or progression are going to be somewhat disappointed with Minecraft. Unfortunately for those people, in its current iteration, Minecraft just isn't that sort of game, and in my humble opinion, shouldn't be. I don't profess to be any real voice of authority on the games industry or even of any specific cross-section of gamers, but I feel like Minecraft is great because it isn't the same typical grind from beginning to end. There isn't some level designer telling you how to experience this world. You have literally been given a blank slate with all the tools you need to shape the world offered to you as you see fit. For anyone who has ever played a Sim-City title just so they could make the city they always wanted to live in, such a game is an incredibly powerful tool for self-expression, and if you leave the monsters on while you dig and build in Minecraft, that expression will frequently be "AAAARRRGHH! GODDAMN CREEPERS! STOP TRYING TO BLOW ME UP!"

All complaints about the lack of a true endgame aside though, Minecraft as a beta is as robust and feature-rich as any full version game released by any other company. And again, given the open invitation to make the world (or multiple worlds) offered belong only to you and/or your E-friends, it's no surprise to see the community that has grown out of this game. So get online, look up how to build a portal and transport to the Nether, where you will immediately be consumed by lava and lose everything you're carrying.

Graphics/Sound
Ahh yes, the graphics. Depending on who you talk to, the graphics are either a wildly clever homage to 8 and 16-bit gaming, or quite possibly the ugliest and most jarring punch to the eyeballs ever. The debate isn't quite on par with say, abortion or stem cell research, but it has a fair share of mouth-frothers on both sides of the tape. As far as I'm concerned, the graphics do exactly what they need to do, which is to facilitate the gameplay. The chunky appearance actually ties in with the block-building gameplay, and if the 8-bit-inspired textures aren't tickling your ballyhoo, Minecraft allows you to apply 3rd party texture packs to make the pig's faces as creepy as possible. At any rate, the graphics are actually some of the most competent I've seen, the design is tightly cohesive, and help to convey in-game cues and interface language in an organic and understandable way. Certain graphical cues are subtle, and require a sharp eye and more in-depth understanding of the game world to interpret, which in my opinion only serve to flesh out a Minecraft biome as being even more alive. Small differences in plants, animals, and environment can give insight into a given region or particular point of interest. In Minecraft, the seemingly simplistic graphics are more than just window dressing--as is the case in many million-dollar-budget titles--but are actually a useful catalog of information for those able to read it.

The sound in Minecraft is most definitely a mixed bag, and although I don't agree with certain aspects of it, I understand what the design is trying to accomplish. For approximately 85% of the time, the significant sound effects in Minecraft consist of your footfalls as you walk somewhere and of the muted thump-thump-thump noise as you break blocks. Although in these cases the sound guy seems to be on vacation, you are simply being conditioned for what lies ahead. See, at it's heart, especially in single player "Survival" mode, you are alone on an infinite world, left with only what you build, the animals nearby, and any monsters you will invariably encounter. Sparse sound design only serves to accentuate that solitude. It also sets a precedent whereby anything that occurs outside the norm will be that much more striking and engaging. These striking, engaging moments can either be a enigmatic, quiet and beautiful score by the game's musician C418, or it can be a jarring, frightening shock when a monster comes up behind you and hungrily samples your sweet, vulnerable brain as you mine deep underground. Trust me when I say hearing a zombie groan in a dark hallway deep in the belly of the earth will make your butthole pucker tighter than a 90-year-old nun in a lemonade rainstorm. Lest you think you're safe from these nasty shocks by setting the game in peaceful mode, ambient noises will still drift along, many times making your heart skip a beat or two. One night I was happily mining around level 7 when out of nowhere huge rumbling noises began lighting up my sense of self-preservation. I knew I wouldn't run into any monsters--the game was set to peaceful, the cavern I was mining out was extremely well lit--but the noise was so unsettling, and I was so deep underground, that I actually panicked and ran back up my mineshaft back into the daylight.

Well played Mojang, well played.

Story
Yet another game with no story. I really need to review a couple good RPGs or something.

In this space I could do what I usually do, and make up some crazy story on the spot about how you've just woken up in a strange land where the only other humanoid inhabitants happen to be the undead. Logically assuming you are the only survivor of a zombie apocalypse...in the wilderness...except on multiplayer...you set about fortifying your position and crafting tools, weapons, and traps to help you survive the undead onslaught. Along the way, you'll mine up precious stones and metals, and build unthinkable monuments both as a show of your indomitable human spirit, and to prove that despite a zombie incursion, you can still horde massive amounts of bling. I could make up a story like that, and it would be an awesome interpretation of an open-ended scenario, and many people who read it might end up imagining my awesome scenario as they play, and one of those people could conceivably be Markus Persson, and he would be so impressed with it that he might include it in a future update to the game and I could be given credit for it in the game which might be the most awesome thing ever to happen to anyone in the history of the world. That could happen, but I'm sure a bunch of Minecraft purists would complain, mention that they were so old-school they had been playing it since before it was called "Cave Game", and call me out as a noob because I only got in after it went beta, and I don't need that kind of drama.

As an aside, I would posit the argument that given the type of game Minecraft is, it really doesn't need a classic "beginning-middle-end" story in order to justify its existence and is doing just fine as a property guided by the expectations of the player. As of this writing, over 3.2 million copies of the game sold seem to bear that sentiment out. If that seems like a small number, remember, 3.2 million people (including yours truly) bought and paid for a game that is essentially unfinished.

Beer
To the uninitiated, Ziegenbock might look like a craft brew or possibly some slick local offering from a Texas-based microbrewery. Unfortunately, if you are the type who is prone to reading the fine print, or you have a proclivity to Google everything you've ever touched, you will come to discover that Ziegenbock is actually brewed by Anheuser-Busch specifically for the Texas market, and specifically to compete with a real Texas-based brewing company known as the K. Spoetzl Brewery, located in Shiner, TX. If the name Shiner rings a bell, it should, since this company is most well known for their Shiner Bock, an award-winning beer that many beer lovers have a deep affection for. Unfortunately, we aren't here to review Shiner...yet. We are taking its deceitful corporate rival to task. Just for the record, Ziegenbock already lost this review simply due to the fact that it's a wolf in sheep's clothing, but in the interest of thoroughness, we'll continue.

Smell
Malt. Hops. Grain. Lies. Yup, this beer has it all, a strong, characteristic odor with layered notes and a not entirely unpleasant undercurrent of fermentation. In fact, left to stand on its own merits, this beer has a pretty attractive smell, one that is probably magnified in intensity and complexity when consumed with good food. I'm sure BBQ would pair with this offering from an underhanded, soulless corporation quite famously. Of course, one can only imagine that this beer was likely formulated in a cold, sterile laboratory for just such a purpose. It was probably formulated by robots, or scientists who were forced at gunpoint to talk like robots. They probably made a robot taste-test this, and not an awesome smarmy robot like Bender from Futurama, but a cold calculating robot, like the T-1000.

Taste
Since I have proven above that this beer was made specifically to enslave mankind, I'll touch briefly on the taste, ignoring for a moment or two that I'm actually drinking corporate contempt in a bottle. The taste is clean, with a muted bitterness that fades quickly and blooms into crisp maltiness. If I really pay attention, I can detect a faint twist of greed and grassy notes dancing lightly over my palate. No one sensation lingers for too long or mingles unexpectedly with anything else. This is very middle of the road beer. Not too daring, not too safe, but overwhelmed with treachery.

Intoxication
Being that this beer has a pretty low alcohol content, it's pretty hard to get wasted on this. At 4% abv, this beer is more suited to church picnics than a night watching the Superbowl. What intoxication there is comes on predictably and with an easy countenance. Of course, while I have no prior experience with this, I imagine it would be pretty difficult to get blasted off of nothing more than pure, distilled avarice. If you're thinking about bar-hopping with friends, and you don't mind filling your body and mind with the essence of capitalist foul-play, this particular brew may be right up your alley.

Feel
The carbonation is right in the sweet spot here, not being too fizzy, while at the same time, deftly avoiding being too flat. The taste and sensation is refreshing and it goes down easy and leaves the drinker wanting more. The only drawback I could come up with was the fact that as I held a mouthful of beer, the bubbles in my mouth seemed to be whispering something directly to my inner ear, and when I concentrated and listened, I suddenly heard, very clearly, the words "sssscrrreewwww ssssmmaaalllll-tooooowwwnn Aaaammeeeeerriiiicaaaaa...."

Okay, maybe not, and I admit that I've really been ragging on Anheuser-Busch this entire review, but I'll just spell it out. Anheuser-Busch, the number one largest beer maker in America has created and marketed a beer in direct competition with a much smaller craft brewery. Now, there's nothing wrong with a little competition, but the way this Ziegenbock is displayed, and the fact that it is only marketed in Texas, makes a simple "corporate specialty brew" seem like it's doing everything it can to elbow a widely loved craft brewery out of their own market, the one they helped create. I know, Spoetzl Breweries aren't exactly a 2-man operation either, but their beers are genuine, loved, and their entire line has something worthwhile, and I seriously doubt they're coming up with a beer called Budweizen just to compete with another company on their own turf. So knock that shit off Anheuser-Busch.

The Matchup
Minecraft proves that anyone, with a good enough idea and effort, can create something amazing that millions of people will love. It also shows that it takes a special someone to become worth millions almost overnight and still remain humble, focused, and personable. Minecraft is the type of game that comes along and redefines a generation of gaming, and despite certain shortcomings (which is par for the course when any property is an innovator) is loved and venerated by millions of people from all walks of life. On the other hand, Ziegenbock is a great example of what NOT to do when you are the biggest dog in town. At least not if you want to maintain a good reputation. I'm of the opinion that the only reason this brand has not yet gone down in flames is because too few who buy it actually realize why it was made in the first place, or who made it. Still, at the end of the day, despite my own misgivings, I must concede that the beer itself isn't bad. It will just never see the numbers or the loyalty that a genuine product such as Minecraft (or Shiner) rightfully deserves.

Cheers/Game on.

Combatribes/Four Loko

2011-08-11T00:40:00.000-05:00

Game: Combatribes, Technos, 1990, Arcade
Beer: Four Loko, 23.5 fl. oz., 12% abv
# of beers consumed during play: 1
Level Reached: The end credits...
Level of Intoxication: Three Sheets to the Wind

Game
For those of you who are idly wondering what kind of game Combatribes is, allow me to offer a simple video game-based comparison: Combatribes is like Double Dragon's younger brother who listens to death metal. While Double Dragon sits around listening to Journey and air-guitars in his socks in front of the bathroom mirror, Combatribes goes and hangs out with his friends after curfew and smokes cigarettes...while air-guitaring in front of chicks. Where Double Dragon lays claim to helping to shape the brawler genre, but has a few minor stumbling blocks due to being an innovator; Combatribes is intended more as a refinement and while bringing comparatively nothing new to the table, manages to be smoother and more involved.

Gameplay
As mentioned above, Combatribes takes the Double Dragon formula and attempts to improve in the areas Double Dragon fell short. For anyone who never played Double Dragon, and to stealthily move away from wanton Double Dragon comparisons, the game featured two fighters who punched, kicked and elbowed their way through cadres of unusual (and at times cheap) enemies in an effort to best the final boss. Pretty standard fare by today's expectations, but groundbreaking at the time. Combatribes takes a similar approach, but the punches, kicks, and elbows are supplemented with even more punishing moves, all of which are the kind that you secretly wish you could perform on that guy in the next cubicle who always laughs like a horse while watching YouTube videos on company time. Your offensive arsenal includes the standard punch and kick combos, but also includes hair-grabs, knees, throws (into other baddies), bashing the skull of an unfortunate enemy into the concrete, kicking guys while they're down, throwing motorcycles and other debris at people you dislike, and in an unprecedented display of multitasking, bashing the skulls of two enemies together. In an effort to ensure you use all of those fancy moves, the game helpfully throws as many bad guys at you as it possibly can at one time, routinely resulting in a screen that has more wildly flailing arms and legs than an X-Games highlight reel. All of these bad guys are dead set on chipping away at your health, and in classic Beat-em-up fashion, will do so despite your best efforts because at the end of the day, the game maker wants all your quarters. All I'll say on that regard is the punk-rocker with the hammer, and the Indian dude with tomahawks, and the biker with a caber and a beer gut...and the bionic machine-gun arm guy...and the fire spitting circus dude...and just about everyone else that isn't controlled by you.

For those who persevere however (or have an unlimited supply of quarters), the game is host to some outstanding gameplay moments sprawled through some truly original and memorable levels and characters. Throwing one bad guy into a crowd of others and watching them all dogpile is cool, but the real greatness comes when you walk over to all of them and start bashing heads, kicking bodies, and causing general havoc. The ability to approach any situation in a variety of ways helps to immerse the player and opens up possibilities for events that can be awesome and downright hilarious. The elation I feel when I'm smashing a fat clown's head into the pavement is difficult to quantify, but rest assured, it is bountiful.

Most levels are separated into two areas, and in each you'll fight a number of carbon-copy thugs until the boss shows up with an entourage of hate in tow. Dealing with any number of opponents at once is tough enough, but add to that a boss character who's tactics are cheaper than a two dollar prom dress and you have an instant go-to reference for why they really don't make very many Beat-em-ups any more. The boss fights are long, arduous grinds full of aggression and piggish maneuvering in an attempt to get some damage in without being turned to mush by a litany of unanswerable hits. Any player who is either stubborn or rich enough to arrive at the last level will most likely throw their hands up in disgust when they realize that Combatribes also falls into one of the other less-loved conceits of the old brawler genre, that of a level filled in entirety with recycled bosses. If you want to beat Combatribes and do not have a method of garnering free play, you either need to have a Neo-level understanding of the Matrix, or be Richie Rich because unlike Double Dragon, there is no "Magic Elbow". Remember, as much fun as Combatribes can be at times, it still hates you. Forewarned is forearmed.

Graphics/Sound
I really hate making the Double Dragon comparisons, but Combatribes is most definitely a spiritual sequel to the venerable pioneer, and as such will inevitably draw a number of parallels. The graphics will most definitely recall the house that Billy and Jimmy Lee built, albeit with a marked upgrade in detail and animation, not to mention eliminating the much chagrined slowdown that plagued the original. Levels are, as mentioned above, highly varied and rife with color and verve. From the detailed storefronts in the first level to the manic lights and movement in the club level, all the way to the posh interiors of the highrise level, each stage is set and detailed in a way that draws the player in. The characters themselves are also quite detailed, featuring generous amounts of animation, including custom frames for different actions and circumstances. The way the enemy's arms hang limply when you grab two of them and force them to kiss each other at 200 Mph adds that perfect touch and shows that in the right hands, a great deal can be conveyed through the power of the pixel.
The sound is also riddled with reruns from the older Taito/Technos standby, knife sounds are nearly pitch perfect carryovers from Double Dragon, as are certain sounds of faces being pounded. Unfortunately, the funny, weird croaky sound of a baddie dying was not carried over from DD to Combatribes, which would have made the game about 1000% more entertaining. The music in the game was adequate, nothing really stood out or stuck in my mind, and it wasn't like I was headbanging or throwing up horns while I was playing. But I didn't hate anything that came out of the speakers so I guess--if nothing else--the composers of Combatribes have a distinct advantage over the guys that made the music for Lizzie McGuire: Homecoming Havoc. There's a complement in there somewhere.

Story
In Combatribes, you step into the shoes of one of three muscle-bound brawlers whose names all start with the letter "B" and who all wear brightly colored, head-to-toe coordinated jumpsuits. Sorta like Charlie's Angels but with less makeup and more ass-kicking. As with many arcade games of its era, a story per se wasn't exactly high on the list of requirements during the developmental process and as such they typically let the cousin of one of the developers write a quick synopsis to get the game going. The big burly brawling guys--who are most certainly not sissy, wimpy, chicks controlled by a speakerphone, but who still manage to look fabulous in yellow, blue, and red, respectively--are set upon a mission to battle a shadowy syndicate in control of all the local gangs. In their travels they happen to meet an unlikely yet colorful cast of characters who, because of the magical limitations of arcade ROM sizes divulge no information whatsoever. After whipping the asses of enough people to populate Boise, Idaho, our heroes arrive at the real root of the corruption, which I will reveal here because a) Combatribes is a 22 year old game and the statute of limitations for spoilers has long expired, b) because as previously mentioned the story is an afterthought and spoiling it is only doing you a favor, and c) the end-end boss is a cyborg chick in a miniskirt named Martha Splatterhead. The potential for cheap laughs over such a name far outweighs any potential benefit gained by holding back spoilers.

Splatterhead. Be both know what you're thinking.

Beer
I've been meaning to get Four Loko on this site for a while now, not just because it has what sounds like a foreign insult for a name, or because it has easily the most eyeball-melting art design on the face of the planet, but because it was censured by the FDA and the company that makes it was forced to reformulate it. While I may not have gotten one of the cans of what the internet has taken to calling "liquid cocaine", I think the experience I had with the drink is still comparable and at the very least I got to sample an alcoholic beverage that apparently has no quality checks beyond the question "is the new batch toxic enough?" After spending an evening with this particular brand of ferment, I can with full and complete confidence say that Four Loko is exactly what I would drink were I ever instructed at gunpoint to severely poison myself but not die.

Smell
Well, let's just get this out of the way, I'm not certain about the other flavors, but the Purple flavor smells exactly like grape soda. Only when I closed my eyes and really, really concentrated could I detect even the faintest hint of alcohol. When one considers what's going on here, it's actually quite alarming. A 12% alcohol-by-volume malt liquor lurking under a completely innocuous odor of sugar and artificial flavors. In nature, many animals use the sense of smell to detect dangerous substances, when something is either odorless (such as deadly antifreeze) or deceptively delicious smelling (such as your baby sister's cake made with super extra salt) one's first line of defense against ingesting bad things is defeated. In the case of Four Loko, the grape soda smell is not only seemingly harmless, but cautiously inviting. Add to that the fact that in appearance Four Loko is a deep uniform purple tint, and one begins to realize the sinister disguise this drink effortlessly assumes.

Taste
Again, need I mention that it seems as though Four Loko pulls out every possible stop to resemble grape soda? I'll skirt around the obvious racial joke and just say that someone was probably driving around one day in a car that may or may not have resembled a heavily modified '69 Impala, and lamented inwardly that while grape soda was the absolute shizzle, the one heavy shortcoming that prevented it from being essentially hookless was that it had no alcoholic content and thus could not on it's own bring about a feeling of crunkitude. "Oh my word, indeed," this imaginary person of unspecified skin tone would exclaim, "I do believe that the remedy to this particular quandary is quite obvious, and furthermore, it lies upon my conscience to bring this breakthrough to all of my fellow man who share my vexation. Verily!"

Lest you ask, yes. I absolutely believe in my heart those are exactly the words that were uttered. Moving on.

Aside from the grape soda thing, the big blast is the alcohol, which is completely unmaskable, even under the desperate and severe layers of sugar and artificial flavors. After enough mouthfulls of this, the taste begins to flatten out, and by the time one reaches the bottom of the 23.5 ounce can, their tongue is pickled and the only sensation is that of sugars broken down through the fermentation process. Even the artificial flavors give way to the overpowering taste of fusel alcohol.

Intoxication
Thanks to the near-deadly alcohol content, this beverage intoxicates fast and lays the whirlies on heavy. For those individuals who feel like every minute of a Saturday night spent sober is another minute wasted, Four Loko is here to help. Before half the drink is down, one can count on a distinct decline in equilibrium, accompanied by an equal loss of mental faculty. When I say this drink kills brain cells, I'm not just overstating the obvious. Four Loko is Bruce Willis in Die Hard, and your brain cells are the German terrorists. Standing up presents new challenges, as does walking, discerning between proper restrooms and random shrubbery, and convincing the officer at the checkpoint that being the least drunk out of the group is just like being sober. (Don't drink and drive kids, it's as cool as plaid socks, mullets, and starring on Jersey Shore.)

Feel
Like ulcers? If so then Four Loko is the brew for you! The slight carbonation will allow you to down this as fast as you please and before you know it, your stomach will feel like an IED. In addition, all the sugars and artificial flavors will give you a sugar high before they put you in a frame of mind I like to refer to as "tired." If you have never experienced a proper sugar crash, Four Loko will show you what you've been missing and then some. The enhanced crash brought upon by the depressant qualities of the alcohol will basically make you want to do a flying face-dive into a pillow. Of course, thanks to the high alcohol content and your resultant lack of motor skills, you'll likely miss. Please record it and post on the internet for the entertainment of the rest of us. Thanks.

The Matchup
Every review I do is a learning experience, and this one is no different. In this case, I learned why the Brawler genre slowly died off in the early 2000's despite more reasons to survive than not and why when the government feels the need to step in and regulate alcohol manufacturers, the best place to turn is Craigslist. I also learned that when one game in a genre is popular and another isn't, there's a pretty good reason for that. Finally, I have learned that if alcohol appears to be marketed to minors, it probably tastes terrible.

Cheers/Game on.

The Impossible Game/Red Stripe Light

2011-06-03T20:34:00.000-05:00

Game: The Impossible Game, FlukeDude, 2010, iPhone
Beer: Red Stripe Light, 11.2 fl. oz., 3.6% abv
# of beers consumed during play: 3
Level Reached: Haha, level...right.
Level of Intoxication: Woozy

Game
Impossible. As a singular term, even without all-important context, the word "impossible" is imposing. It is a word which suggests the subject in question is not only difficult, but wholly insurmountable. Many gamers have, in the throes of frustration, declared one game or another as impossible, even when it isn't. Many of these outcries were at the helm of games from the highly venerated 8-bit era, when games were true tests of fortitude and endurance, yet still not quite impossible. Fitting then, that a game which is actually titled "The Impossible Game" would so unapologetically recall those bygone days of gaming yore. Oh, and just for the record, The Impossible Game isn't really impossible, it's just really, really, really hard.

Gameplay
The Impossible Game, created by independent (or "indie" if you insist on sounding cool) developer FlukeDude, is an old-school platform game which originally saw release on Xbox Live and which was recently ported to the iPhone. The Impossible game (from here on out referred to as TIG) is deceptively simple; all you do is make a little orange box jump over stuff. The first few jumps are the "tutorial" after which shit becomes real with a heretofore unprecedented level of expedience. In the main game there is only one level, others can be either be purchased or unlocked through play. While one level sounds paltry, even by mobile standards, let me assure you that in the case of TIG, one level is plenty. During gameplay, the player controls a small orange box which is always moving along at what can only be described as Ludicrous Speed. Obstacles present themselves in a few simple forms: black boxes which kill when collided with, black ground which will kill when landed upon, and black spikes which kill when collided with or landed upon. The fact that all the elements in this game that kill you are black is either a meaningless coincidence tying into the art direction of the game, or seething social commentary from a game designer who unwittingly found himself walking through the wrong neighborhood at dusk and translated his experiences into a game that's harder than a jigsaw puzzle in an amputation ward. Since Wikipedia is unable to offer any insight, and because my life is boring, I'm going to assume the latter for fun.

When I say this game is hard, I'm not just being a pansy. This game was designed to do one thing, cause players to explore the limits of survivable frustration while simultaneously creating and adding completely new foul words to their particular national language. Judging by how many perfect playthroughs there are on Youtube, I'm confident that someone out there spontaneously coined the filthy term "scumpmuffin" at some apex of personal distress. This in itself is a noble thing in my opinion, if nothing else, this game can lay claim to being at the absolute forefront of the Shakespearean curve. Of course, I'm confident even The Bard himself would have thrown his iPhone against the wall after his 874th attempt to jump over those goddamn triple spikes. Also, I'm taking suggestions as to what people think scumpmuffin actually means, because I'm sure whatever the internet people come up with, it's gotta be funny.

If it could not have been inferred by now, the crux of the game relies on memorization and insane amounts of repetition to succeed. The level never changes, the pace never changes, the music never changes, and when you die, you go all the way back to the beginning of the level, where you are tasked with doing everything over again. This works as both a punishment and a reinforcement as the player, having gotten further along than ever before, will (literally) run into something new and unexpected, scream curses to the gods, and immediately attempt the level again. The weirdest thing is that through some miracle, this style of gameplay can not only be fun, but routinely gives way to triumphant glee. The feeling of elation that comes with finally surmounting a spike or jump that has been dogging you for the past 3000 attempts is so cathartic and encompassing, it feels like a drug and you will subsequently ride that high for the .03 seconds it takes for you to die at the next unexpected challenge and be dumped back at the beginning of the level, crushed and demoralized.

On the other hand, if you are the type of person who must graduate through progressive levels of testicular fortitude, the game offers a practice mode which allows you to place flags at any point in the level. These flags act as an instant spawn point, meaning that upon death, instead of being whisked away to the very start of the level, you are instead thrown back to the flag. This makes learning the level much easier, but also signals to every one of your gamer friends that you're the kid who buys a new game, takes it home and before ever playing it for the first time, goes into the options and turns the difficulty down to easiest. You know who you are.

Graphics/Sound
The graphics in TIG are very simple. Featuring only a handful of colors, a striking art style, and clean, well defined lines, this is one of the few games that truly embraces the "graphics over gameplay" argument. The box you control is quite orange, and the obstacles in the level are all black. The level itself has a cool blue/turquoise gradient, making both your bright orange square and the black obstacles clearly stand out. Because of the pace and style of gameplay, this convention in art direction is not only smart, but crucial. If the game field was cluttered up with meaningless graphics, effects and other nonsense, the game would be much harder to decipher and more unfair (and not-cool) deaths would result. As with Tetris, the graphics serve only to convey the gameplay, and instead of getting in the way of the interaction, actually facilitate it, enriching the game as a whole and lending some much-needed credence to the notion that while ten bazillion polygons with pixel shaders looks pretty, it does not guarantee a good game.

The sound is similarly minimalist, there are only two real sound effects in the game, and to be perfectly honest, you will really only concern yourself with one of them. That of course is the sound of your fragile orange box exploding. Over and over. That single sound will become etched into your brain, it will consume you, and after enough deaths, will eventually become the sound of comfort. It will be familiar, every nuance of its frequency and modulation will become known to you, and when you miss a jump or fall onto a bed of waiting spikes, a gentle smile will crease the edges of your mouth, for you will soon be reunited with your old friend, StupidOrangeBoxDeathExplosionHaha.wav, and as the music abruptly stops and your cube disintegrates in a shower of radial sparks, you will knowingly reflect upon the transitory nature of life. Or you'll rage and throw your iPhone over the nearest building. Either one is a perfectly acceptable response.

Also very worthy of mention is the music that goes along with each level. The main level is guided by a song called Fire Aura, which was composed by a talented chap known as Kid2Will. The song itself is more than a little infectious if your musical proclivities happen to include Electronica, with a good driving beat layered with rising anthems and a very sharp main hook. Long after you've put the game down (with varying levels of force depending on how frustrated you are), you will find the song looping in your head, partly because it is so distinct and well-composed, and partly because you've heard it a thousand or more times and it has successfully drilled down to your brain stem and started pumping for oil.

Story
The problem I'm having with reviewing iPhone games is that very few of these things have any story or plot that is even worth mentioning. As is the case then with TIG, there is no story whatsoever...nothing. You can't even really make one up that sounds cool, although because this section can always use some padding, I'll do my best.

The Orange Square has to go rescue his girlfriend, famed polyologist Purple Circle from the Green Octagon Gang, who have placed a host of obstacles in the Orange Square's way to slow his progress as they get Purple Circle to tell them everything she knows about the dreaded Tomb of the PolyGods, final resting place of the legendary Megagon, the million-sided polygon who was rumored to have bent all of geometry to his will, and whose dusty remains are said to safeguard the fabled ring of Torus, the unlocker of the Third Dimension.

Okay, so that's pretty damn cool...FlukeDude, if you're reading this, I'm totally available if you want to collaborate on a sequel.

Beer
Red Stripe Light is a Jamaican beer. I'm sure there's a joke in there somewhere, so I'll just throw a bunch of words out there and see what sticks; Cool Runnings, lazy, dreadlocks, Bob Marley, marijuana, feelin' irie, British colonization, and/or backup vocalists in popular R&B songs of the late 90's.

Okay, perhaps that was needlessly cruel on my part, but this will more than make up for it. Red Stripe's advertising campaign is so ingenious, so simple, and yet so over the top, this beer almost wins by default. Their slogan is simply "Hooray Beer!" and really, as far as beer slogans go is just about the best advertising slogan ever devised. Ever. In my opinion it is the equivalent of the first cavemen ever to discover fire standing up, pointing at the flames and saying "Hooray Survival!" The slogan itself is perfectly distilled to the simplest possible terms, it is literally exactly what I think every time I open a fresh beer. Couple that with an unabashed Jamaican stereotypical spokesman juxtaposed against the whitest whiteys middle-America could cough up, and you have a series of 30-second spots that have more intrinsic entertainment value than most half-hour-long sitcoms and makes what is a typical beer stand way out of the pack. No small feat.

Smell
The initial odor is very spartan, not unlike any other light beer that may have been inhabiting the cooler alongside Red Stripe. Under the extremely average surface however, there's just the teeniest twang of roasted...something. Seeing as how this beer is Jamaican and proud of it, I have a few theories as to what that Roasted Something might be, and really, none of those theories are anything I want to drink. Further under the hint of undefinable roastiness is a sweetness I had to press the bottle up against my nose to detect. This might sound needlessly pedestrian (and a little disturbing) but after my initial sip I was vindicated in my perseverance.

Taste
Bam! Sweetness. Not the kind of earbending sweetness that one would routinely associate with a bottle of flat Smirnoff Ice or of a Shirley Temple marathon played all weekend at Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, but the kind of sweetness that is a common thread with many lower tier lagers. It is that sweetness that screams "we threw a bunch of malt in here, not for the sake of taste, but because malt is cheap, we needed something to pad out the brew, and we were all out of dreadlocks and rat poison." Yes, these are the exact kind of thoughts I get when I drink a new beer. That's why I usually drink at home, so I don't inadvertently make an ill-advised comment in the wrong bar, and also because I have an unusual (and slightly self-endangering) habit of ordering Irish beers in Scottish restaurants. Don't ask. Aside from the sweetness, the roastiness reemerges as a taste, and actually isn't as bad as I would have anticipated. The whole experience is tied together with that all-too-familiar grainy, hoppy lager taste, and actually, when one considers that this is one of the few commercial exports from Jamaica that you can't smoke, isn't half bad.

Intoxication
The intoxication is a strange one. There is very little physical intoxication, particularly in the first three or so beers, but at the bottom of the very first bottle one is beset with a mental state that can only be described as addled. In playing what is admittedly a very difficult game, I notice my coordination and concentration is instantly reduced. I'm dying in ridiculously early portions of the game, and what's more, I'm laughing about it. I'm not laughing because I'm genuinely entertained by watching my little orange box explode, rather the laughter is an effect of the alcohol. It stems from a bitter realization that life is tragically short and--much in the same way one laughs at a truly terrible movie when forced to sit through it--through whatever path brought you to this point, your current actions only serve to make it shorter. Also, and perhaps because of the previous point, I find my attention divided. One moment I'm working on trying to get my orange box over a set of three spikes and the next--oh cool, Fringe is on!

I blame the beer.

Feel
Red Stripe Light is somewhat intriguing in the fact that while it has a fairly high bubble content, once nestled within the body proper, it takes on a leaden quality, one that makes me really not want to do anything but sit on the couch. I'm not exactly riddled with the desire to swallow fishing weights, and when an FDA-approved substance makes me think that I've just flown mouth-first into someone's tackle box, I usually decide not to venture that way again. What really unnerves me about RSL is that despite being a sharply middling brew, and one that I take less and less pleasure in trying each time, I've actually bought and consumed more sixers of this than all but my most favoritest of brands.

Yes, I said "most favoritest." Piss off.

The point I'm trying to make is that for reasons I'm not able to explain, this stuff sneaks its way into my kitchen. Interpret that as you like.

The Matchup
So here it is, the wrap up, and what can I say about this little venture? The game is one of those rare few that can actually cop to the "graphics over gameplay" moniker, that all the energies of the game are dedicated to providing a sharp gameplay hook that sinks deep into the player's brain and refuses to let go. This fact in and of itself pretty much means the game is going to have enough substance to elicit a thumbs-up from me. The beer in this case is another of those that is really not bad, but isn't nearly super awesome either, and so if you want to drink a middling beer in a "short ugly bottle" you can stop searching. If that was ever a specific goal for you, then I need you to email me and tell me about your taste in the opposite sex, because I get the feeling it'll be hilarious. Anyway, at the end of the day, the game is great bordering on classic, and the beer is...well, it might be the closest anyone ever gets to a Jamaican, and for that I feel a furtive thumbs up is in order.

Cheers/Game on.

Godfinger/Rolling Rock Extra Pale

2010-08-17T12:50:00.000-05:00

Game: Godfinger, ngmoco:), 2010, iPhone

Beer: Rolling Rock Extra Pale, 12 fl. oz., 4.6% abv
# of beers consumed during play: 1
Level Reached: 30-something
Level of Intoxication: Buzzed

Game
Godfinger, a game whereby the player assumes the role of omnipotent creator, is one of those "casual heroin" games. For those people within the civilized populace who are predisposed of addictive behavior, but are reluctant to actually find a dealer and purchase schedule I controlled substances, this product will suffice nicely. This game also falls squarely in the realm of "pretending to go to the bathroom at work just so you can sit on the toilet and catch up on your gold collecting" games, of which there are way more than the average person is even aware of. Ironic then that smartphones, which were originally developed to increase the productivity of your average worker drone, are actually causing said drone to fall into a holding pattern of un-productivity. Videogames: bane of capitalist nations everywhere.

Gameplay
The premise of Godfinger is simple: open the game, play for about 15 minutes doing repetitive yet strangely alluring tasks, then log out. Once logged out, dwell listlessly on the prospect of logging in again and curse the Earth for turning on its axis so painfully slowly. If you've read this far and surmised that Godfinger is one of those timer-based games, you have surmised correctly. Go ahead and get yourself a cookie out of the jar. If you don't have cookies, then go fetch yourself whatever it is that passes for a treat in your bleak little world and come back, the rest of us are waiting on you.

Godfinger--as the name may imply--puts you in the shoes of a god who controls and rules a little 2D world with his or her finger. With your fleshy wand of ultimate power, you will summon rain, lightning bolts, floods, firestorms, and terraform the land and move buildings. None of this compares though to the vastly underrated power to pick up your followers by their feet and fling them maliciously off the screen. Oh sure, you can zap them with lightning or roast them in a firestorm, but the primal glee that accompanies the act of flicking them across the planet is only rivaled by the fact that the game actually measures said throw and rewards you for it. Seriously. The developers of this game know exactly the kind of assholes people are and have included a game mechanic to tap into that. Point in fact, the game designers included virtually every device possible for griefing the minions featured within the game, making this less of a world building simulator and more of a fancy, high-tech way of projecting your intense hatred of your co-workers into a safe and consequence-free environment. Of course, if you are the kind of person who is a slave to actually playing a game in parallel with its intended objectives, Godfinger is pretty fun for you too.

While there is no ultimate goal or end to the game, Godfinger strings you along by assigning tasks which yield breadcrumb-like rewards for successful completion. Such tasks include using a specific power on a specific object, making your minions do certain things, building a required number of buildings or decorations, et cetera. In most cases, attaining any given goal is accomplished by the core gameplay conventions, which are as follows, in rough order of importance and/or repetitiousness: buy farms, make followers farm for gold, collect gold, find exhausted followers and punish them for being exhausted by flinging them around and/or striking them with lightning and/or dropping them in the lake before finally dropping them off at a tavern or water fountain to refresh themselves. There, that's it, I just described the entire game in minute detail. And of course, therein lies one of the biggest problems with the game itself: after a while, logging in, doing those tasks, and logging out seems like more of a chore than fun, particularly after you've exhausted your vocabulary of hate on all your followers and have discovered that if you don't log in often enough, the gold your minions farm up for you actually turns bad after a set amount of time.That's right, in a devious twist of gameplay design, if you don't play the game at set intervals, you the player are punished by having your gold rust and become worthless. So if you don't want your time waster to be a waste of time, you have to make sure to waste time at the right times. Which wouldn't be so bad if the game wasn't so goddamn crash prone.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that...

As far as the game goes, it's a fun if slightly repetitive time waster, which is perfectly fitting for the iPhone. Unfortunately, people who have a device such as the iPhone want their apps to be, like, stable...which is apparently a new concept over at the ngmoco:) codehouse. Godfinger has something like 10,000 reviews, which are fairly evenly split between 5-star glowing reviews by those who are just starting out and are gripped by the clutches of follower-flinging oblivion, and the 1-star scathing diatribes who have gotten tired of an app that crashes, lags, hangs, glitches, and causes the entire device it is installed on to exhibit unusual behavior. Lest you, the reader, think I am criticizing Godfinger by others' reviews, allow me to give you a window into my own personal experience. Once I got above level 30, I noticed times when the app would lag very badly, to the point where the sound would stutter, the framerate would drop to almost zero, and the controls would be entirely unresponsive. An app restart would typically clear this up, though I would lose whatever progress I'd been working on. Later, the app started exhibiting even more uncouth behavior, whereupon the whole thing would dead-hang at the splash screen, and later, ingame. Most of this behavior was attributed to the 2.2 update, and after the game crashed to the home screen several times in one day, also mysteriously screwing up my baseband until I rebooted (the part of the iPhone that allows me to make and receive phone calls, y'know, no biggie), I stopped playing the game. Once an update was released which promised bug and performance fixes, I downloaded it, installed it, and encountered many of the same problems as before. The lagging was back as was a strange crash behavior that would force my email client to refresh and as I was already at a sufficiently high level in the game where nothing interesting or new was happening, I uninstalled Godfinger and haven't looked back. More's the pity since the game mechanics and polished graphics had so much potential, especially if new content, goals and powers were forthcoming. But, like I said in my own 1-star review of Godfinger in the app store, the last thing I need on my $600 phone is software that doesn't work, no matter how pretty it is.

Graphics/Sound
The visuals in Godfinger are superb, particularly on the iPhone 4. All the graphic assets in Godfinger are hi-res, and they positively shine. Details such as the individual blades of grass swaying in the breeze, the leaves in trees and the accents in the followers' clothing are all amazingly rich and lovingly crafted. Lively touches such as butterflies flitting from flower to flower and the way the clouds billow realistically add a level of polish and verve to the game not often (if ever) found on mobile platforms. Similarly, the myriad special effects on offer, from the awesome way water flows and undulates, to the particle effects from lightning and fire strikes, all the way down to the appearance of the sun's rays and the burst effect when activating a god power are stunning in their smooth animation and incredible presentation. On a similar note, the characters themselves are all unforgivably cute in a creepy, xenophobic "I'm really glad there is no real life counterpart to you" way. The way their mouths look remind me vaguely of Wallace and Gromit, which is by no means bad, and their animations (especially when in dire, life threatening distress) elicit more smiles out of me than plugging the search term "idiot kid" into YouTube. The game's UI is simple, well thought out and intuitive, and is--as user interfaces should be--largely invisible to the game experience as a whole. Visually, the game is so accomplished I'm almost tempted to give it a pass on graphical merit alone...Almost. I'm not even kidding when I say that Godfinger has some of the best 2D graphics I've ever seen. Whoever the art director is on this game should get a raise, a promotion, and if possible, a Maserati made out of chocolate and a huge freezer-garage to keep it in.

If the eyeball-candy in Godfinger is the cream, then the sound must surely be the sugar. Few games really strike me with their sound production. Most times when critiquing the music and sound effects in any given game, words such as "adequate" "unobtrusive" "easy to ignore" and "donkey" come to mind (Okay not the last one really, I just threw that one in to see if you were paying attention). Godfinger is different though. While the music is entirely non-existent, liberal use of sound is used to fill the aural gaps. From wind blowing over dusty terrain to crickets chirping in the verdant grass, the planet you rule actually has a feeling of environment, something many of the most expensive big budget titles seem to miss almost constantly. In addition to the excellent ambient noises--indeed, as an exclamation point to them--are the sounds of your god powers. When you create mountains out of molehills and wide stretching plains out of useless mountains, the sound of tumbling earth comes rumbling forth. When you summon lightning from the heavens, the resultant crack is zappyrific, and when said lightning bolt hits the innocent follower who was just standing there minding his own business, the high-pitched scream he makes is stupefyingly hilarious. In fact, the sounds of the followers are so well done, and carry with them so much character, that single facet alone breathes enough life into the game to make it worth playing, that is until the wanton crashing gets out of hand.

Story
This is one of those games that don't have so much a story as a premise, which seems to be popular among the games which inhabit Mobile Deviceland. One supposes that when games are played in bite sized 5-10 minute chunks, wading through cutscenes tends to dilute the experience. While Godfinger hasn't even the barest sliver of writ story, it can be argued that the player is creating their own narrative through their playstyle. Whether that narrative is one of happiness and prosperity or suffering and humiliation depends on the person playing.

Beer
Rolling Rock is one of those beers that is so ubiquitous as to be practically invisible. Its availability is widespread, yet its appearance so pedestrian, and its placement in most retail beer coolers so inconspicuous, that most pairs of eyes sweep right past it in search of the more well known brews. I am convinced this is actually intentional on the part of the distributors of Rolling Rock, since they've had more than ample opportunity to change the packaging on their product to something more eye-catching.

Smell
As can be expected out of an extra pale, there's quite a bit of grain in the odor. This isn't bad really, just pedestrian, and in fact, gives the beer a pretty good foundation. The teeny-weeny hints of bitterness and the slightest blast of baby skunk ass give this beer some character, even if there isn't enough to really set it apart from other pale lagers.

Taste
While the smell may be totally unremarkable, the taste seems to hit a sweet spot as it were. As one drinks, they are hit with the feeling they've drunk this particular drink before, but not in any "been there done that" sense. No, instead, as the clean bitter taste slides over the tongue, many drinkers may feel a distinct notion of nostalgia, of backyard bar-be-ques, of parties with good people and good music, and of saying the wrong thing to a wealthy relative while intoxicated and getting that sudden icy feeling of knowing your portion of the inheritance has quietly slipped away and been permanently divvied up among your other family members. One thing this brew is particularly suited for is lounging poolside and soaking up the sun's rays as your body soaks up the alcohol. Thanks to the clean taste and easy drinkability this is a fine summertime beer which also goes surprisingly well with the odd videogame.

Intoxication
The relatively low alcohol content in this beer means easy drinking with an even easier intoxication curve. It would take several beers before any real mental or bodily impairment would begin to take hold, and at no time would the drunk take a sinister or belligerent turn. One of the especially nice things is the fact that speech seems to work fairly unhindered, and with careful consumption, the drinker would be able to maintain an indefinite buzz with no debilitating side-effects such as the irrational urge to jump through that plate-glass window over there.

Feel
The feel incurred as one brings the bottle to their lips is fairly bubbly, but not overwhelming, being crisp and refreshing rather than feeling like a mouthful of Alka-Seltzer tablets. The fluid slides down to the stomach and finds a quiet corner where it won't bother anybody while it's being digested, leaving the drinker to feel quite good about him/herself and their choice in beer. Thankfully there's very little bloating, if any, and if a person is so inclined as to power through a six-pack, once done, they will likely feel good enough to engage in any number of summertime leisure activities.

The Matchup
In this case, the game and beer in question are fairly dissimilar. In Godfinger's instance, there is a great deal of polish to the property's outside qualities, and very little foundation given to the core, leaving a fantastically pretty game with very little long-term fun-factor. Rolling Rock on the other hand has very little bling-bling on the outside, but makes up for it with a perfectly fine core which, while inhabiting a solid middle ground in quality, is still a much better choice than a great many other properties on offer. Together the two products make for an entertaining afternoon, but while I would definitely go for some more Rolling Rock in the future, I have a feeling that now that I've put Godfinger down, I won't be picking it back up again. Such is life.

Cheers/Game on.

Batman: Arkham Asylum/Sapporo

2010-01-11T22:17:00.000-06:00

Game: Batman: Arkham Asylum, Eidos, 2009, PC
Beer: Sapporo, 22 fl. oz., ?% abv
# of beers consumed during play: 2
Level Reached: First major boss fight.
Level of Intoxication: Three Sheets to the Wind

Game
This game was highly anticipated by many, especially to fans of Batman, and with good reason. Being the best treatment of the Dark Knight (not the movie) in ages, this game set the bar for not only what a licensed property should be, but how a 3D platformer should be in general. Another thing about the game that fueled some fires was the fact that Kevin Conroy and Mark Hamill would be reprising their superlative voice roles from the Animated Series. Hell, even I went on about that part. That's how a deranged clown should sound. Heath Ledger, take note--oh...sorry, never mind.

Gameplay
Batman: AA is a beautifully balanced blend of stealth combat, brawler, and puzzle platformer, sealing itself with a challenging treasure hunt that is sure to keep completists happy for a while and helps to flesh out the story and earn goodies such as character bios and additional challenge maps. All this action takes place from an over-the-shoulder perspective, and leads the player through the entirety of Arkham island. Thugs and locked doors lurk around every turn, and it is a simple and deeply fulfilling pleasure to knock some baddies around. The combat is simple, with enough depth and variety to keep the many, many encounters from becoming rote or boring. When Bats isn't fighting face to face or navigating the environs, he is lurking atop gargoyles and creeping up on villains to complete visceral and punishing stealth takedowns. I can't properly explain the glee I experience when I drop upside down onto an unsuspecting foe, cover his face with my hands and hoist him back up. This sensation is nothing however as I quickly jump to a different gargoyle and throw a baterang at his rope. The litany of laughter that follows as said crook drops directly onto his head and ragdolls into a disheveled heap on the floor is therapeutic to my soul on an almost magical level. The fact that the game allows you to do this should speak to its ability to facilitate the player to engage in behavior that goes beyond the standard "kill baddie, move on" level of interactivity.
There is also a measurable progression of Batman and his abilities as you progress through the game, awarding new tools and tactics against the hordes of curiously well musculatured Blackgate inmates in the game. I wasn't aware they were serving creatine in maximum security prison. As you fight, you'll gain points to an experience bar, that when filled allow you to select abilities that make Batman even more fearsome such as increased control over your blast gel and remote control baterangs. Mr. Wayne also manages to forage up some pretty nice toys along the way such as zip lines and cryptographic sequencers which allow him to access previously seen areas. Such places typically yield one of the Riddler's presents, which come in the form of trophies, audio recordings, and visual puzzles. Some of these optional elements advance the game's story in subtle ways or tell backstory about events just prior to the game. These elements create a nice depth to the story, and flesh out Batman's universe as well.

But not all is well in paradise. There are some elements that tend to drag along, the worst of which is Batman's descent into Killer Croc's lair. The level was tense at first, I'll admit, and I did jump the first time Croc jumped out of the water, but soon after, particularly after finding out how much one specimen of flower goop filled the meter, my brow furrowed and I started to reminisce on the times in the game when I was turning skulls into lumpy sacks of bones. Also tiresome is the increased number of electronic panels one has to hack by wiggling a couple of sticks in later portions of the game, particularly when one is backtracking over old ground to get hidden trophies and whatnot. It begins to feel a little too compact and before long you're wondering what kind of areas weren't in the game. Also a convention that makes me begin to wonder: is the hospital the new must have level in a game? I mean, back when I was young, the themes on offer were all of the "fire, snow, water, underground" school of thinking. Nowadays it seems as if many themes have shifted to a "government base, hospital, run-down suburb, hostile alien planet" model. Not that I'm complaining.
Graphics/Sound
The graphics are superb, with amazingly detailed textures on character models and amazing effects applied to surfaces such as water, tile, blood and metallic surfaces. Also of note is the detective mode, which turns on a filter of sorts that gives you detailed information on the screen, allowing you to see targets through walls and secret areas you can't reach yet. The different parts of the island are colorful and easily identified, even if some hallways inside the facilities start to look very similar and somewhat bland.

The sound effects are all pure Batman, with even your menu options sounding like the squeak of a bat. Weapons all have nice convincing noises, and combat is particularly well done with some punchy and sharp sounds of arms bending the wrong way, faces imploding, and ribs shattering. As mentioned above, the voice acting is top notch, and even extends into audio diaries that sound out small situations that are well delivered. Rising above all this, the music strikes an epic note, setting a scene that is dark and tense, much like the best parts of The Dark Knight (yes, the movie).

Story
While many elements of Batman: AA are inspired by the movies and cartoons, the story is pure comic book, through and through. A number of the higher tiered thugs have only ever seen the comic book pages, such as the previously mentioned Killer Croc and many of the cameo appearances by characters such as Scarface and Firefly. The story has one or two minor twists and turns, and manages some awesome scenes that take place within Batman's psyche, including some eerie and awesome sequences that bring the game into a nice symbiosis with the other canon elements of the Batman franchise, particularly within the DC comics iterations. The game also promises a sequel, which is already in the works.

Beer
I thought this was supposed to be a recession, I mean, I go to the store and look for a sixpack of beer and everything I want to buy is $9 and $10 dollars, for drunkard's sakes, even the ultra domestic stuff such as Coors Light and Budweiser are like seven dollars. Well, seeing as I had ten bucks to get some beer and a gallon of milk, I went with a couple tall cans of Japanese Import Sapporo. The last time I tried this stuff, I was much younger, and I was on a try everything kick. I distinctly remember intensely disliking it back then, but for reasons I cannot remember, so I get to try this stuff again and see if time has either matured my palette, or if I was right the first time. Just as it did back then, Sapporo stands out with very distinctly shaped silver cans and very simple, bold artwork that sort of reminds me of some kind of artillery...I don't know why either. Perhaps it has to do with the fact the can was hard as hell to open, I mean, I'm a big guy, but this was bordering on comedy. I've opened my fair share of alcohol containers in a wide array of methods (not the least of which was, interestingly enough, a flaming piece of wood.), but this can was especially stubborn. As I struggled with the pulltab, I wondered if the cans in Japan were any easier to open, and I dwelled briefly on the possibility that this can was one of the very subtle ways the Japanese were exacting revenge on us for beating them in World War II. The can is also exceptionally heavy, I would feel confident using it as a blunt weapon. Interesting.

As I opened the can, I expected a rush of deja-vu, thinking the odor of the alcohol would trigger a deeply embedded memory. I took my first whiff, felt a rush of nothing, and noticed that the beer had a sharp note to it, but didn't overwhelm. It had just the teeniest notes of bitterness to it, and I was sufficiently not-repulsed to take a drink.

Sapporo has a distinct sharp bitterness to it that is much like a polite houseguest, leaving before it gets overwhelming and not making too much of a mess. There's grain in there, but there's also a long-refined character that is definitely not bad at all. The aftertaste doesn't last long, making this nice as a food beer, probably pairing well with chicken. The drinkability isn't bad at all, having a light feel with a nice zap from the carbonation. The drunk it gives is a comfortable wooziness that I imagine increases very fast in proportion to beers consumed. I couldn't find reliable info in regards to the Alcohol content, my usual sources didn't know, but this brew seems to occupy the mid to high four percent range.

All in all, not bad, and definitely not as bad as I remember it, but not quite in my top five.

The Matchup
Well, all in all I'm actually fairly happy with this combination, the beer wasn't horrible, and the game was quite good indeed. Both offered a surprising polish and quality, but while Sapporo is a hidden gem, Batman: AA is both great and popular. Both items together is definitely not half-bad, and worthy of a couple run throughs in tandem.

Cheers/Game on.

Tetris The Absolute: The Grandmaster 2/Pabst Blue Ribbon

2010-01-05T00:00:00.000-06:00

Game: Tetris The Absolute: The Grandmaster 2, Arika, 2000, Arcade
Beer: Pabst Blue Ribbon, 24 fl. oz., 4.74% abv
# of beers consumed during play: 1
Level Reached: Oh, about level 5 or 6...
Level of Intoxication: Buzzed

Game
Tetris...Everyone knows Tetris. Everyone. Since the day it was brought to life, Tetris has been played by virtually everyone with access to eyeballs and opposable thumbs. In fact, even that can be called into question with some efforts to develop a braille version of Tetris. Let's just see someone try to do that with Sonic the Hedgehog. Eventually, the hardest of the hardcore decided they wanted a Tetris game that would test their abilities. Thus a little Japanese company known as Arika stepped to the plate in the late 90's and spawned the Tetris Grandmaster series of games. One thing's for sure, this ain't your granny's Tetris.

Gameplay
Well, anyone who has been conscious even briefly in the past couple of decades should intrinsically know the basic gameplay that is core to Tetris. A basin is presented to the player into which drop various shapes. Maneuvering said shapes in order to create seamless horizontal lines will result in those lines disappearing, giving points and allowing more room to drop yet more shapes, rinse and repeat. Allow the basin to fill to the top with shapes and the game ends. That's it. That's really all there is to it, at least on paper. Of course, that is also where the addictive draw lies, in the fact that Tetris, at its very center, is so simple in execution that the real game is a test of concentration, a gauge of one's own zen-like ability to blot out the world around them and completely focus on the singular task at hand. In my humble estimation, it is chess for a single player, it is the mastery of one's perception and the harnessing of one's logical abilities.
Tetris The Absolute: The Grandmaster 2 is the epitome of this ideal. The game is intended to come secondary to a player's own abilities, to in fact provide a foundation upon which one can achieve greater and greater feats of reasoning and concentration. This may sound like a lofty ideal, particularly in the face of videogames, but with the basis that is Tetris, the model can be refined and molded to suit any goal, any aim. Allow me to elaborate. For a few weeks now, I've been playing Tetris DS, a fun Nintendo-themed variant on Tetris. The game has many new modes, some great innovations, and an all around high fun factor. Certain conventions in gameplay have been made that support the higher-prioritized goal of fun such as allowing a piece to be rotated almost an infinite number of time before it locks, a lower concentration of "Z" and "S" shaped pieces, and preview windows for up to five upcoming pieces. For anyone who grew up on the Arcade, Game Boy, or NES versions of Tetris, the DS version is both familiar and much easier to play. In single sittings on Marathon mode, I've reached level 14 with around 140+ lines. This Tetris is forgiving, it's soft around the edges, it has Mario's endorsement.

In stark contrast, TGM is hard. It has a very limited amount of time before pieces lock, it has only a single piece preview, it provides a calculated balance of all pieces. It is a very fair game, being very carefully programmed to not cheat the player out of victory, but it is unforgiving nonetheless. TGM knows you are stupid, and will punish you in high fashion for it. In my time with it, I quickly learned that it throws persistent and clever players a bone every so often. If you manage to survive in standard mode for a number of lines, it'll give you special pieces that will collapse any holes you've built into the mass, delete odd or even lines, and even eradicate all of a certain piece from the gameboard. The game will then slow down the gravity for a bit. The game as a whole is balanced to punish thoughtless moves and to reward skill. Even the Standard mode isn't the ultimate ideal that TGM is aimed towards, the ultimate ideal that has attracted the best and brightest Tetris players. Grandmaster mode is.

Grandmaster mode is the gauntlet. Its levels start at 9 and count down through hundreds of lines of hate and agony. I made it to level 6 on my best run, with a block mass that looked like swiss cheese at a shooting range. The game's purity of purpose is full and clear in this mode, to become a backdrop to the player's own abilities, and to push those abilities in a highly predictable curve past any previous watermarks of achievement. This is the Tetris that challenges the player, that tests them, that sizes them up, and even more importantly, allows the player to objectively size themselves up with a transparency that no other version of Tetris can. As they build their skill, the player will ascend through the ranks, from numbers 9-1, to the S-ranks, and finally if they can attain a level of skill and concentration engendered to a scant few, the Grandmaster ranks.

I don't normally call to references outside of this site, but this is one case I'll make an exception in order to illustrate the point I'm trying to prove. Google "invisible tetris" and click on the first video link that comes up. That is TGM3, the sequel to the one I'm reviewing here. Watch it until the end. Yeah, that was the face I made too.

Graphics/Sound
I'll freely admit, this section is going to be pretty short. The entire premise of Tetris requires a bare minimum in graphic power, which is in a sense adhering to the absolute highest ideal that any videogame can aspire to. Many gamers and industry leaders champion the mantra that is gameplay over graphics, but few games are able to stand alone, playable and completely within context on literally any graphical platform.

TGM has graphics that aren't particularly awe-inspiring, but do serve a very utilitarian purpose. Each piece is differently colored, allowing the player to recognize at the barest glance which piece is which. This is pretty par for the course as far as Tetris games go, without this simple convention, it would be a nightmare attempting to make heads or tails between the "Z" and "S" pieces, as well as the "L" and backwards "L" pieces. what TGM does feature however, is the fact that the block mass is dimmer than active pieces and also has a white outline, allowing the savvy player to survey the entire board at a glance, which in the later levels, is all they have time for.

The backgrounds are nice, if not exactly noteworthy, and the menus and other non-Tetrisy assets are adequate, being if nothing else, not distracting from the task at hand.
The sound is also something which might be ignored out of hand at first, but which also comes with a layer of strategy within it. Each piece makes a distinct sound before it drops, allowing a skilled player to know what's coming without having to look at the preview window. Smooth and clever indeed.

Story
Tetris...story...right.

Okay, well since the game actually doesn't have any narrative story whatsoever, I'll give this space a little boost with a story about Tetris.

Tetris was invented by a bearded Russian man Named Alexey Pajitnov. He was working for the Soviet Academy of Sciences Computer Center when the idea struck him, and being the clever, lovable commie he was, set about with a couple of colleagues to manifest the game in a playable form. Unfortunately, the Russian government being what it was at the time, did not allow Alexey to make any money from his creation, which was, according to Russian copyright law, public domain. The game spread to all of Russia and other Eastern Bloc countries, often in the form of public kiosks that would attract enormous lines for just a few minutes of play. Many Western companies learned of Tetris's popularity and bought licensing rights for their respective territories, making millions off the game's worldwide popularity. Nintendo in particular made a mint from the game by making it a pack-in title for the original Game Boy. For literally decades, Mr. Pajitnov made nothing from the wildfire that was Tetris. He now lives in America. Imagine that.

Beer
For some reason, I've been doing a "beer chain" of sorts, I'll off-handedly mention one beer in a review and within the next week or two, I find myself reviewing it. While it does have an interesting energy all its own, I feel as though I'm foreshadowing myself and diminishing the impact of any new review I choose to publish. So with that in mind, I'm keeping my eye on the prize this time and I'll refrain from comparing the beer I'm reviewing against any other beers. I especially won't be mentioning any premium barley-pops, since I'm not exactly swimming in cash and the last thing I want to do is tempt the gods by uttering something unwholesomely expensive. It would be just my luck that some prankster demon would guide me into a store where there was nothing but expensive beer and I would be forced to sell my body on the street corner just to be able to make a review for you fickle bastards. And lest you allow your minds to wonder, no, I'm not cheap.

Pabst Blue Ribbon, whose name easily condenses to the convenient and simple initials PBR is one of the very, very inexpensive American beers on offer in virtually any store with a liquor license. It is widely available and easy to spot lurking in the case with all the other brewskis. The package design is spartan and bold, sporting the very popular red/white/blue color scheme found on many, many traditional American beers. The only thing that mars the purchasing experience is that I feel a strange hesitation when walking up to the counter with a tall can of PBR and a single pack of chocolate dessert cakes which rhyme with "ringers." I get this weird feeling that my purchases are being judged by the person behind the register. That my simple choices in the way of personal indulgences, without the benefit of context that I do this with a higher purpose in mind causes the clerk to inwardly make assumptions as to the fabric of my character and/or personal life. That perhaps these are the accessories of a deranged person, or possibly even a violent criminal. Pretty soon I'm dwelling on the subject as I drive home post-purchase. Not on my own proclivities, but on what would constitute a psychopath's shopping list. My mind swims with illogical combinations of normally innocuous store bought goods, items that purchased together in a certain arrangement and quantity paint a portrait of madness. I ruminate over this, wondering what kind of receipt indicates which sort of socio-psychological issue. And all at once, I begin to build the perfect list, one that would point to the most dangerous insane criminal on earth...and I promise myself I'm going to buy it someday, from as small and meek a clerk as possible...on or about midnight...just for kicks.

Anyway.

PBR's smell is basically that of a grain silo soaked in fermented water. The notes of malt and hops is pervasive, almost to the point of being overwhelming. It doesn't quite hit the olfactory senses the same way a 40 ounce of malt liquor would, but it's just enough to make me not want to drink it all the same. When I touched the can to my lips, it was all effervescence, water and sourness rolling down my throat like the huge boulder at the beginning of Raiders of the Lost Ark. The taste got progressively more deplorable as I went through the can, and really, by about halfway, I was choking the damn stuff down. Probably if I had gone the way of the underage drinker and just shotgunned the whole can, I could have avoided the slow torture that is having to taste this beer over the course of a full gaming session, but not only do I have no intention of shotgunning 24 ounces of Satan's piss, but I endure sip-by-sip agony specifically in the name of edifying you, my readers, with carefully worded insights into this niche hobby that is drinking alcohol and playing videogames. I'm all about self-sacrifice. How awesome is that?

At any rate, the feel this beer has in the oral cavity is pretty thin, tempered by the high degree of scrubbing bubbles action going on. And I think that's a pretty good synopsis of how this beer drinks: it makes my mouth feel like a dirty bathtub. The alcoholic content and resultant intoxication do nothing to save this beer from oblivion, the alcohol content is pretty paltry for something that tastes like all its strengths should lie in its ability to inebriate, and the drunk is a bent, uneasy feeling, with most of the agony hanging out in the lower intestine. All in all, a beer that, while arguably an American classic, should be avoided unless you happen to enjoy wholly unsatisfying drink.

The Matchup
So what do we have here? A review that just barely made the deadline? Well besides that, we have a game that manages to be arguably the greatest in the world, and--surprise of all surprises--a beer that does not. Tetris, particularly in the flavor sampled here is quite possibly the purest form a videogame can take. It shines with a luster that is most closely associated with very rare gemstones, and in terms of design triumphs, is just as valuable. The beer is dross, a simple concoction that isn't the absolute worst thing I've ever imbibed, but definitely sits well below the line marked tolerable. The great thing about such depths is that it's pretty easy to turn the other direction and go up from there, so at least in that regard, I'm looking forward to the next review.

Cheers/Game on.

G'NB Holiday Doublepost!

2009-12-29T15:18:00.000-06:00

So, seeing that it's the holidays, I've decided to do something a bit different, I figured that posting one big review with two sets of games/alcohols would be cool, and it would free up more time for me to actually...y'know, do the holiday thing. And I know it's Tuesday, writing a double article is tougher than it looks.

Machinarium/Foster's

Game: Machinarium, Amanita Design, 2009, PC
Beer: Foster's, 25 fl. oz., 5% abv
# of beers consumed during play: 1
Level Reached: 10th screen
Level of Intoxication: Buzzed

Game
Machinarium inhabits an old and hotly contested corner of game design. While this particular example of the genre is unabashedly beautiful, with art direction that stakes a healthy claim on the virtues of 2D games and artwork, the game itself is still the point and click adventure game. This has always been a gametype that's been either loved or hated, and there's seldom ever any middle ground or crossover. Either you adore point and click adventures, and have played every one you could get your hands on, or you abhor them, and you sneer at them from the cozy comforts of your FPS's and 3D platformers. I guess in that regard at least, I'm special, since I'm able to both adore and sneer at these games, many times simultaneously.

Gameplay
Mechanarium is a point and click adventure, and is unapologetically so. The game thrusts the player into a bleak and unforgiving world, throws the bone of a single tutorial screen, and then stands back and watches as the player flails madly against puzzles that are very, very hard. How hard you ask? Well, etch the word difficult into an aluminum baseball bat with a rusty knife. Then drive some sixteen penny nails through the bat at random intervals, dip the entire nailbat in battery acid and begin playing Machinarium. At any point, if the robot you're controlling refuses to do something, does something you didn't want it to, or just stands there serenely as you madly click on an object you know is your next objective, then go ahead and pick up the Tough Nailbat with +9 to acid damage and hit yourself in the face. If perchance you happen to run across a puzzle that is oppressively obtuse or needlessly difficult, call your worst enemy and have them come over and hit you in the face with said nailbat until they feel better.
I'm telling you right now, you won't survive past the second screen.

This game does have an interesting (read: infuriating) hint system, you can click on the hint at any time, each screen only has one, and in classic adventure genre style, the hint it gives you is obvious and insulting. I know I'm supposed to get that robo-pigeon off the damn telephone wire, what I don't know is how I'm supposed to logically piece together the significance of that sliding tile puzzle that even when solved, does absolutely nothing without some other piece of something from the other side of the currently accessible world. Of course, the game does provide another set of hints. This being in the form of a locked book in the game's menu. The only way to access the contents of this godforsaken book is to successfully play what is easily the most asinine, pointless, and boring shooter game in the whole of the known universe. Yes, a shooter game in the middle of an adventure game. Because the first thing I want to do when I'm banging my head against an impossible puzzle is to have to switch gamer modes instantly to wrangle a mini game just so I can get the answer I need to progress. The most super part? You have to play the game every single time you want to access the book. Just closed the book and realized that you don't remember the inane pattern of wires you just looked at? Play that shitty shooter again cowboy, and bring a notepad next time!
While we're on the subject of totally uncalled for games, allow me a paragraph or two to go ahead and vent this right now. Let ye be warned, I'm giving away an entire scene in the game, so if you're the type of person who needs everything to be a surprise...you shouldn't be reading this site. There is a point in the game where you walk into a robo-pub, and more than likely not knowing what else to do, you sit down at a table with an old robot, whereupon you proceed to play a game that's called "Five in a Row" but should be called "Some Asshole Designed This Game Because He Wants Me to Punch Him Square in the Dick". I'm not kidding, this game is so maddening, the Dalai Lama would last about three rounds before he got up, drop-kicked the computer, and then went out and threw a basket full of kittens into a jet turbine. I looked the solution up on the internet and still lost about ten times before the solution worked and I finally won a game. If ever there was a dealbreaker in any of the games I've played in my long history as a gamer, this is it. This single scene nearly made me uninstall the game on the spot, and if that isn't bad game design, I don't know what is. And what happens when you win the game? The old robot pitches a fit and throws all the pieces around the room, and you have to go and pick them up. How fitting.

There is a light at the end of this tunnel of hate though, and that is the superlative feeling you get when you actually do solve one of these puzzles on your own. Also nice is the fact that the game is steeped in such atmosphere, that sooner rather than later, you'll find yourself thinking in Machinarium logic, and will suddenly have a much easier time of putting together the logical conclusion that a cone dipped in blue paint and a lightbulb will fool a guard into lowering a gate. Of course, good luck finding that goddamn pot of blue paint.

Graphics/Sound
If there ever was a reason to subject oneself to the mental tortures that is this game, the graphics would have to be it. The entire game is hand drawn, in a style so lush and characteristic that it takes mere seconds to transport yourself to this imaginary land where robots rule, pollute the earth, and presumably steal girlfriends and exile their true loves in trash heaps. The color palette maintains a muddy, rusted tint, keeping with earth tones and other subdued greys, browns, yellows and reds. Needed items and panels are tightly integrated with the surroundings, meaning not only are they hard to see and pick out of the highly detailed world, but their use and operation is usually fairly obscure to boot. Then again, with every graphical asset in the game a veritable how-to on the basics of drawing a dystopian robot homeworld, the player may be sufficiently awestruck so as to not even notice there's even a game at all.
Truly, the finer touches are what elevate this game's art to a higher echelon than most, from the robo-flies that buzz away when you wave your cursor over them, to the simple and strangely heartwarming snippets of story conveyed through character thought bubbles. It is readily apparent that this game was a true labor of love, and that some extremely talented individuals were responsible for the direction of this game's art design. In this world of high polygon-count 3D, anti-aliasing, shaders and water effects, it's a welcome sight to gamers who remember 2D that there's some studios out there that remember it too.

The sound is adequate, the background music isn't so much music as ambiance, and the sound effects in the game either fall into the quiet, incidental category, or the loud, important event category. One sound the player (that's you cupcake) will quickly tire of is the sound of quiet denial by the robot when the player tries something the robot can't or doesn't want to do. This sound of "huh-uh" is accompanied by the robot seemingly spinning his head like a top, which is also infuriating after the millionth time witnessing it. You've been warned, don't act like you didn't know when you have to pay for the window you hurled your mouse through.

Story
Well, much like other point 'n click adventure games, the story is fairly prominent here. As in many other games, your totally awesome girlfriend who you never, ever fight with and always have just the greatest time around has been nabbed by some bullies. You, ever the plucky, picked-upon hero, must brave a torrent of other robots, all with deep seated neurological and circumstantial problems, in your quest to win your beloved bucket of bolts back from the dreaded Black Hat Gang. In your quest, you will outwit guards, frighten hardened prisoners, and get an old robo-lady her dog back just so she'll let you use her umbrella. Serious stuff here, no doubt.

As mentioned above, all story elements are told in cartoon thought bubbles, making you laugh and groan at the same time when seeing a member of the Black Hat Gang suddenly stops play and causes your hapless moron-o-bot to start reminiscing to a time when he was an even bigger loser.

Beer
Foster's, a quandary in a can, an alcoholic enigma. A mystery in liquid form. I drank one of these beers, in its 25 ounce oil can flavor, and as I drank, curiosity got the better of me and I looked it up. Fosters is an Australian beer that isn't brewed in Australia, but thanks to licensing deals is actually brewed in places like Canada. Also, for various reasons, true Australians avoid Fosters like the black plague, and in fact the "amber nectar" or the "Australian for beer" really doesn't have much of a market in its home country. Interesting. The Energizer's Jacko of beer. Of course, far be it from me to be hateful of a country that saddled us with the likes of Paul Hogan and Russell Crowe, so we'll do our best to do this beer review with an open mind.

Foster's sucks dusty kangaroo sac. This is essentially the same watery piss-wash that I can buy for 99 cents a can at the local piggly-wiggly, only in the case of Foster's which is technically an import, I have to pay import prices, meaning two bucks a can. If I want budget beer, I'll go get a sixer of PBR and be happy knowing I sacrificed taste in the name of thrift. The taste is just like every other amber lager out there, weak and hoppy with an undeniable undercurrent of disappointment. The drink is thin and overly bubbly, making for a fully unsatisfying beverage which leaves the unfortunate drinker with a leaden feeling in the gut once the festivities are over. I don't personally know anyone who drinks Foster's in a casual atmosphere, and after trying the beer for myself, I'm pretty convinced I don't want to know anyone with such proclivities. I'm not saying that Foster's drinkers are, as a rule, bad people or n'er-do-wells, but I'm just saying I don't want to be drinking, run out of Fat Tire and open the fridge and there be nothing but Foster's stocked up. I believe that's a specific curse listed in the Necronomicon.

The smell is a very similar blend of disenchantment and sadness as the taste. The bouquet is flat and grainy, making the potential drinker wish they had a time machine that operated long enough for them to go back to when they were at the store and convince themselves to choose something else. In fact, I came up with a new slogan for Foster's: "Foster's, regret in a bottle."

The Matchup
Here we have a game that frustrates and a beer that disappoints. Not the greatest combo for a holiday review, but at the very least, it makes for fun reading. On the one hand, Machinarium is a pretty romp with a fun story, neither of which anyone will see because they got fed up with the Five in a Row puzzle and hung themselves with their computer's power cable. On the other hand, Foster's is a beer that fills an alcoholic with regret and self-loathing, which would cause even the strongest-willed individual to sit on the couch and hate life. If nothing else, one could look at this combination as a way to measure one's own ability to persevere in the face of adversity. Beat the game and finish the beer, and I'm sure the Navy SEALs would like to hear from you.

Cheers/Game on.

Borderlands/Grolsch

Game: Borderlands, Gearbox Software, 2009, PC
Beer: Grolsch, 15.2 fl. oz., 5% abv
# of beers consumed during play: 4
Level Reached: 11th mission
Level of Intoxication: Three Sheets to the Wind

Game
Borderlands is an example of the genre-mashing that game studios have been doing for a few years now. Since all of the major gametypes have been tread, and re-tread, and subsequently worn to death, gamers have grown increasingly weary of the vanilla FPS or the straight up JRPG. Solution? Take two (or more) genres, put them in a blender, and hope what comes out is playable. In the somewhat unique case of Borderlands, what came out of the blender is most definitely playable. Thank God.

Gameplay
What happens when you mix equal parts Mad Max, Indiana Jones, comic books and 20-sided dice? Borderlands happens, that's what. The interesting thing is that this game, brought to us by the venerable Gearbox Software studio, is actually much more than the sum of its admittedly awesome parts. On the one hand, when firing the game up, the dystopian gameworld, rendered in carefully drawn comic book-inspired visuals will immediately slap the viewer upside the head with notions of some unholy marriage between Mad Max and whatever passes for a popular comic book these days...I dunno, I grew up on X-Men and Wolverine. On the other hand, once the game gets rolling, the story begins to emerge, and gameplay starts to peek out through the cracks in the tutorial levels, the above mentioned comparison to Indiana Jones and 20-sided dice will readily become apparent. The core structure of gameplay is that when you fire your weapon at an enemy, the table-top origins kick into high gear and in the blink of an eye, the computer does all the requisite computations for initiative rolls, damage rolls, critical hit rolls, chance to miss, chance to dodge...etc, and what the player sees is an enemy turning into a viscous reddish paste with some little numbers indicating damage floating upwards. This is in stark contrast to actual pen-and-paper RPGs, where you would typically spend upwards of 10 minutes rolling dice and working out the flow of combat, after which you would suddenly discover the DM hated you since third grade and put you up against an enemy 6 levels above you. In Borderlands, the concept is pretty much the same, but happens so fast, you'll barely have time to turn tail and run once you realize the game was leading you deep into hostile territory all along and you are now standing face to gaping maw with an enemy that could easily rip you into itty-bitty little shreds. I've been there, and trust me, when it hits you...the little damage numbers fly off of you.
Of course, this is where Borderlands shines, because you are almost, but not quite completely outmatched, and if you manage your inventory and weapons correctly, you may actually see the other side of the incredible, busy, hardcore boss fights. Fights where the boss will send several minions after you while they themselves unleash hell in the form of massive damage and hideous status effects. Ever bled out while being shot by bullets that cause fire damage all while getting attacked by dogs that look like a cross between Alien and that thing the plumber found in your septic tank when your toilet stopped flushing for a week? That's what Borderlands is especially--but not exclusively--good at, the clutch moment, that point in the game where you thought you were more prepared than you actually are, and now you have to use every last bit of strategy and resources to take a particularly nasty enemy out. The game even facilitates this with a mode it calls "second wind" where if you lose all your life, you are knocked down but not dead. If you manage to kill a creature while knocked down, you'll revive, gain your second wind and be able to do extra damage. There's no way to adequately describe the feeling I got when I was up against a boss monster and it had me on the ground, was ready to charge and deal its final blow when one of it's little minions started to attack me and got a facefull of lead, whereupon I got back up, dodged the boss's charge and put it down with a full magazine of ammo. The crazy thing is that this isn't like a scripted event or something that only happens once in a while...this happens all the time. The feeling of saving your own ass from certain death out in the middle of a barren desert is so powerful and engaging that the only way to truly understand what I'm getting at is to go out and get the game for yourself.

Now, as you might have surmised, the "second wind" mechanic isn't the only thing that makes this game a three-layer cake of superb with awesome frosting in-between. The game takes the firm stance that if more is good then shit-tons is even better, and has a random generator for all the weapons, meaning there's a vein of Diablo in there, and when you beat bosses, you'll get weapons so powerful and "gee-gosh I just gotta try this thing out on something squishy" fun that you'll have no choice but to equip them immediately. There's literally millions of weapon combinations, meaning that if you ever wanted a sniper rifle that does acid damage, has a cyclic rate that makes a macine gun jealous, and comes in a green and purple color scheme, you're finally home. The other characters also enrich this world to a rather frightening degree. Dr. Zed is one of my personal favorites. Always covered in blood, always needing you to fix one of his medical devices, and never guarding his lockers which contain money and free medical supplies, Dr. Zed is one of the first friendly-ish faces you meet in Borderlands, and unlike that damn robot thing, doesn't dance or try unsuccessfully to be funny. Dr. Zed will routinely give you missions to complete, much like every other denizen of Fyrestone (the town in which you begin). Many of the missions you are given are multi-part missions, leading to a larger goal, and some are merely side-missions, awarding the persevering player with experience, weapons, or cash. Most missions fall into the "kill this thing" or "collect these worthless items" quests, but some actually break convention (ever so slightly) and might actually feature interesting objectives such as "run over x number of Alien-sewer dogs with that car over there", sure, it might still boil down to the "kill this thing" mission objective, but you get to do it with a car!

The ultimate goal of the game is to unearth a heavily guarded and very well hidden "vault" of alien treasure and weapons, which would naturally make you so rich and powerful as to completely preclude the possibility of a Borderlands sequel...Okay, so I can't say that last part with a straight face, but honestly, why would I want to? Borderlands is so unique and fun, that the possibility of a sequel makes me froth at the mouth.

Graphics/Sound
Borderlands is proof positive that the Unreal Engine 3 can be adapted to great lengths and that in the right hands, can be made to do incredible things. That's right, in a generation of games that all apparently want to go the way of ultra-realism, Borderlands takes the road less traveled and adopts a comic book styled art direction that not only makes it stand way, way ahead of the pack, but fits the over-the-top storyline like a glove. No joke, When you play Borderlands, you feel like you're actually playing a comic book. From the carefully cel-shaded graphics, to the tiny touches such as hatch-shaded boulders, every facet of this game breathes a meticulous attention to detail. As can be expected, the character meshes are all solid, robust, and in some cases, downright frightening. Some level designs are a bit contrived, and some even manage to be confusing, particularly when you're out of ammo, are being chased by a couple gazillion baddies, and are desperately looking for the level exit so you can restock and resupply, but on the whole, the game, from menus on down to textures is a parade of dystopian beauty.
The sound is also superb. The music has a very pronounced wild west theme, and knows how to get intense at the right moments. The voice acting is just outlandish enough to be perfect, and fits the characters in a lovely, twisted way. The southern twang on a one legged guy in a Hawaiian shirt took the cake for me. The sounds of guns firing and critters dying are punchy and satisfying in ways that make your average FPS junkie squeal with delight, and yes, I've heard an FPS junkie squeal, it's actually rather spooky. You know what else is spooky? When the boss characters laugh. Trust me on this one.

Story
Remember the Indy Jones comparison? Here's where it gets qualified. You've arrived on the planet Pandora following rumors that there is an ancient hidden treasure trove buried somewhere in the surrounding environs. Of course, you aren't the only sap--er, ah...hunter who has been lured to the barren desert in search of fortune. In fact, you're actually a late comer, and what few people remain after the planet was picked clean of natural resources are either settlers, bandits, or angry critters. Hungry angry critters.

You will have to brave these hungry, angry critters, bandits, and a few other surprises as you move ever closer to the rumored treasure that may or may not await you. Of course, one does not simply walk into a highly coveted alien vault, so you will have to find clues, keys and other artifacts to help you on your quest. It sounds much easier than it actually is.

The story is well done, featuring many twists and turns, and will at times take the player in directions they may not want to go, the earmark of any truly good story. So yeah, FPS games can have good stories, my buddy totally owes me five bucks.

Beer
Grolsch. There, that's the last time I'm typing that brand name. I've already typed it enough times and the spelling just pisses me off every time I have to type it, it feels like my fingers are having to learn acrobatics. Form here on out, it will be referred to as "That Beer".

That Beer was one that came highly recommended by more than a couple friends. "Hey dude," they would say, "You should try some That Beer, it's really good. I like That Beer a lot." Whereupon I would reply, "Hmmm, That Beer does sound good, but That Beer is rather expensive as beers go, I'll have to wait to try That Beer until I get some extra money." Yes, my conversations really sound like that...I swear. I finally got a few extra bucks, and so I went and found a store that sold it, and proceeded to purchase That Beer. The first thing that ocurred to me was that some significant portion of the money I spent must have gone to the manufacture and assembly of the bottle in which That Beer comes in. It's a swing-top bottle, meaning there's a ceramic stopper with a rubber ring, affixed to an elaborate network of stiff wire that manages to lock it in place, sealing the bottle. Of course this beer is made in Holland, who else would deliberately come up with a complex, needless alternative to the pop-cap? Other than America that is...The bottle is custom molded, not only to accept the swing-top apparatus, but also in the name of premium decoration as well. The word "That Beer" is molded into the side of the bottle as well as the brewery's crest and what I can only assume are grips...or speed lines..or blood grooves...at this point I'm not really sure. Damn those Dutch and their interminable ways!

Aesthetics aside, That Beer turns out to be broadly satisfying. The smell instantly recalls Heinekin, but has a slightly more skunky odor, and a deeper note of barley. It's a complex smell, and one that I wouldn't mind sampling over and over, it is the quintessential beer smell and a good standard for light lagers.

The taste is extremely sharp, with a bitterness that may turn off some drinkers. There is a dry aftertaste that seems to almost pickle the tongue, but manages to stay clean and refreshing, don't ask me how, I just drink it. The further along in the bottle one gets, the more one will notice a slight hint of sweetness, just enough to balance out all that bite. This is definitely not a frathouse brew, unless your frathouse happens to haze initiates by making them rate exotic wines using only the sign language alphabet. The carbonation is somewhat high, so if you don't like champagne or soda, you might want to steer clear, but if you can handle a few bubbles, you just might end up enjoying the fizz this beer has to offer.

The alcoholic content is pretty middling, That Beer isn't the kind of beer you get drunk on, but if you manage to rip through a four-pack of swing-tops, it's a safe bet that you aren't going to be at the top of your game coordination-wise. At 5% abv, That Beer conveys a slightly "off" drunk, where in addition to losing your coordination, you'll have trouble wrapping your brain around even small logical problems, so as far as I'm concerned, That Beer is one to drink strictly in the presence of loyal friends, who won't be tempted to tease or take advantage of you in your impaired state.

The Matchup
So what have we learned during this journey of discovery? First off that I don't ever want to do a double post again. Ever. Second, that in the case of the Borderlands/That Beer combo, unusual can be very good, even great, when the pieces are put together the right way. As far as Borderlands is concerned, the mixing up of several genres and influences turned into a totally original IP that manages to be involving and fun. As for That Beer, it's apparent that originality is also a property somewhat lacking in the beer industry, and in which a little innovation (see That Beer) goes a long way. If your personal tastes are up to the task, I highly recommend both the game and beer in question.

Cheers/Game on.

The Saboteur/Hornsby's Crisp Apple Hard Cider

2009-12-14T14:54:00.000-06:00

Game: The Saboteur, Pandemic, 2009, PC
Beer: Hornsby's Crisp Apple Hard Cider, 12 fl. oz., 5.5% abv
# of beers consumed during play: 4
Level Reached: 5th mission, 10,000th nazi killed
Level of Intoxication: Buzzed

Game
Pandemic Studios, known and loved for their Star Wars: Battlefront and Destroy All Humans game franchises were recently bought out and given the axe by EA, a game company who is well known and hated for doing things like buying out game studios and then giving them the axe. Fortunately for gamers, before Pandemic became yet another epitaph in the games industry, they managed to produce a final game, this game is called The Saboteur, and it is a superb farewell.

Gameplay
Three word summary: GTA with Nazis. No, I'm really not kidding. I've long held the opinion that Nazis are the videogame equivalent of bacon, adding them makes everything better. While I might have a few stout opponents to that view, particularly those in the Jewish community (They hate pork and Nazis...perhaps there's a hidden connection there?), The Saboteur tallies up one more point on the "Nazis Make Killing Fun" scoreboard. And so it is, you are dropped in a vast gameworld, tasked with killing any and all Nazis you run across, the means by which are hugely varied and insanely satisfying. The game puts a wide assortment of tools in your hands, such as the very common dynamite, a large array of lead propulsion devices, and other toys such as RPGs, grenades, and even mounted equipment such as AA Flak cannons and mortars. You wield these weapons in the playground known as Nazi-occupied Paris, dodging roving patrols, besieging Nazi implements of war, and infiltrating Nazi compounds.

The game places heavy emphasis on stealth and blending into the city, showcasing the ability to assume Nazi disguises, hiding in holes throughout the environs, remaining outside Nazi "suspicion circles" and scaling buildings in order to find better paths of infiltration into guarded outposts. After a piece of Nazi equipment has gone boom or a few more Nazis have gone missing, the player is urged to scoot boots to a position which isn't crawling with angry and inquisitive Nazis, a position which will likely have even more unsuspecting Nazis to do away with. Theoretically, a player could rip and tear all throughout Paris in one long huge burn, killing enemies and destroying equipment without rest, pausing only to trade with one of the game's many black market weapons dealers for supplies. The thought of cutting a destructive swath through a foreign country with the authorities in hot pursuit gives me a warm fuzzy on more than one level, and helps to keep the game fresh and interesting, even when certain other ideas are executed poorly.

One poorly executed facet of the game just so happens to be related to the stealth aspects. The game wants to see you sneak around restricted compounds and other installations, but unfortunately, the best way to determine if you can be seen is by getting seen. There are no vision cones on your map or other indicators to help you smuggle your hapless ass past curiously attentive guard patrols, when an enemy drops out of your line of sight, their marker also drops off your mini map, and when one Nazi sees you they all see you.
Now, I can accept the first two mechanics as being concessions to realism, even if in this context realism sucks and only serves to give the Load Game menu item some exercise, but the latter situation is much harder to swallow. I might not be up on my European history, but I really don't remember reading anything about Nazis having some weird hive-mind ESP, essentially the same kind of ESP that exists in games like Crysis. That being said, with a game that attempts to encourage stealth gameplay as much as Saboteur does, it has a strange way of showing it with the level of difficulty some stealth missions entail. Example: early on in the game, you are instructed to break some resistance members out of a POW camp, the game actually tells you: "Oh, and just to let you know, there's a metric asston of Krauts there, so try to go in quietly." Okay you say to yourself as you drive sloppily to your objective, time to put on the stealth...You get there, try to sneak into the camp, and BAM alarms everywhere. Second try, put on a Nazi uniform, you're invisible! You sneak in, pop the first lock on the cages and suddenly "Nein!!! Ist das nicht ein schnitzelbank!?!?" And I'm again looking at the very pretty and well designed screen that allows me to load my most recent saved game. The stealth inconsistencies notwithstanding, there are a couple other niggles that keep this game from being perfect. Remember somewhere early in this review when I directly compared this game to Grand Theft Auto? That wasn't me being facetious. One of the other major plagues of this game is the driving mechanic. The vehicles in The Saboteur operate exactly as the ones in every GTA do, horrendously. The really terrible part is that since you are, in some capacity in the game, an Irish racecar driver, the game will at certain points require you to take control of a racecar and attempt to pilot it with a measurable degree of precision in the game. The fact that every single car in the game handles like a dogshit-filled chinese takeout box makes enjoying these portions of the game difficult to say the least.

Now, a huge paragraph detailing how hard the game sucks may sound like I hate it, but the opposite couldn't be more true. Because as was the case with Prototype, there's something intrinsically pleasurable about being given a city and then being given free license to indulge in your most violent fantasies within it. Character control is very good, and the ability to ambush Nazis, take their uniforms and infiltrate guarded areas in order to explodify something or killify someone is sublime. The moniker of the game, "The Saboteur" is accurate, since whether in or out of missions, you will routinely find yourself sabotaging enemy vehicles, equipment, and installations, very frequently with dynamite and a zippo, and words cannot describe how cool it feels to sneak up to an occupied Nazi guard tower, flick the lighter, light the fuse and back up to a safe distance to watch your subversive machinations play out, complete with ragdoll physics...Especially with ragdoll physics. Of course, if you dislike dynamite or wish to change it up sometimes, you could always drive a car into a fuel depot and bail out at the last second...in The Saboteur, the choice is yours.
Here is where I highlight another aspect of The Saboteur that bears mentioning, as you work against the Nazi occupation, you'll free portions of the city from Nazi oppression, which not only brings color back into the world, but will actually strengthen the resistance movement in that area, causing passerby to actually come to your aid if you get in a scuffle, or even start fights themselves, it's a game mechanic that is well executed and helps to breathe life into the gameworld. Freed zones have more hiding spots, fewer Nazis, and softer targets, making it easy to establish your dominion over those parts of the city.

Graphics/Sound
Well, might as well address this right out of the gate, The Saboteur has some of the most stylish art direction I've seen in recent memory. One of the most striking parts of the game is the fact that when you're in Nazi controlled areas, everything is black and white, with only striking colors such as the red armbands of Nazis visible. This alone makes the game feel as though it has greater depth and character and helps to stand this game out among the scads of other sandbox/city destruction games available. Another thing worth mentioning is the nudity. Other games have in the past attempted to bring adult situations to games with varying degrees of success, and most times, a game that includes bare breastnoids in the content is almost guaranteeing censure and condemnation. Interesting then that in this context, this game has very nearly been lauded as having no compromise in the artistic vision, and very little news has circulated about the nudity and other sexual situations in this game. It could be that Pandemic has found the loophole that allows games to exploit lewd and lascivious content for monetary gain, or it could be that the industry and its consumers as a whole are maturing, and recognizing that such content can be used successfully to tell a story and enhance a fictional narrative with grit and realism...And no, I'm not going to post a picture "in the interest of full disclosure."
The sounds are well done, explosions are full and punchy, and the screams of Nazis on fire are appropriately satisfying. Some of the guns don't sound quite right for some reason, while others sound just the way one would imagine they should. The accents are pretty good, I couldn't find anything wrong with them other than the fact that sometimes they just sounded too cliched. Car engine sounds all seemed to blend together, whether it was an Italian race car or a flat bed truck. They all had a different sound, sure, but there's still something...recycled about it. One thing I can say about the sound direction, and quite frankly the game as a whole, was that when I heard a German voice yelling, I knew it was for me and I immediately went on high alert.

Story
You are Sean Devlin, an Irish stereotype of near immeasurable proportions. Through a few turns of fate, you get trapped in Nazi-occupied Paris, and, through a few more turns of fate, really, really, really really hate Nazis. God still loves you though, and so gives you an opportunity to strike back at your enemy, all while taking refuge in an upscale titty bar. In the game, you will fill Sean's boots as he wages a personal war against the Nazis in general, and against your foe, Kurt Dierker in particular. Your vendetta will take you all across the streets and cities of Paris, as well as a generous dollop of the French countryside as well. You might even see a smattering of Germany if you promise not to blink.

Of course, what kind of protagonist would you be if you weren't surrounded by espionage, fair-weather friends, spies, hot British chicks who drug you and drag you to abandoned churches in the middle of nowhere (seriously, there wasn't a car to jack for miles, I had to hoof it through the countryside for a half an hour just to find a car), and strained alliances with shady characters? In the course of the game you will encounter all that as well as much more, and by the end of the game, you'll hate everyone just as much as Sean does because apparently in 1940's Paris, unless they're having sex, everyone hates everyone else, even if they're on the same side. The coolest thing in my mind about the story though, is that Sean is an opportunist, in that he's not looking to be a war hero, or even a good guy, he's fighting the Nazis because he wants to make them all dead, plain and simple. At first blush, it may come off as just another revenge story, but when looked at in the larger context of a World War, the plot begins to exhibit a nuance and subtle commentary that's easy to miss.

Beer
Okay, I realize that technically, hard cider is nowhere near the same thing as beer, it's made with different stuff, it tastes different and has different judging criteria for taste and smell, and most devout beer drinkers look at hard cider, wine coolers, and flavored malt beverages as "cheerleader beer." As far as I'm concerned though, it's bubbly, it has alcohol, it gets you twisted, and most importantly, it sits right next to the actual beer in the glass case. Good enough for government work I say. Besides, it's my site, and if I want to do a review with Parcheesi and Goldschlager, Goddamnit, I'll do it. In fact, that's not such a bad idea...

Now, with that out of the way allow me to expound on the virtues of Hornsby's. First of all, it's very sweet, the apple taste comes after the fermented sugar taste but before the alcohol taste. If you've been drinking something such as Michelob Ultra all night and then suddenly switch to this, be prepared for a wake up call. In terms of taste disparity between this and something such as Michelob Ultra, the measured scale would stretch from here to approximately Alpha Centari. Whereas a spartan, hop-and-barley brew would slide right past the tongue, only stopping briefly to light up some bitter buds, Hornsby's sends shock troopers into the deepest parts of the tongue, assaulting with extreme prejudice all buds except for salty, leaving behind in it's wake a confused cavalcade of taste signals rushing to the brain to convey damage reports. Make no mistake, Hornsby's is the napalm of taste. I fear the day when I discover the ICBM of taste. Fortunately, once you stop reeling from the sensation of tasting everything at once, you'll find this is actually a very nice beverage with quite a lot to offer. The label has a picture of a rampaging rhino on it, so you probably won't catch too much flak from your frat brothers, and this thing is bio-engineered to be able to take to the head with reckless abandon. The carbonation in this is such that people used to chugging bubble-fests such as MGD and such will find this stuff as easy to guzzle as plain water.

The smell is rather alcoholic, with a careful balance of the apple notes. It doesn't offend, but rather prepares one for the forthcoming taste experience. Such a pervasive odor does have the distinct drawback of lingering on one's breath for an extended period of time though,and can be smelled from several rooms away, so any attempts to catch a mate with this would surely result in failure, lest of course the prospective individual were also drinking Hornsby's, then everything is copacetic.

The level of intoxication this drink can bestow upon it's victim is surprising bordering on alarming; the sweetness coupled with the amazing chuggability coupled with the 5.5% abv makes this a drink that can quickly take it's imbiber into uncharted waters. To compound matters, this is a sneaky drunk, it doesn't truly hit you until you stand up, whereupon your equilibrium and coordination look at one another and say "screw this, I have better things to do." Definitely not something to drink if you're about to take a shot for the Olympic gold medal on the balance beam.

The Matchup
Well, very much in line with Nazis and bacon, The Saboteur shares a few unlikely commonalities with Hornsby's, one of which being that a very serious product exists under the candy-flavored surface. Barring a few missteps in execution, both the game and beer in this instance have a great deal to offer, and people willing to see either through will find just rewards waiting for them.

Cheers/Game on.

Sick is Bad

2009-12-08T16:06:00.000-06:00

Being sick is no fun at all, which I got to experience this past weekend as my body apparently began seeing anything and everything as an affront and punished me thusly. As a result, G'NB didn't get updated with a new article, I didn't even have any stashed away, waiting for just such an occasion. I apologize.

As it is, I am still feeling a bit on the queasy side, but hope to return next weekend with a new article.

Also, I'm planning to change the article day to Monday, since most times, not too many people are idly surfing the net on the weekend, having this whole "life" thing to live up to. This falls neatly in line with my own supposed "life" in that I find myself doing things in the real world most often on the weekend as well, leaving me a pitifully small window of time in which to sup down a couple beers, play a game accordingly, and then have to come up with a few pages of incisive, witty dialogue to describe the whole experience. Hopefully sliding the review day to Mondays will make everyone's life easier.

Lastly, I'm not one to beg or anything, but I'll just put this out there: If you read an article, liked it, and felt that your time reading it wasn't a total waste, please click on an ad or two, donate something through the donate link, or even just tell your friends about this place or maybe post a link to G'NB on one of your favorite sites or forums. Trust me, a little help goes a long way, and I assure you I'm not twirling my mustache and running to the bank saying "Muahahaha, those fools! They think their money goes to videogames and alcohol when in fact it goes to prostitutes and hard drugs!" Without you guys, the readers (and hopefully the donaters, and the ad-clickers, and the linkwhores), this site would be nothing. My liver and my kidneys would love it if I stopped this site, but all they do is filter the toxins out of my body, what do they know?

Okay, that's all I got.

Cheers/Game on.

Need For Speed Shift/Blue Moon Belgian White

2009-11-29T22:02:00.000-06:00

Game: Need For Speed Shift, Electronic Arts, 2009, PC
Beer: Blue Moon, 12 fl. oz., 5.4% abv
# of beers consumed during play: 2
Level Reached: 2 or 3 races or something
Level of Intoxication: Buzzed

Game
I've been a longtime fan of the NFS series since the beginning, when a major focus of the game was detailed descriptions behind the cars and the cockpit view was a new and innovative feature in an already well tread genre. In the intervening years, the Need For Speed franchise has seen many different iterations, and has had its share of ups and downs. The latest entry in the NFS pantheon is a strategic hybrid of many previous Need For Speed games, and while it excels in certain aspects, it falls very short in others.

Gameplay
This game brings back the closed-circuit tracks and professional-type racing that Prostreet had, while presenting an eclectic mix of vehicles that span all the way from street tuners to ultra exotics to fully branded and tuned race machines. Since this is professional sanctioned racing, gone are the spike strips, roadblocks, and red and blue flashy-woo-woos. Also gone is the sandbox-style sprawling cities found in entries such as Most Wanted. In fact, this is one of the most "simmy" NFS offerings in recent memory, trying to edge in on the closely guarded market that games such as Forza and the venerable Gran Turismo inhabit. Indications as such include the green-yellow-red racing line, driver levels, dedicated races such as manufacturer races and car rivalries, and penalties for cutting portions of the track, on which we shall expound a bit more later. All these elements add up to a rich, if slightly confused buffet table of racing goodness. The game starts out using one of the more recent overused tricks of game design, and one that EA has used in previous NFS offerings to great effect. You get to race one race with a nice, highly tuned race car just to get a taste of what's on offer before the game strips you back down to an entry level car and forces you to build your cars up to something resembling a competent racer. In the eloquent words of one of my friends, "It's a total dicktease."

The crux of the game hinges on you working your way up through several race tiers en-route to the ultimate goal, the NFS World Cup. Yeah, I know, creative name isn't it? They couldn't spend five minutes coming up with a name like The Super Circuit World Cup Finals, The Pakalolo International Championships, or even Mr. Speedybritches Trophy Winnin' Race Thingy. One thing's for sure, I'd totally wear that last one on a t-shirt. As you work your way up through the tiers, you will accrue more cash to buy cars and upgrades, and you will also improve your driver level, which will also bestow sponsorship bonuses, new race series, and unlocks for parts, cars, and visual upgrades. Forza did this first, but NFS: Shift actually does up the ante by making the driver levels easier to achive and more dynamic. Instead of getting a set number of points for completing a race, you get points through your driving, and if you really tear things up on the track, you get more points, thus increasing your driver level faster. Racking up big points in a race also translates in many cases to obtaining stars, which, much like every Mario game released since the N64, allow you to unlock and graduate to higher levels of play. The ever important stars in NFS can be obtained through a variety of methods. In addition to the already revealed race point thresholds, stars are given for podium finishes (come in first, second or third and get an equivalent number of stars), achieving a race landmark (hold the race line for a certain amount of time or go faster than a certain speed for example), or finishing a lap under a specified time limit. Once you collect enough stars, new races and race tiers are unlocked. Mario would be jealous.
As mentioned somewhere up above, the selection of cars that facilitate you getting to the NFS World Cup is wide ranging, and at times doesn't make a whole lot of sense. In the lowest tiers, you'll find all-purpose street legal stock vehicles such as Honda S2000's and Chevy Cobalts, which I think has appeared in more recent racing games than any other car. As you move up in tiers, the cars on offer will begin to be Porches and BMWs, well known staples of real life circuit racing. The highest tiers are where the true envy machines lie, including The Bugatti Veyron and the so-awesome-I-need-to-go-take-a-shower-because-that-car-looks-like-a-stealth-fighter-with-wheels Lamborghini Reventon. No joke, I'm not the kind of guy to have unobtainable dream cars for his computer wallpaper, but the Lamborghini Reventon makes me begin to reconsider that stance. But I digress.

The cars in question all handle differently, although having played more than my fair share of sim racers, there is still a very pronounced taste of arcade action to the cars. If you turn all the driving assists on, all you have to do is keep the gas pedal pegged and steer, and even then, the game tries to help you negotiate tough corners. Turn all the assists off and you'll swear the track is made of glass coated in baby oil. Fail to control your car means you go slipping off the track into the dirt, and in addition to losing a few slots in the standings, the game engine may just turn its Sauron-like flaming eye of hate on you and ding you for cutting the track. Confused? Allow me to explain. NFS: Shift being a sim-type of racing game, and borrowing many conventions from real life circuit racing, it will penalize you for trying to cut sections of track in order to gain the advantage. This is reasonable, since some of the s-curves or tighter turns can be shortened or sped through unfairly if you just take the track out of the equation and skim along the dirt berms. What sucks though is that many times, the game engine is unsure what constitutes track-cutting and what doesn't, and more than a few times, I've been knocked off of a straightaway by an overzealous computer driver and when I veered back onto the track as quickly as possible to resume racing like an upstanding, rule-abiding citizen, the game told me I had been cheating and penalized me. Other times I actually did cut the track in a move designed to cheat and the game said nothing. Cut the track too many times and you can even get disqualified from a race, so it's kind of a big deal if the game can't tell what's cheating and what's not.
If that's not enough, here's the truly great part: the game wants you to drive like a douchebag. While other racing sims may turn a blind eye, or maintain the motto "Rubbin' ain't racin'", NFS: Shift goes entirely the other direction and actually encourages you to race like an asshole. Use that guy ahead of you on a curve to slow down from 100,000 MPH to 40? Twenty points. Sideswipe that dude as you overtake him? Ten points. Spin homeboy off the road completely? Hundred and fifty points, great work bro! Don't get me wrong here, I think it's just peachy that a game has finally given me some reward for fighting back against computer controlled racers, but the entire game as a whole begins to look a bit two-faced. On the one hand, it adheres to this strict but inconsistently enforced rule of staying on the track, on the other hand, annihilating your opponent is fair game, even if they get punked twice, once by you pushing them off the track which is bad enough, and again when they get penalized for "cutting" the track. It's unfortunate, because I want to be excited about a mechanic that allows me to race the way I want to, and allows me to build up this virtual driving style that becomes known to the computer racers, but the knowledge that a single slip up or unfair bump by another racer can cost me the entire race tempers that happiness, and prevents the gameplay from really reaching a higher echelon of bliss. I understand the whole "turnabout is fair play" concept; but turnabout would be even fairer if I wasn't constantly peeking out from under the looming fear of the game's wrath. The player losing because they screwed up is one thing, the player losing because the game is an idiot is another thing entirely.

Graphics/Sound
The graphics are really, really pretty, the vehicle models are well done and when paired with some good hardware they look fantastic. The tracks are all very nice, with lots of people standing on the sidelines, waving flags, jumping up and down, and basically making everything that much more immersive. Hay bales, tires, cones, and other barriers and props are all freestanding and tumble realistically when you hit them. Particle and lighting effects are cool, dust kicked up when someone goes off the track is soft and voluminous, vehicle reflections are sharp and detailed and lens flare, while a tad bit overused at times is a great effect, particularly during replays, which really highlight the cinematic quality of the game. The car cockpits are absolutely stunning, each one is different and all of them are exquisitely detailed, even elements such as labels on the windshield wiper stalk and contrast stitching on the upholstery are amazing, and add a great deal to the car. In this game, the bar for graphics has been set very high. The only drawback to this is that you had better have a beefy system to push all those polygons. If you have a sub-par graphics chip, expect the game to bog at even the lowest graphics settings. Some track elements are a bit lacking, such as distant hills or whatnot, and sometimes object clip onto one another, but such shortcomings are few and far between. One of the greatest effects in the game, and I mean greatest in the definition of a royal title, as in undefeatable, is the visual effects when you engage in a particularly hard crash. Your vision blurs, goes black and white (or even red), you become disoriented and your point of view lolls uncontrollably about the car. I've been privy to a few injurious moments in my life, and this game has the sensation of getting rocked to the core down pat. When I crash into a wall at 200MPH in this game, I feel like I just got hit, and it has a similarly debilitating effect on my concentration as I try to recover. The only drawback I can see to such a graphically rich game are the load times. They are hideous. Level loads can take literally minutes to complete, but what's even worse is the wait time as the game loads new cars in the garage or car selection screens...waits can be as long as 15 seconds just to see a new car! I was always under the impression that hard drives loaded information much faster than discs, but somehow EA proved me wrong. So remember, when you've got your adrenaline up and are just coming off the high from finishing first in that really difficult race in the series, you'll have plenty of time to calm down. Get used to seeing this:
The sounds are pretty good, the sound design screams a well-funded budget, and there's a ton of Transformers-esque flanged out sound effects. The voice-over of your crew chief is well done, even if the guy never says anything particularly helpful or relevant. The car noises and other ambient effects are...well, perhaps I've got a bad sound card or something, but I've heard better sound effects. Many of the engine sounds seem as if they were recorded a little too close to the microphone, as they sound a bit blown out and flat. Many of the engine effects simply sound like one sample that's been pitch modulated, which whisks me right back to memories of NFS II and having to manually configure my old Soundblaster 16 card. For some reason I would have expected more progress in sound design in 15 years of the franchise. Again, it could be my sound card, but it works just fine sound-wise for about a zillion other games, so who knows, perhaps EA has something against less than bleeding-edge tech.

Story
It's a racing game, so a full, meaty story isn't really high on the list of absolutes. It's my humble belief that many game developers like racing games because, aside from a certain number that actually do have deep storylines, the racing genre really saves on having to hire scriptwriters. This game kinda-sorta has a story, in the same way margarine is kinda-sorta the same as butter. Your ultimate goal is to get to the NFS World Cup, and there are some named rivals out there who want to make your life miserable, there's a lot of your Crew chief telling you how awesome the NFS World Cup will be, and his words are just hungry enough to make you start to believe he's only doing this for himself, and you are as much a tool to his ascension as is the cars you drive. But aside from some slick narrated cut scenes of cars racing, crashing, and apparently disintegrating into snazzy pinstripes, the story is largely nil. Just goes to show, if you want a story, play an RPG.

Beer
I'm just going to get this out of the way, because it's important: This beer sucks. Oh sure, it tastes really good and smells great and stuff, but none of that is worth the suffering I had to endure to enjoy it.

Let me start from the beginning...Blue Moon Belgian White (from now on referred to as Blue Moon because it's the biggest words on the label) tastes rather nice, with a mild bite and a smooth consistent tickling taste. There are definitely hints of citrus and a subtle sweetness that hits all the right spots whether it is being sipped or chugged. There is a light, beery aftertaste, one that sticks with you until the next sip but isn't nasty or annoying and helps to accent any food you might pair with it. The carbonation is full, but not overwhelming or explosive, making drinking this beer a cool, refreshing sensation. The beer avoids the trap of most light brews, and doesn't try to hard to be everything to everyone, making it a satisfying and unique entry in a pretty crowded market. The sensation of the liquid as it goes down is smooth but just a smidgen thicker than most beers, making it actually feel satisfying to drink. The smell is clean and citrus-y, making one want to close their eyes and inhale deeply, savoring the perfume of this wonderful brew. The odors tease the olfactory senses in much the same way a high maintenance prom date may be prone to teasing her male accompaniment, playfully and without a hint of regret. Everything about this beverage makes a statement of self-confidence, from the custom molded brown glass bottle and black and blue woodcut label art, all the way down to the taste, consistency, and smell of the brew itself. The 5.4 percent alcohol even gives a nice quick drunk, ramping up predictably as more is imbibed, culminating in a nice sleepy feeling that puts one to bed long before they drink too much. The whirlies are obvious but not overly pronounced, impairing concentration and coordination in subtle, amusing ways. Blue Moon even passes my special, secret Englishman test with flying colors. Truly, if this review ended here, Blue Moon would have vaulted itself into my top five, usurping one of my old favorites with little effort. Unfortunately for New Moon however, the review doesn't stop until I say it stops.

I'm no stranger to beer and its effect on the human body and mind. Any alcoholic beverage will by its very nature alter the body's chemistry and the brain's operation. Alcohol is classified-among other things-as both a poison and a drug and anyone who stayed awake in third grade knows that poisons are, as a rule, bad for you. Now, I've never tried to ingest arsenic, cyanide, or any other known poison, but I'll be the first to state that were there a sliding scale on toxicity, Blue Moon would be edging out ricin in the "Oh my god my vital organs are failing" category. Not even Corona Extra on a serious 24-pack binge has done to me what Blue Moon did to me. Blue Moon ruined my shit, in every sense of the word. I nosedived into bed early that night, slept like a stone, and woke up late the next morning with an urgent need to get to the bathroom in a frighteningly short time frame. Once I got there, I spent entirely way too much time suffering at the fermented hands of the Blue Moon Brewing Company. I spent half the day with a headache, an upset stomach, and a roll of toilet paper duct-taped to my hand. And this was after only two beers!!! My mind recoils and my bowels shudder at the thought of what the entire six-pack would have done to me...I would probably be in a light coma, happily shitting the bed as my body convulsed in a cold sweat. To wit: this beer really hurts, and there is nothing I would like less than to have to subject myself to its wrath again. To any international secret agents that may be interested in capturing me and getting me to divulge any secrets I might know, save yourselves the trouble of having to beat me up or run electrical current through me, just wave a cold bottle of Blue Moon under my nose, I'll tell you everything I know. I really cannot stress this enough, I'd rather drink Earthquake or Joose or even Thunderbird than have to ever, ever drink Blue Moon ever again, it just tastes so good, the torture afterward is magnified exponentially as a result.

The Matchup
Need For Speed: Shift and Blue Moon both follow a predictable pattern. Both are properties that have had their surface qualities polished to a blinding sheen, no matter the cost of their fundamentals or what condition they leave their user in after consumption. In the case of NFS, the graphics and slick presentation rests upon a cobbled up framework of gameplay that isn't bad, and at times can be great, but ultimately fails to maintain that high ideal and can leave a player feeling empty when the intersecting parts inevitably fail to mesh perfectly. In the case of Blue Moon, the business of drinking this beer is so good, that one won't realize until it's a tad too late that all that great taste and smell is hanging from underpinnings of what can only be described as deadly nightshade, and after a few rapid fire trips to the bathroom, will leave the drinker feeling empty. Just because that water at the bottom of the cliffs is pretty, doesn't mean it's deep enough to dive into.

Cheers/Game on.

Torchlight/New Belgium 1554 Enlightened Black Ale

2009-11-23T00:15:00.000-06:00

Game: Torchlight, Runic Games, 2009, PC
Beer: New Belgium 1554 Enlightened Black Ale, 12 fl.oz., 5.5% abv
# of beers consumed during play:4
Level Reached: 12th floor
Level of Intoxication: Woozy

Game
Okay, I'll just go ahead and put this out there, if you liked Diablo, even the slightest bit, and found yourself lamenting the end of the two games and one expansion that's been released so far, get Torchlight, it will rekindle your love for Diablo and provide an excellent stop-gap between the old Diablos and the pending release of Diablo III. On the other hand, if you are a Diablo devotee, storing such knowledge as what or who a Horadric Cube is, what bearing angry cows have to do with the Diablo universe, and which item colors correspond to what level of rarity, you should be currently in the process of purchasing this game at this very second. If, by some chance you are the reason Diablo Anonymous exists and the sound of a trap being sprung in Diablo makes you wince, you've probably beaten Torchlight three times over already and the shakes are already setting back in.

Gameplay
As you might have ascertained from the preceding paragraph, Torchlight is based heavily on the framework of Diablo, and when I say based heavily, I mean someone found a way to directly copy everything that made a popular game successful without getting sued for copyright infringement. The games are so similar in fact that if I went about enumerating all the parallels between the two pieces of software, this review would be about ten pages long. I'll just hit the major points of Torchlight, and if any Diablo fans hear something familiar, they can raise their hands. It's not my fault if all the blood runs out of your arm and it goes numb.

You, as either a warrior, a mage, or a chick who is apparently a wicked shot with flintlock weapons, explore dungeons and defeat hordes of enemies, all while searching for treasure, finding secret rooms, and avoiding traps along the way. New weapons and armor can be bought from the town merchant, but the best ones are always as loot drops when fighting unique enemies. Your character has two hot-swappable sets of weapon slots, and an inventory that always seems to get full right before you come across the unique dungeon master with all the rare loot drops. Fear not though, as you have scrolls of Town Portal whereby you can quickly return to town to offload your items and completed quests before jumping right back to where you were in the dungeon. Chests, barrels, and urns abound, and many are booby-trapped, adding a further level of complexity and difficulty to simply collecting treasure. Traps include hidden enemies, fireballs, poison clouds, and explosions. At periodic points in the dungeon, you'll run across shrines which fill your health, mana, or other attributes, and as a general rule appear most often when you really don't need them. Bosses punctuate the dungeon at set intervals, after which there is a waygate that allows you to easily progress from that point without having to waste precious town portals. Many items you pick up will be unidentified, with which you'll have to use an identify scroll before selling or using it. Many items are also socketed, and you can use gems of varying quality to enhance the properties of such items. Of course, why sticking jewelry into a hole in your sword suddenly makes it cause fire damage is a bit beyond me, but hey...whatever, at least you'll look fabulous as you strike down the undead hordes. Periodically, characters will give you new quests to complete, which net you experience and fame. Leveling up is a simple affair, when it happens you'll spend 5 attribute points on yourself and one for any skills you suddenly find yourself in need of. I swear to God I was describing Torchlight right there.
Torchlight does have some features that do set it apart however. An interesting and very, very welcome addition to Torchlight is your pet. Every character has a pet with them at all times, this pet goes beyond being an eating/shitting machine and actually has an inventory. You can place items you pick up into this inventory at any time, freeing up more slots in your own bag for more loot. The best part of your pet though is that when its inventory becomes full, you can hit a button and they will automatically go to town to sell anything you've given them, coming back after a time with gold. This mechanic theoretically allows you to quest without pause, consuming your ever-shortening mortal days with a seamless, unending mission to clear out every corner of the subterranean mines. Aside from being a poor simple pack mule-lest you've gotten the wrong impression-your pet also helps you by attacking enemies, and can even turn into different and useful creatures temporarily with the help of different fish that you can either catch in a fishing hole or that you can find as treasure. Each different form has strengths and weaknesses and all are cooler than the kid down the block in the neighborhood you grew up in who had an NES Advantage stick, R.O.B., and The Powerglove. Man, that kid was such a dick.
In addition to the main dungeon and its many levels, there are a few side-quests that can be embarked upon. One set of sidequests take place through a man who sends you through portals in search of some specific trinket of value. You bring back whatever it is he asks for and he'll not only reward you with gold, experience and fame, but he'll allow you to keep anything you find during your search. Also, during your main quest, you may see a ghostly animal called a phase beast, if you do, KILL THAT BITCH!!! Upon its death it will turn into a portal that will take you to special treasure rooms filled with assloads of gold and unique weapons and armor. Definitely not to be missed, particularly if you happen to like things like tons of loot and rare, very powerful weapons.

Graphics/Sound
Torchlight was designed from the ground up to be playable on very low-end hardware, it even has a tick-box in the graphics options called Netbook mode. This alone, while limiting the high end of the graphics engine, is so awesome that I'm having trouble articulating myself. The fact that such an intensely outstanding game was created to be able to play on just about anything with a keyboard and a color display shows that the creative team behind this game were actually thinking about what kind of people like to play these kinds of games and when. While the graphics may not be quite up to Crysis standards, they are still clean and crisp, and with even middling hardware, can be turned all the way up, making for a very pretty game. Particle effects in this game never cease to amaze me, being smoother, clearer and more beautiful than even some high end triple-A titles. The art direction in the game is extremely clean and focused, leading me to believe that Runic Games found a way to genetically splice all the world's greatest artists together and then teach the resultant clone how to use a computer. No two floors of the dungeon look alike, and all the characters have a cartoony, exaggerated style that makes romping through the game a joy. It's like playing a cartoon, one with blood and demons and abominations from hell. So in many ways it's very much like Nick Jr.
The sound...hmmm...Well, let me put it this way, the same guy that did music for Diablo came and did music for Torchlight, and it shows...in fact it doesn't just show, it jumps out of the screen and bludgeons you to death with a 12-string guitar. Case in point: remember the theme to the entire first act in Diablo II? Well so does the guy who wrote it and when he went to work at Relic Games, it was apparently stuck in his head because the theme for the entire game of Torchlight is so similar to that of Diablo II's that at first I thought it was just a remix. Good? Bad? That's not for me to decide. Other sounds follow a similar pattern. Gems have that same ring when manipulated, and scrolls and spells also make nearly identical sounds as the Diablo series. Even some sound cues are the same, albeit with different actual sounds. When you can't carry anything else, your hero says, "My inventory is full" or some variant thereof. One thing I did grow sort of fond of soundwise was the narrator, a wizened old voice that chimes in during cut scenes and when something significant happens ingame. One of the things you will hear this disembodied voice say often is some form of "You have sprung a trap!" which he utters with just the right amount of glibness. If one didn't know any better one would say he enjoys seeing you hurt yourself. The sounds of the monsters is wonderful. The shamblers in particular creep me out something fierce. The sound as a whole? Some parts original foley, some parts seemingly resampled from the original Diablo series, all good.

Story
Torchlight is the name of a small mining town that has settled at the head of a huge vein of ore known as Ember. Ember is an element with magical properties and in classic fantasy setting, this causes monsters to be everywhere. You have just arrived in town, looking for fortune, adventure, and possibly a place to lay low and cook meth, the game doesn't really elaborate. What you do find out soon enough though is that people have gone into the Ember mine and have not come out, and the town is quickly being sieged by creepy-crawlies, and for pretty much no reason, all the townspeople want you to go in and figure out what's going on even though they don't know you from Adam. They probably don't run credit checks on potential tenants either. So, likely seeking a place to set up your drug lab, you go into the mine and soon find out things are a little crazier than originally thought. It's a bit cliche and a bit hackneyed, but still, the story is executed very well and is meted out in doses small and meaty enough to keep you wanting more.

Beer
New Belgium 1554 Enlightened Black Ale...good Goddamn that's a lot to say. From now on, this shit is called 1554, that's its new name, even if they have twenty other beers that they call "1554 Blah Blah Blah Whatever" this beer is 1554. Because I said so. Despite it's ridiculously long name, 1554 is actually a really, really good beer. I wish I would have tried it sooner but unfortunately, good beer usually costs a lot, and up until recently I couldn't even afford a little. Well, even a wino will find himself sipping bourbon once in a while, and thankfully this time, my excursion to the store yielded positive results, even if the store is still selling Jack's Pumpkin Spiced Ale. The packaging and bottles have a distinct class to them, the bottles in particular. Dark brown glass, with a custom shape and design definitely causes this beer to stand out among others in a lineup. Perhaps not as much as Grolsch and their swing-top bottles, but still, everything from the bottles on down to the labels and bottlecaps are characteristic. For some reason, these aesthetic touches seem to lend a certain atmosphere of legitimacy to the entire business of drinking. This would be the kind of brew you would order at a nice restaurant, and would have no qualms about drinking in front of your wife's parents, if such situations were to apply to you. This beer is good enough to pair with food and not feel snobbish about doing so.

At any rate, 1554 being a dark beer, it has the natural roasted, coffee taste. This is not a bad thing, particularly if your proclivities range into the darker brews as a matter of course. If you love and drink Guinness, this beer will please and satisfy. There is a definite sour tang to the affair, which deepens the more you drink, but never gets overwhelming or unsavory. The aftertaste is strong, as can be expected, but again, doesn't go overboard. 1554 even tastes good at room temperature, making me think the English may be onto something after all. Then again they're English, they say things like "bollocks" and "bloody hell" and have bad teeth and drive on the wrong side of the road. Of course, us Americans are crass, loud, and ignorant, and most of us are fat, so I guess everything evens out in the end. Where was I? Oh yeah. New Belgium isn't a Belgian or even British brewery, their contact info lists them as being in Colorado. So apparently I've found an American beer that tastes like an import, and I bet if I go to a bar, it'll be charged like an import too. Bastards.

The smell is tart and full of different odors. Some of the notes include grain which is most prevalent, the aforementioned roasted flavor, some oaky, darker hints and a wee tiny bit of chocolate swimming around in there somewhere. The nice thing is that the smell doesn't overwhelm. Much like the rest of this beer, it is subtle and nicely balanced, allowing the beer to have a captivating aroma which complements the taste nicely.

1554 has a very full body, it's not too carbonated, but the beer is definitely thicker than any light lager, and almost gives the venerable Guinness a run for its money in the thickness department. It is a slight bit more effervescent than other darks, but the bubbles are tame, and know their place, not foaming up unnecessarily or bloating the drinker from the inside. The 5.5 alcohol content is also nice, somewhat above average, and bearing an intoxication which comes on easy, sits nicely for a while and leaves just as peacefully. The whirls this beer gives are light and clumsy, with no anger or aggression to be found. All in all, 1554 is a great beer that really deserves more attention, particularly since it's a brew domestic to the U.S.

The Matchup
So, at the end of the day, what do we take away from all this? Well, that largely unknown properties can not only surprise, but stupify and amaze as well. In the case of Torchlight, a no-name developer has come out with a game that isn't known for having huge production values, isn't a new concept in any meaning of the word, isn't geared up to have the greatest graphics or marketing, and still manages to steal my leisure time away from wholly more expensive and high profile games on a near nightly basis. In the case of 1554, a beer I've never heard of, which sits quietly and inconspicuously on a a store shelf, bought through pure happenstance is now perched firmly in my top 5 beers. It is so full of flavor and character that I'm almost ashamed of myself for not discovering it sooner. Both 1554 and Torchlight prove that wondrous treasures can be found in the most unlikely of places.

Cheers/Game on.

Dragon Age: Origins/Corona Extra

2009-11-14T21:45:00.000-06:00

Game: Dragon Age: Origins, Bioware, 2009, PC
Beer: Corona Extra, 12 fl.oz., 4.6% abv
# of beers consumed during play: 6
Level Reached: 8th level
Level of Intoxication: Woozy

Game
Dragon Age: Origins occupies a very rarefied territory, it is a game that is designed from the ground up to literally simulate another world, one that exists not to be won or lost-not expressly anyways-but to be explored. This emphasis on exploration and interaction in a large, rich world with many varied non-player-characters (NPCs) is in stark contrast to most of the other modern games occupying retail shelves. Many gamers are content to voluntarily limiting their interaction with the other critters and people in games to weighing them down with high-velocity pieces of lead, and while this has a noble place in its own right, it should not be the only recourse in a virtual world. Perhaps this is my lone dissent in a sea of popular opinion, but while I like busting a cap in an ass as a form of communication as much as the next guy, there are times at which I would like to use wit, charm and cunning to solve conflict instead. Thankfully, there is someone who feels as I do and has invested a great deal of time and money to see that my niche is fulfilled. The most recent example of this is Bioware's Dragon Age: Origins.

Gameplay
Dragon Age: Origins (referred to as Dragon Age or just DA from here on out), is an interesting mix. It's made by the same guys who cranked out Mass Effect, and uses many of the same gameplay conventions. Returning in spectacular form are the rich, meaningful dialogue trees, the character creator, the branching sidequests, and the romantic options. Also returning from Mass Effect, but not quite as spectacular is the slightly clunky pseudo-realtime combat, a labored control scheme, and very limited world interaction. As I started playing DA, trying to settle comfortably into the game world and trying to fit into the character I had created, I mistakenly likened the game to Oblivion, since both shared a few small elements of similarity. The setting was familiar, as was the character creation process, and the fighting, while quite a bit less realtime than Oblivion, was also reminiscent. My erroneous comparison began to nag at me and before I had even gotten out of the origin story, I was getting a full-on hankering for Oblivion, and promptly installed it and forgot all about Dragon Age. Sounds like a problem with Dragon Age doesn't it? Well, it isn't. It was a problem with me. Once I had played a bit of Oblivion, I allowed myself to reflect on the true differences between the two games, and found that the games were very different from one another, and even if they did have some small facets that mirrored one another, DA was most definitely not an Oblivion clone, and stood quite well on its own merits. With this personal revelation now in hand, I gave myself a couple quiet nights to get back into Dragon Age, and before long, much like a careless fighter pilot around his jet's intakes, I was sucked in.

Once you finish the origin story portion of the game, which will take between one and three hours, depending on how deliberate/attentive/obtuse you are, the game proper starts, at which point you realize shit just got real and in the blink of an eye, you actually start to care about this universe and your place in it. I found my preferred method of dealing with situations was talking, followed by a healthy dose of sword sandwich when civil discourse proved fruitless. The nice thing about DA (and Mass Effect for anyone who hasn't played that yet), is that if you properly gear your character as such, talking is actually a great way to resolve conflict, in some cases earning you greater rewards than simply hacking everyone to bits and raiding their corpses. Of course, the game isn't going to just let you sweet talk your way through everything, so it's best to have a backup plan which involves being skilled with steel or magic. When all else fails, the best course of action is still to deadify bitches, a useful and important life lesson.
Speaking of bitches, as you continue on your quest, you will invariably pick up fellow adventurers, whether through your own choice or because the game forces them on you. One such adventurer is a witch who goes by the name Morrigan, but who my wife and I instantly began referring to as "Boobs". Boobs will prove to be a constant thorn in just about any player's side, with the possible exception of Hitler, because if you try to do anything even remotely noble, she will belt out a snide remark and you will lose favor with her. The problem with losing favor with her is that favor determines how strong in combat she is, and if it dips low enough, she may actually even abandon you. This is a problem if you've spent half the game building Boobs up to be this terrifying, unstoppable mage and all of a sudden you rescue one too many kittens out of a tree and she deserts you. Every character in your party has this favor meter, and it goes up and down depending on your actions and that particular character's personality. Most of the time doing good things will keep people happy and in your party, but this angers Boobs, and lest you think you will just balance it out with doing a bad thing here or there, no luck, since she also seems to hate being bad, and will still give you shit about it. The few good reasons to try and keep her happy is she is quite powerful, and the snarky back-and-forth dialogue between her and Alistair is absolutely hilarious. That and she wears skimpy clothes.

You can have four people in your party, including you, and you can take control of any one of them at any time and level them up or outfit them as you wish. Each character has their own strengths and weaknesses, and part of the deeper appeal of this game is the ability to recognize those attributes and build a strong party around them. The game does a very nice job of making working with stats and other data easy, while not dumbing it down too far. When you look at your inventory, weapons and armor will pop-up with their attributes as well as a pop-up right next to it showing the attributes of what you have equipped, making it easy to tell at a glance if a particular item will help or hinder your character. The game is full of little touches like this, making it stand out among its competitors as one that has been carefully thought through.

One of the most interesting and useful aspects of DA is the fact that you can pause combat at any time, zoom out to an overhead perspective, and assign tasks to each party member at your leisure, which they will gleefully (or in the case of Boobs, begrudgingly) carry out as soon as you unpause the game. This has appeared in older party-based RPGs and seeing it make a comeback is quite welcome, particularly in later levels where the enemies are more powerful and force the player to find and exploit the minuscule cracks in their defense. On the higher difficulty levels, this feature is absolutely essential since area-of-effect spells can and will do damage to everyone, including friends, so devising a coherent battlefield strategy is paramount. This feature also brings to light (and partially addresses) one of the game's shortcomings, the ally's AI. While you can set default ally behavior through tactical slots, most of the time when a battle starts the AI will seem to fall back upon the instruction set called "Everyone fight willy-nilly." and before you know it, the screen looks like a Roman orgy with arms, legs and splintmail armor all flailing about wildly. This behavior can be corralled with judicious use of tactical slots and the RTS-like ability to pause and assign tasks at will, but still, when Boobs stands back and blasts you and Alistair with an AOE spell for the hundredth time, you'll start to suspect it isn't accidental.
Graphics/Sound
The graphics are quite wonderful, making very nice use of all the latest tricks and techniques. Shaders factor heavily into all things, and can make a rock or sword look positively captivating. The character designs are quite good and it's readily apparent that the graphics artists put a lot of time and effort into the armor and weapons of the game.

Facial expressions of characters have a great deal of nuance and subtlety, making the snide comments Boobs delivers even more potent. Lips match spoken dialogue pretty well, even though there is the occasional moment where I suddenly feel as if I'm playing a poorly dubbed Chinese Kung-fu flick. Lighting effects and shadows are very well done, but for some reason, I feel like I've seen better particle effects elsewhere. Not that they don't get the job done, it's just that they seem a bit hurried and flat, and with so many other pretty things going on, the lackadaisical particle effects stand out a bit more than they normally would.

Character animation is quite good, making many motions seem natural. Animation tweening is used to great effect, making sure that your character transitions smoothly from sword strike to shield bash to get hit by Boobs's frost spell and die animations.

One thing that kind of bothers me is that the artists for Bioware seem like they are hired right out of middle school since many of the female character meshes were built from the ground up to be as scantily dressed as possible. I submit this next picture not to offend or try to garner undue attention, but only in the interest of full disclosure...Okay, moving right along.

The sound in this game is well done, keeping pace with the graphics quite well. Spoken dialogue is well acted and clear, particularly Alistair's dialogue. Subtle, witty and perfectly inflected, his speech makes me feel as though I truly have a wiseacre sidekick with whom I'm going to save the world. In a similar vein, clash of steel and magical effects are nicely suited to the action, helping to immerse the player in the situation at hand. Even the menu effects and incidental game sounds are such that they subtly contribute to the game as a whole, making the entire experience seem that much more cohesive.

The music quickly and unequivocally recalls the Lord of the Rings movie trilogy, complete with sinister horns and deep pounding drums. The score is flat and heavy, and when paired with many of the game's visual horrors, particularly dirty, battle ready demons clamoring out of the dirt, fits the game like a glove.

One thing that stood out to me most of all about the sound was the ambient noise. The background chatter was so rich, detailed and well mixed that as I played with headphones on, more than a few times I tore my headphones off, sure that I had heard someone asking me something when it was merely background chatter among the villagers ingame. Similarly, in battle sequences, tortured screams and warcries from elsewhere on the map would drift to me and chill my bones. I'm not sure if the ambient stuff was done outside or in a sound studio, but how ever the effect was achieved, it's sublime. Hats off to the game's foley artists.

Story
Well firstly, considering there is a different sub-plot depending on which of the numerous origins you chose during character creation, and the fact that the outcome of countless story elements depend on what you do and say in the game, I have to just go ahead and say such hard work blows my skirt up. Like, way up...we're talking Marilyn Monroe standing over a solid fuel rocket booster.
To summarize the story, an evil army known as the Darkspawn gets their hackles up every few hundred years and decide the bowels of the earth are a bit too confining. Led by someone called the Archdemon, they surface and start tearing the land of the living apart en masse in an occurance known as The Blight (I'm glossing over some important details here, to save on spoilers...who says I can't be nice?). You happen to get snared into fighting this bunch of ragamuffins, and before you know it, not only are you busting undead skulls, but you find yourself entrenched in a socio-political war amongst many different factions. Basically Tom Clancy meets J.R.R. Tolkien. Not too shabby in my humble estimation.

The real excitement comes when you beat the game and realize you can do it all over again, only this time...evil.

Beer
In my last review I mentioned Corona with salt and lime, the mention of which has haunted me all week with a naked desire to indulge my senses in what is one of my favorite beers. Interestingly enough, I've never taken the time to really analyze what it is about a cold Corona that vaults it into my fave five and so this particular review is as much a journey of discovery as any of my experiences with something I've only tried for the first time. I can't bring myself to recall the first time I ever had a Corona, but I doubt it was so good that I suddenly swore off gambling, women, and other beers in deference to its superior body and flavor. Instead, I think this beer snuck into my upper echelon through a combination of wide availability and the fact that it has been present during some truly good times, gatherings of good friends, and all around personally enriching experiences. Of course-and this might be the placebo effect talking-but it ain't a bad beer to boot. Perhaps it's important to mention that nearly everyone I've ever had along to drink with has been familiar with Corona, and very few shun it out of distaste. As far as the pantheon of Mexican imports go, it is a virtually uncontested king of the hill, el Budweiser de México as it were. So if nothing else, it has pure omnipresence working for it, which isn't a bad way to start.

Omnipresence notwithstanding, this isn't a bad beer by any means, and when combined with judicious applications of fresh limes and salt, this beer goes from "pretty good" to "oh-my-deity-of-choice-I've-died-and-woke-up-as-a-millionaire-pornstar-astronaut." Okay, so maybe not everyone will have that precise experience, but that's really only a yardstick by which to measure one's own personal preference. The point being that Corona is one of those beers that lend itself to an almost alchemical doctoring, and whether straight up or impregnated with one or more flavorful additives, is a beer that lends itself to a wide range of tastes and functions. Serve Corona at your next wedding/Bar Mitzvah/AA meeting and you'll be the talk of the town, I guarantee it. In its pure form, the taste is very bold, with a slight edge of bitterness that goes beyond being an aftertaste and helps it to stand out against other brews of its ilk. The nice thing about this beer's taste is that it finishes cleanly, making it easy and worthwhile to pair it with food, particularly in the burrito or pizza camps.

The smell is actually shocking if you aren't prepared for it, it's very, very sharp, much like Steven Hawking if he were an olfactory trigger (and depending on how many times a week his caregiver gives him a spongebath, he may already be one.) The odor is so prevalent in fact, that some may think their beer is tainted, or otherwise be turned off from the drink. Fortunately, the smell, while stronger than a Robocop/Lou Ferrigno cocktail, is not indicative of the beer's taste, and much like the above-mentioned Robocop/Lou Ferrigno combination is simply there because it has nowhere else to go. Don't be afraid of it, it won't hurt you, unless you mention it never had a chance against Arnold Schwarzenegger in the 1974 Mr. Olympia competition.

Interestingly, this beer is pretty damn bubbly, but unlike other champagne beers, I can chug this stuff down with carefree impunity. It doesn't explode in the mouth nor does it expand in the stomach and while I do get a fairly intense burp session afterward, they aren't the acrid, nosehair-singeing, nuclear fallout burps I typically get from slamming a few beers. In a similar vein, the intoxication Corona offers isn't the stumbling, ridiculous, painful drunk that I've experienced with other alcohols. The 4.6% alcohol content helps keep things on an even keel while still delivering the desired buzz. The fact I only reached Woozy status is as much a comment on the beer's ability as it was at my playtime. I spread my six beers out over roughly four hours of game, meaning even though I would pause the game periodically to drink greedily from the chilled bottle in front of me, the extended period of time in which this occurred all but guaranteed I wouldn't be breaching the vomit threshold. One thing that is notable however is that the following day, I noticed my morning sabbatical was...less than ideal. In that regard then, Corona is pure Mexico through and through, no other beer has the ability to turn my body into a machine which dispenses concentrated evil at such a magnitude. I'm not slandering the quality of the ingredients at all mind you, it's not as if we're talking about bad water or anything like that. It's just something about the beer lends itself sublimely to the well known and much feared beer shits, markedly more so than other beers. Not that I'm trying to gross a reader out or anything, I'm just giving fair warning to anyone interested in trying Corona. In short: beer good but make poopie bad.

The Matchup
Well, this long-ass review has finally drawn close to its conclusion. Thank God. What have we learned in the meantime? Well, the game and beer here went surprisingly well together, and I enjoyed both greatly. Dragon Age: Origins requires a significant investment of time and self in order to truly appreciate, and due to its nature will not appeal to everyone. But for those so inclined, this game offers a rich and hearty stew of gameplay, sure to nourish. Corona Extra on the other hand is much easier on the user, it is accessible, broadly appealing, and rewards in swift fashion. The fact that these two items are so fundamentally different, and yet are both so good, stands as proof that variety may truly be the spice of life.

Cheers/Game on.

Galaga/Bud Light Lime

2009-11-07T17:33:00.000-06:00

Game: Galaga, Namco, 1981, Arcade
Beer: Bud Light Lime, 12 fl.oz., 4.2% abv
# of beers consumed during play:4
Level Reached: 15th level
Level of Intoxication: Woozy

Game
When I was but a youth, haunting arcades in much the same manner as a felony conviction haunts a prospective employee, one game I would always play if given the chance was Galaga. Most every arcade had at least one Galaga machine tucked away, waiting silently for someone to drop in a quarter and transport themselves to a universe where stars flash in rainbow colors, enemies line up like a school marching band, and the player's ship only shoots two shots at a time. I always kept a couple quarters on hand for this game, ready to get my shmup on as soon as I saw the green and white sideart.

Gameplay
The premise of Galaga is simple, clear each wave of enemies in order to progress to the next. Of course, this single-sentence description belies the complexity and addictive qualities this game posseses. The difficulty curve is steady and honed to a razor's edge. Instead of coddling players, it introduces the enemies, gives about .0025 seconds to get a handle on the gameplay and then plunges the joystick jockey into a world of insect-shaped divebombing aliens, falling missiles, and bright blue tractor beams. This is by no measure a bad thing. As the difficulty ramps up, enemies attempting to turn you into an experiment in pyrotechnics will get steadily craftier and aggressive. The number of baddies assaulting you at one time will also grow denser, until you are weaving shuttlecock-like through a tapestry of silken death. This game having been around for so long, the best players have picked it apart, at times literally bit by bit, and while the information borne of those travels isn't so much strategy as "don't get hit," it is still interesting and at times invaluable. An example in this regard would be the venerable tractor beam sequences. The four green ships at the very top of the phalanx have the ability to swoop down and activate a tractor beam, stealing the very ship you are piloting.
This causes you to lose a life, and if it happens to be your last ship, you lose the game. Fortunately, in a clever twist, this ship is not permanently lost, doomed to attack its former handlers with mindless verve. If the player has the skill, the gumption, and the marksmanship, they may recapture their lost ship, whereupon it joins with the one currently in play, turning them both into a juggernaut of firepower. The twin ship strategy is extremely potent, and something the more seasoned players do right away. The flipside to this is it makes you twice the target on an already rather small playing field, but hey, nobody said saving the universe was easy, time to man-up.

Of course, wave after wave of alien assault can wear thin, so the designers of Galaga thoughtfully included bonus rounds after every third wave, just to give the player a rest and shake things up a bit. In these bonus rounds, the alien ships can't attack and won't come below the divebomb threshold, so the player is free to shoot all 40 of the wildly dancing alien ships without worry. The ships move in fast, set patterns, making a quick trigger finger and a good memory essential in getting all 40 baddies. The double-ship configuration helps immensely. Getting high marks in the bonus rounds is key to earning extra lives, which are given out at specific point tiers.

Over the years, Galaga has become host to some very interesting tricks, bugs, and other knick-knacks of fun. The three most famous are the No More Bombs trick, the Attract Mode Reset, and my personal favorite...
It should be noted now that Galaga is technically one of those old-school games that never end. Galaga does have a finite number of waves, going as high as 255, but depending on the game settings, will invariably reset right back to level 1, leaving the best players to simultaneously laugh inwardly at their skill and also curse themselves for drinking that Ultra Big Gulp before coming to the arcade. Galaga laughs at your modern games and their silly endings.

Graphics/Sound
Being made in 1981, Galaga isn't so much about graphics or sound as it is about crushing even the best players under an indomitable force of enemy attacks. Still, the graphics are clean, clear, and devilishly immersive. A veteran Galaga player is easy to spot, as soon as he drops that quarter, he settles into his customary gamer's stance and completely blots out the world around him. The deep black background speckled with glowing rainbow stars and the tri-chromatic enemies creates a mesmerizing environment that easily captures one's frontal lobe and refuses to let go.
In cahoots with the simple yet compelling graphics is the sound. A scant few themes and a host of very characteristic beeps and boops make each sound an event and each snatch of music a sublime reward. So unique and well-implemented are the sounds and music that they burn themselves into the brain of their followers. Any Galaga player can recognize any of the game's sounds, in any context, and tell you what they are. I'll remember the sound of a level flag appearing until the day I die.

Story
Galaga existed in a time before videogames were expected to justify their existence. In those days, when arcades were the representations of the zenith of interactive entertainment, the only reason a game needed to exist was that it was fun. They had only slightly more writ story than something along the lines of Parcheesi, and all their energies were dedicated to defeating the player. Galaga's story is thus:

"Shoot the aliens until your fingers bleed and your eyeballs dry out."

I don't profess to be an expert, but that sounds like a winner to me.

Beer
I'll start off by saying that this beer isn't nearly as bad as I've heard, the less than exciting light lager that is Bud Light combines with the not-quite-lime lime flavoring, and ends up being something a bit better than the sum of it's parts. Not much better, but still, I don't hear many people complaining about the sum of sugar, partially hydrogenated oil, and soy lethicin. That's not to say Bud Light Lime tastes better than sugar, partially hydrogenated oil, and soy lethicin, but the point I'm trying to make is that if pressed, I'll admit Bud Light Lime is acceptable as an alcoholic beverage when other primary, secondary, and tertiary choices are unavailable. The problem I see with Bud Light Lime and it's ilk is the fact that somewhere along the line, bars became disinclined to serve beers with accompanying extras. Going to a popular club and ordering a Corona with salt and limes was roughly equivalent an insult to the person tending bar as forcibly violating them with a bowling pin coated in Tabasco sauce. If they did acquiesce to your request it was usually accompanied with an oppressively steep bartab. Seeing a chance to kill two birds with one stone, beer makers began issuing lime, chelada and moosetaint variants in an attempt to keep both niche "extras" drinkers happy, while giving bartenders time to page furiously through their bartender's bible looking for the recipe for the imaginary drink some kid with a fake ID ordered. The problem with this is that this legitemizes the homogenization of drink flavors, and makes omitting or charging extra for such flavor enhancing accoutrements much easier for bar and club owners. It's not that I'm hanging out on my little soapbox, but really, if I'm expected to give 15-20% tips, I expect service that accompanies such gratuities. Also, depending on locale, "moosetaint" may or may not be an actual flavor variant, especially if you tip poorly and the barkeep's name just happens to be Moose, order with caution. Okay, moving on.

Point is, that the bitter, sharp flavor of Bud Light Lime isn't terrible, but it will never compare to a fresh, a la carte mixture measured by yours truly. The stringent aftertaste also weakens this particular offering, but if you like American pilsners, and you've already had a few, this particular variant will barely offend your overworked tastebuds. To be fair, the lime flavor isn't hideous, and if you're inclined to such fanciful dashes without the trouble of mixing up your own to taste, you may feel a particular happiness come over you. Still, for the rest of us who are able to cut our own lime and pinch our own salt will find this brew lacking in small but significant ways. To each their own.

The smell is basic hops and malts with a sheen of citric acid dulling the senses. Imagine smelling a freshly baked chocolate cake, covered with rich milk chocolate frosting and topped with fresh strawberries just as someone comes and sprays you in the face with diesel fuel. Yeah, it's like that. Not that I find the smell of lime off-putting, but I really cannot stress this enough...this isn't the lime your pappy grew up with, this is lab-lime, and while it might be close, it ain't perfect, and something deep within your brain will incessantly remind you of this as you drink, right up until you anesthetize that portion of your brain with enough lime-y alcohol. It may take a while.

The bubbles are rather prevalent, particularly if you've just eaten something else or have a fresh palette. Such carbonation may take you by surprise and cause you to feel fuller than you really are...much like your new prison cellmate. At the same time, the relatively low alcohol content-a paltry 4.2%-will be hard pressed to get you safely to la-la land, especially if you sip from these bottles like the commercials would suggest you do. Not saying anyone should take Bud Light Lime to the head with wild abandon, the end results of which I cannot speculate on a case-by-case basis, but if one is so inclined to do so, just be prepared for the potential pain and suffering on the other end of the ride.

So after all that text, what is my official verdict on BLL? As opposed to the myriad of beers I've tried and henceforth vowed to never again go near, Bud Light Lime is actually something I would be willing to drink again, but only if a tactical nuclear warhead mysteriously came out of the heavens and obliterated every other kind of beer in existence.

The Matchup
While my opinion may not be shared by everyone, I hold Galaga as one of the top 5 videogames ever made and so I could be drinking anything short of arsenic as accompaniment to this game and it would be an outstanding experience. Beer of course ups the ante, even if it deadens my coordination a bit, and makes the time I spend with this game all the sweeter. BLL doesn't really go far to extending or even reaching that apex, but as already mentioned is an acceptable substitute in the absence of something more desirable. In that regard it manages to edge out a great many of the lesser beers I've ingested, and that's gotta count for something.

Cheers/Game on.

Mafia Wars/Heineken

2009-11-02T17:30:00.000-06:00

Game: Mafia Wars, Zynga, 2009, Online
Beer: Heineken, 24 fl. oz., 5% abv
# of beers consumed during play: 2
Level Reached: 63...and counting...
Level of Intoxication: Drunk

Game
Anyone who knows me personally had to know this was going to happen sooner or later. For a short time I managed to escape this game's clutches and lead a normal life, playing games that had clear endings and short-term goals. Eventually though, like a smack addict with his favorite bent, charred spoon, I came home. When I came back, the game was exactly as I had left it, my cash, my character, all had been waiting patiently for me to come back to my senses. So I sat down, caught up, and went to work.

Gameplay
Go find an accountant, give him a gun, hop him up on angel dust and occasionally beat him up in his sleep and you have the basic thesis that makes Mafia Wars operate. Being a browser game, Mafia Wars lacks fancy 3D graphics and slick, tightly defined narratives. What it does have however is a stat-based gameplay system that is so sprawling and robust, filling virtually any niche that a potential casual player would want to exploit, veneered with such a smooth coating of violence and mayhem, that not playing it is tantamount to placing a plastic bag over your head and depriving yourself of oxygen. Please allow me to qualify that last statement. When World of Warcraft dropped, it attracted, black-hole-like, an entire subset of gamers that up to that point had been subsisting off a diet of games that met their hunger, but never seemed to satisfy it completely. In WoW, these hardest of the hardcore found a game system so deep and robust, they literally fell into its embrace completely. Mafia Wars is the Casual Gamer answer to WoW. It is the World of Warcraft for people who don't play games, and it succeeds brilliantly.
The secret is in the timer-based gameplay. The ability to log on, play for five minutes and log off is so powerful and intrinsic a gameplay mechanic, it borders on the ludicrous. The hook is logging back in after a few hours, and seeing what has transpired in that time you were away. Someone may have attacked you, your energy has replenished, some friends may have logged in and requested your help. All of these things point to this ultimate goal of furthering your bank account and your character. This alone would get most of the population with daily access to a computer to log in and kill some fools, but the insaniest (yes, I said insaniest) thing is that the addiction doesn't stop there. In a move that leads me to believe the game designers are disciples of Satan, the game has a host of items to collect, a rather bountiful host of items which are obtained in a multitude of ways, and serve to assist you in your felonious quest should you have the veracity to collect a complete set. The problem is that certain items are so rare as to be virtually non-existent, and the average player can go for months staring balefully at an item set with only one piece missing, praying to dark gods that it drops on their next set of jobs, making the game less a mafia murder simulator and more a flashback to the days of baseball cards when you would get together with all the other kids on the block and rifle through stacks of cards murmuring "need it, need it, got it, need it, got it, got it, got it..."
Graphics/Sound
Being a game that, by necessity, has to be able to play on a wide range of technological platforms, the graphics are pretty much non-existent. What there is consists of fancy buttons, static images, and clear, easily readable text. In that capacity at least, the graphics manage a feat that many expensive, over-produced console and PC games can never seem to achieve; that is, being clear, well defined and tightly integrated into the game, allowing any player to enjoy the core of the game first, and the graphics second. Then again, it's easier to say this game has virtually no graphics at all, and leave it at that. One thing that's noticeable when you happen to ice another player is the image that comes up...that guy is seriously creepy, and I'm glad that I know of no real-life equivalent to him, otherwise I would never come out of my house. I suppose it's worth mentioning that most of the pictures fall into the "creepy-I'm-glad-it's-not-real" category. Then again, who needs artists when your game is like liquid distilled crack cocaine injected directly into one's eyeball?

Sound...Well, while the graphics maintain a certain presence, sound is absolutely not there at all, owing to the fact that this is a browser game and 99% of the people who play it are doing so on COMPANY TIME. If this game had sound they would be CAUGHT AND FIRED IMMEDIATELY because people could hear them PLAYING IT INSTEAD OF FILING TPS REPORTS LIKE THEY SHOULD. If you absolutely need sound, play the soundtrack to The Godfather while you play...it'll work trust me.

Story
Mafia Wars really doesn't have any story to speak of, although the underlying narrative is you work your way up through the ranks in a world where everyone is in a mafia, and everyone fights for seemingly endless resources. Besides, who needs story when the game sucks you in faster than a hooker cross-bred with an industrial shop-vac? Story to this game is like an intervention to an alcoholic, it just takes away from the time you could be using to kill strangers virtually over the internet. Damn interventions...

Beer
Again, because I'm dirt poor, wife comes in and saves the day. This time she demanded credit in the review for subsidizing the beer portion of the article, so...credit and stuff. Anyways, Heineken; that green-bottled brew from the bosom of Holland is the focus here, and if I hadn't drank 48 ounces of this stuff, perhaps I could focus a bit better. The smell from the bottle is skunky and pungent, an odor that is very unique, and may turn drinkers of domestic brews off. The nice thing about the smell is that it doesn't lie, it accompanies a beer that is sour and sharp and hits the tongue in all the right ways. Heineken garners the kind of non-denominational following that few other beers manage, a non-descript and alloyed devotion that changes with the whims of those enamored with it. Such commentary is less an indictment of Heineken and more on the subject of keeping an open mind in regards to that which one becomes accustomed. Few alcoholic beverages are able to match this "loosely fanatical" following, either becoming frighteningly equivalent to false gods, or living in the land of the exile, drunk only by wayward, silly, and undiscerning individuals who run beer reviewing websites. This beer is an import from Europe, and is unapologetic in every facet, it practically screams "love me or hate me, I am what I am." Heineken, distant cousin to Popeye. Who would have known?

The taste, as noted above, is bold and tangy, with an almost salty aftertaste, leading the drinker to either be a total vagina-head and hate it, or man up and realize that taste + beer = awesome and emerge butterfly-like from their cocoon of cheap domestic brew and soar through the clear blue sky that is overpriced import lager. There is a strange undertone to the taste I would readily attribute to grass (the kind that you mow, bonehead), but which integrates nicely with the rest of the beer, resulting in a very welcome and well balanced departure from the rank-and-file of most beers, particularly those occupying the domestic camps.

The truly rewarding thing about Heineken is the drunk that it gives out. A wonderful combination of floaty and clumsy, it actually seems to enhance the mental faculties and allows a semblance of normal function over the foundation of physical impairment. More than a modicum of logistic thinking is retained, which makes this both a blessing and a curse. The 5% abv can easily overwhelm in greater quantities, leading to an alarming occurrence of Heineken drinkers having more self-confidence in their abilities than they actually posses. Just sayin'. Still, for the cautious-minded, this beer allows the normal operation of pickup lines, conversational discourse, and carefully measured information sharing, while still reaping the benefits of reduced inhibition, coordination, and personal limitations. In this context, excess is a frame of mind.

The Matchup
Mafia Wars and Heineken don't have much in common, but when used with one another seem to get along just fine. Both do have a certain well-refined quality, and while Mafia Wars' quality is largely addictive and diabolical, and Heiny's is more of a tried and true type, it is patently clear that the makers of both had a very strong handle on what the hell they were doing when they plied their craft. On the other hand, both properties require a specific personality to truly adhere to the gifts on offer, with others only partaking in passing. But if you are the type that gets something pure out of either Mafia Wars or Heineken, God help you, you'll be here a while.

Cheers/Game on.

Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped/Natural Ice

2009-10-26T18:26:00.000-05:00

Game: Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped, Sony, 1998, PSX
Beer: Natural Ice, 24 fl. oz., 5.9% abv
# of beers consumed during play: 2
Level Reached: 4th level
Level of Intoxication: Drunk

Game
I like Crash, I really do. Not only for the fact that he appeared in those smarmy and clever anti-Nintendo commercials or that he was actually a good mascot for the life of the PS1, but just for the fact that in addition to his formulated marketability, he was also host to quite the rousing series of platformers to boot.

Gameplay
When the Playstation first burst onto the scene, its dedicated 3D hardware and easily accessible programming libraries saw several new conventions in platforming, particularly in the first Crash Bandicoot game, where lush, linear 3D rendered paths and "2.5D" platforming became vanguards of 32-bit game design. Crash 2 and 3 both carried these conventions on in an almost dogged determination, almost seeming to actually say "We don't do open world, we do linear platforming, and we'll thank you not to ask again." And as far as the Crash games go, Crash 3 in particular, they take the axiom "do one thing and do it well" and they embody that shit. What they offer in platforming goodness, they do so in spades, dishing out rich, familiar run 'n jump challenges that gradually get more intense level after level.

Each level in Warped offers six stages, each with a number of varied objectives. In each stage, there's an assortment of gems to collect, the purple ones being the keys to meeting the level's boss. The purple gem is obtained through an interesting variety of ways, usually by running across it somewhere in the level, but other times, having to win a motorcycle race, running a course on a jetski... killing a specific enemy, making it to the end of an autoscroll level alive, and other innovative goals. Yes, the autoscroll levels are back, in many cases taking the form of the female character and her affinity for cute, cuddly, ride-able animals, but appearing in other forms as well. The much chagrined "run-blindly-towards-the-screen-while-being-chased-by-instant-death" levels are back as well, and for all four of you freaks who liked those levels, I hope you're happy with yourselves.

Not all is well in Bandicoot Land though, as there are several problems in this game. Many of the issues are ones that can be easily attributed to the age of the game, when game designers were more interested in stuff that made the game look good as opposed to the slightly more important goal of making the game play good. Control is slippery, and character animations mean that you will have to acclimate to a certain "warm up" time when it comes to getting shit done in the game. Jumping at a box doesn't always mean you will hit it, and in later levels, when a single box may be all that stands between you and controller smashing oblivion, you will most certainly miss that non-existent precision. Also thanks to the fact that the game plays into the z-axis, distances are at times quite difficult to judge, making hitting necessary boxes even harder and turning oncoming enemies and chasms into tests of faith. I mean, for a game that obviously hinges so heavily on the whole breakable box mechanic, you'd think the game designers would have made being able to reliably interact with said boxes a high priority...then again, perhaps that's why the more expensive and harder to find Super Mario 64 far outsold the Crash games. Is that really a fair comparison? At the time, Sony thought it was.
Graphics/Sound
What can I say? For the given hardware, this game looks very pretty. Everything has a solid feel to it, with nary an appearance of cardboard cutouts to be found, and colors are bright, well blended and nicely integrated. The infamous PSX perspective correction problems rear their ugly heads at times, but are nowhere as bad as many other Playstation games. Character polygon counts aren't bad on major characters, but get pretty dicy when it comes to some of the recurring enemies, making them look like disjointed caricatures of some alternate art deco universe. The backgrounds enjoy a playful style, appearing very detailed without actually being confusing or distracting from the frenetic action at hand.

Of particular note with the graphics are the player death sequences, which are so varied and creative, I'm convinced they had one guy who just sat in a room, tasked with coming up with different ways for crash and company to die. I'm also convinced all he had was a notepad, piles of taped episodes of Roadrunner and Tom and Jerry cartoons, and an electroshock collar that went off at random intervals. One of my favorite death sequences is actually in the first level of the game, where if you fail to kill a giant toad, it straddles you, kisses you full on the mouth and suddenly turns into a very creepy looking prince. No joke, I would die too.
The sounds are good, but get tiresome at times. For some reason I'm not quite able to quantify, Crash's whirling attack sound grates on my nerves, it's really the only one that does it, and every time I go to do that attack, I cringe in revulsion. The music is eminently forgettable. There are absolutely zero themes in the game that stuck with me past playtime, and all I can really remember is the elastic rising cartoon beat that accompanies the title screen of every Crash game, which is a specific torture unto itself.

Story
Hold on, let me bust out my Big Book Of Tired And Totally Overused Plot Devices...Okay, let's see here:
-Lowly underdog protagonist who peacefully minds his own business until he's put upon by some malevolent being, thereby motivating him to save entire universe/world/island/stash of bananas...Check.
-Once imperiled female character who, now safe from imminent danger, becomes a righteous force in her own right...Check.
-A good supporting character who, unknown until now, has an evil twin who until very recently was locked up and unable to do any harm...Check.
-Time travel to various cliched locations, usually against the protagonists' wills...Check.
-A tiny, fatal flaw in the enemy's plan/defenses/Really Important Machine which allows the good guys to gain a foothold, grow steadily stronger, and eventually prevail...Check.
-Evil minions whose total overconfidence all but guarantees their spectacular demise/defeat at the hands of any or all of the good guys...Check.
-Original bad guy now answering to an even more evil bad guy, who just so happens to be the evil twin of the allied supporting character, who undoubtedly knows the evil twin's only weakness, and fails to divulge that weakness until the story is almost over...Check.
-Female protagonist riding a baby tiger along the top of the Great Wall of China...Hmmm, that's a new one.

Beer
Natural Ice, or as referred to by its cult following, "Natty Ice," brewed by Anheuser Busch, it is a beer aimed to compete specifically with the likes of PBR in the lower ranks of beerdom. It is extremely cheap, and brewed to satisfy a specific hunger in the beer-drinking population, namely, to provide a good drunk for less coin, while doing all it can to avoid all the trappings of the inner-city image. It is beer for low-income blue-collar folk, and in this regard not only does it succeed in superlative fashion, it even manages to transcend its target demographic and snare mainstream drinkers out of their safe, secure Coors and Michelob camps. The design of the can speaks volumes in this regard, boasting a classic yet edgy swooping design with primaries of red, white, and blue colors, accented by the can's natural silver. The can's bold proclamation being: "Americans drink me, true patriots and die-hard lovers of all things U.S.A. If you drink me, you probably own a gun or two." The simple fact that I've seen more military enlisted drink this out of any other brand pretty much confirms that particular diagnosis.

The smell isn't particularly attractive, having a sweetness most often associated with malt beverages. The graininess is definitely there, under the sweetness but noticeable enough to know what you're inhaling isn't going to be a wine cooler. The nice thing is that the smell is muted enough to go away completely once you've had a few sips to drink, making this beer decidedly open as far as culinary accompaniments go. For some strange reason, it goes frighteningly well with home-made garlic toast. Go figure.

The taste cunningly avoids the sugary-fermentation odor and comes off as direct, no nonsense beer. A hint of sourness complements the palette while going down, and the entire brew is armed with bite to go along with the hoppy, corny goodness. The carbonation is in a very specific sweet spot, with small, concentrated bubbles that tickle one's oral senses in a delightful manner, and go down without making the drinker feel bloated or sluggish. Or at least, no more bloated and sluggish than they already are...

The intoxication is positively delightful. A concentrated whirly feeling that sets in on a predictable curve which impairs all faculties in a very measured and balanced fashion. This is most certainly fun-house drunk, with none of the annoying side-effects that lesser beers may possess. Walking through the house brought easily recoverable stumbles and a contented feeling of floating, marred only by the occasional intersection with solid objects. This fine flavor of drunk does wonders to transport one into the world of the videogame currently being played, and so it does in fantastic streams in this case.

The overall feel of this drink is one of strictly measured positives, leading one to believe that with enough of this beer, one could ride a wave of happy straight through the gates of hell. Owing to the fact I only drank two talls of Natty Ice, I don't know for sure, but in extrapolating what I've experienced in this limited exercise, I imagine that the drunk this beer creates is awesome right up to a defining line, at which good drunk immediately gives way to belligerent jackass and all of a sudden everything goes downhill in one huge black-hole spiral of hate and discontent, and once the drinker has awakened from their stupor, all their shit is out on the front lawn getting picked through by neighborhood kids. Run-on sentence for the win.

The Matchup
Both of the items sampled in this review have a lot going for them, they both are borne out of tried and true parentage, and they both offer broad appeal to an audience who is accustomed to a certain degree of quality. Unfortunately, in the same vein, both properties also have a rash of shortcomings. These failings, while small, can quickly add up, and in aggregate, can spoil what is otherwise a great experience. Luckily, these issues can be largely ignored with the proper mindset, Natty Ice's with careful planning and judicious use, and Crash3: Warped with the mindset that hey, it's just an 11 year old game.

Cheers/Game on.

Audiosurf/Jack's Pumpkin Spice Ale

2009-10-17T17:15:00.001-05:00

Game: Audiosurf, Invisible Handlebar, 2008, PC
Beer: Jack's Pumpkin Spice Ale, 12 fl. oz., 5.5% abv
# of beers consumed during play: 5
Level Reached: Six songs or so.
Level of Intoxication: Three Sheets to the Wind

Game
My wife rocks, she funded the beer for this particular review, so to everyone who reads this, thank my wife for working to further your personal entertainment. Games and music have not always had an easy relationship. Back in the days when videogames were much more primitive, and before it was cool to do music for a videogame, games got by (and at times excelled) with the rudimentary complement of bleeps and bloops. Audiosurf is a giant neon yardstick showing how far we've come. In Audiosurf, music is the game.

Gameplay
Created by an independent developer, Audiosurf is an ingenious amalgamation of several gameplay mechanics. Before we continue, I'm going to politely remind you to buy this game as soon as possible. My review doesn't do the actual game proper justice and the guy who made this game is a genius and should be helping NASA develop inter-dimensional space travel. Firstly, the game uses actual music tracks to define and power the levels. Lest one become dissuaded at the prospect of another music game in the vein of DDR, the best way to describe the gameplay is thus: equal parts roller coaster, driving simulator, Klax-style block matching, and trippy spaced out visuals all cohere into a slick, synchronized romp through your own personal song collection. The core of the game is you controlling a floating ship on a linear track that turns, dips and undulates along with the song you've selected. As you zip along, colored blocks appear in front of you that you collect in a grid which lies underneath your ship. How you collect these blocks and when determines how they match up, match three or more of the same color, and they vanish and add points to your score.

I was tempted to pepper that last paragraph with adjectives such as "awesome" "sweet" "tubular" "crazy" and the like, in an attempt to make the admittedly dry description I gave above a bit more exciting. The great thing about Audiosurf is I don't have to do that, the next few paragraphs will do it for me.

Before you fire up this game, you may want to grab a diaper and some Dramamine, the ride this game takes you on is not only awesome, but sweet, tubular, and crazy as well. There are three levels of difficulty, each with a different complement of gameplay styles represented by different characters. Some characters such as "Mono" are easy, and are intended as an opportunity to "ride your music" as it were, with less emphasis on being crushed under the weight of tons of colored blocks and more emphasis on taking a favorite song and going on a technicolor stroll through your frontal lobe. Other characters pose unique challenges, such as "Double Vision" where you can play alongside with a friend, or if you are feeling particularly ambidextrous, can play by your lonesome, controlling two independent ships at once. Each game mode has unique abilities, such as being able to jump over unwanted blocks or the power to shuffle the entire board. With fourteen different characters to choose from, not only will everyone find a play style that perfectly suits them, they will finally be able to wonder aloud "Hmmm, I wonder what Achy Breaky Heart would be like Vegas-style..."
The game also comes with a handy-dandy Ironmode option, just in case you were feeling like your other videogames weren't quite hurting you enough. Ironmode offers increased point values as well as increased difficulty and more wall-punching frustration. Fill a grid column to the top in Ironmode, and instead of getting a slap on the wrist such as point deduction in the non-Ironmode, you are immediately kicked out of the song. Learn how to match colors better.

All this culminates in probably the coolest feature of the game, it's online which means your points standings for each song are automatically added to online leaderboards, allowing you to vie ceaselessly for position in global, local, and friend-based tiers. In addition, you can comment on the song and your experience with it, which, from glancing at the message boards ingame, basically amount to "ZOMFG THAT WUZ INTENSE!!" Many achievements can be obtained in the game, which while it won't make you more attractive to the ladies, will increase the size of your e-peen, much like an Xbox 360 Gamerscore and that Megan Fox wallpaper you have. Also, lest you think there's already too much gravy for your potatoes here, let me go ahead and add that every week, free audio tracks are available to download and play from independent artists, meaning that even if you somehow manage to exhaust your own music library, as soon as you log in, you can play fresh new tracks that have been handpicked by the Audiosurf team. What's that I hear? Is that the sound of you buying the game right freaking now? About time.

Graphics/Sound
The visuals in this game are extremely clean. Vibrant colors and sharp, defined lines present the game clearly and efficiently, allowing the player to see at a glance what's going on. While the interface is somewhat spartan, once things get rolling, visual elements and effects begin to come together fantastically and before long, you're zipping down this psychedelic rollercoaster at a gajillion miles a second, collecting blocks while your favorite songs are throbbing along, making you feel like Maverick from Top Gun. Or Iceman...depends on if you had a crush on Tom or Val. I'm not here to judge.

Splashes of color appear whenever you collect a block, and strange polygonal shapes thrash around alongside the track. The color of the surroundings change depending on the mood in the song, from greens and blues in calm portions, to yellows and reds in the faster, more manic parts of songs. The game, knowing its core audience, even has options to increase the trippy factor, such as different graphic filters and even a "visualizer mode" which is great for those people who fancy intoxicants above and beyond the limits of alcohol.
Just sayin'...

The sound is outstanding, mainly because the soundtrack for the game is all your most beloved artists. A few games in the past allowed us to substitute our own music, with widely mixed results, but no game I can recall has integrated the player's own music into the experience so tightly. Again, the guy who made this game should be a millionaire. Of course, the game does have sound effects beyond the player's music, and they are all adequate, each one carefully weighted against the event it is intended to signify. For my own part, I choose to turn the ambient noises almost all the way down, since I like to create an experience around the music I've selected, and the game's sounds often have a detrimental effect on the atmosphere of a given level. Other people may like the sounds and want to turn them up, that's why there's a slider for them.

Story
Sorry kids, this game is totally abstract. No narratives here. If anything, it allows the music you've chosen to tell its own story, which could range anywhere from you shooting the sheriff to how hot it is in here, and how that relates to you removing all of your apparel. Again, I'm not here to judge.

Beer
So Halloween is coming up, and everyone is getting into the spirit. Homeowners are decorating their houses with fake spiderwebs, businesses are hanging up black and orange advertisement banners, and the well known Michelob Brewing Company is turning out vat after vat of something called "Jack's Pumpkin Spice Ale." I was perusing the alcoholic choices at my local supermarket and this happened to catch my eye. As soon as I saw the six-pack in the cooler, I ruminated on what this beverage might taste like. Perhaps it would be sweet and lightly spicy, like a pumpkin pie, owing to the fact it brags about being brewed with Golden Delicious pumpkins and spices like nutmeg, cinnamon, ginger, and clove. Perhaps it would be more spicy with undertones of fruits, with a crisp snap from the fermentation process. I grabbed the sixer and headed for the checkout, my head swimming with tantalizing fantasies of what ten freaking dollars would gift me with. After so much $2 ghetto-swill, I was finally getting the opportunity to treat myself with something distinctive and unique.

Goddammit.

Michelob Brewing Company, I hate you so much. First off, upon opening the first bottle and breathing in the freshly opened contents, I smelled what would seem to be absolutely pedestrian malty crap. In fact, it smelled almost exactly like your average fawtie of malt hooch with the slight hint of cinnamon smell lurking Jaws-like beneath the surface. That should have been a warning right then and there, but as my wife is so happy to remind me, I'm a blockhead, and I dismissed the smell and its portents of mediocrity.

The first sip was so far removed from my wild imaginings that I actually experienced a placebo effect and tasted what I wanted to taste. For a split second I felt as though I was in Willy Wonka's factory, drinking down some wonderfully chilled pumpkin pie, savoring the flavors skipping playfully over my tastebuds and finally being rolled away by singing Oompa Loompas, needing to be juiced after turning into a giant pumpkin. That's when reality hit and I realized that aside from the barest hint of rotten squash and a pale aftertaste of--well, I want to say it was armpit, but I know it was simply nutmeg saturated with alcohol--I was drinking a carbon copy of any of those bottom-shelf malt liquors that I've choked down in recent weeks.

The drink was watery enough to drink quickly, and that's where I ran into the first of many post-imbibe problems. The drink isn't very fizzy, and really, doesn't have much substance while passing through the mouth. What it lacks in fizz though, it makes up for in the lower intestine.

Shortly after drinking three or so bottles, I felt a tint of aggression come over my senses. This tint only became more saturated as time wore on until I found that I was generally angry at absolutely nothing. I really don't like feeling angry, which made me even angrier. It never manifested itself outside of my own thoughts, it just boiled my brain in a hate broth. The beer then struck its final blow. Some time after I had capped off the last beer I was willing to subject myself to and finished playing, my bowels sent an urgent telegram to my brain. The telegram read, and I quote:

"ABANDON SHIP!!!!!"

With this valuable new information now in hand, I made a mad dash for the commode, whereupon I produced the most vile, unacceptable, concentrated form of evil since the final scene in Time Bandits ("Don't touch that! It's pure evil!!"). Even after I had completed my own little private David Warner, my stomach felt acutely uneasy for quite some time after, and it took a large glass of milk and an uneasy nap to snap out of my seasonal-beer-induced funk.

So yeah, for future reference, pumpkin beer: bad.

The Matchup
One of these products is seasonal and something I shall vow never to buy again, I'll etch it backwards in my forehead as a reminder if I have to. The other is timeless and addictive, and I would buy it twice over on general principal. The good thing is that the game is so fantastic, that even the absolute trainwreck that was the beer couldn't lessen the greatness of zipping along a music-fueled rollercoaster. I'm sure with something worth imbibing, this game would reach a rarefied zenith many aspire to, yet few achieve. The beer? Use it to drive away unwanted houseguests this Hallow's Eve. It isn't good for much else.

Cheers/Game on.

Silpheed/Budweiser

2009-10-10T23:24:00.000-05:00

Game: Silpheed, Game Arts, 1993, Sega CD
Beer: Budweiser, 12 fl.oz., 5% abv
# of beers consumed during play: 4
Level Reached: 5th level
Level of Intoxication: Woozy

Game
I'm quite the fan of shoot-em-up games, more commonly referred to as Shmups. I particularly like "bullet hell" shooters, but I can sit down with just about anything that pits me against thousands of identical foes and their unending quest to see me disintegrated in their phalanx of glowing projectiles. Silpheed, which has recently enjoyed a pseudo-sequel on the Xbox 360, was one of my favorite games back when the Sega CD was the mighty poo. As a "lucky" owner of this combination of systems, I would seize every opportunity to show this game off to any of my friends who would pay even a moment's notice. This one of the genuine gems of the Sega CD system, and a worthy play even to this day.

Gameplay
Silpheed is a single player romp through the galaxy, fighting off hordes of fast-moving enemy ships and their rather uninspiring bosses. At the outset of the game, the player is equipped with twin cannons. In later levels this can be upgraded with spread fire, phalanx guns, and other accoutrements of destruction. The enemies in this game consist of coordinated waves, many following patterns while others move somewhat randomly as they vector towards your ship. The baddies move blindingly fast, and they shoot projectiles that at times move even faster, making this one of the rarified "twitch" games. In later levels, the twitch factor ramps up exponentially, until you find yourself wishing you had a speedball to mainline just to keep up with the action.

Many of the enemy ships will quite happily kamikaze towards you, moving erratically enough to cause you to second-guess your evasive maneuvers. Luckily, this game departs from shooter convention in that a single hit will not obliterate you, but only shave a healthy chunk off your shield meter. The trade-off to this is the fact that you only have one life, and losing all your shield and subsequently dying means game over. Interestingly enough, even when your shield is depleted, another hit will not automatically kill you. In a stroke of game design genius, the developers included a mechanic whereupon absorbing damage beyond the your ship's shield will result in systems failing, including engines and weapons. The resultant partial loss of control or the elimination of one of your weapons systems creates a palpable feeling of tension, as you desperately attempt to survive through the waves of enemy attacks with a crippled ship. Repair pickups are available at pre-designated points in the game, and if you've been unlucky enough to have eaten an unscheduled laser sandwich, you'll find yourself clamoring for these much needed power-ups as you dodge the relentless onslaught of the enemy.

Thanks to some creativity on the part of the game developers, the FMV backgrounds are not just for show. In many stages, elements of the background are able to intersect with your ship, "intersect" in this context meaning blow to smithereens. Having to dodge background set pieces such as asteroids and other dangers added another layer of difficulty to this game and set it another level apart from its contemporaries of the day. Showing particular inspiration in this regard is the fourth level, a honeycomb-like maze of structures which raise, lower, and separate in interesting and unpredictable ways, forcing the player to fly and shoot with deep precision lest they become a stain on one of the laser emitting pylons.
In between levels, as you progress, a weapon selection screen will offer more choices to augment your main weapon, as well as an "option" weapon, which is nice to have in a pinch at times. With the right outfit of weapon types, you'll find your ship to be quite formidable, even against the asshole legions of kamikaze ships which require entirely too many hits to kill.

The game is woefully short, with some levels seeming to be over before they've ever begun, and the game as a whole short enough to sit through in the time it takes to cook some mac 'n cheese. The replay value is also hurt significantly by the fact the levels never change, owing to the FMV. But in my opinion, for a quick, nasty twitch gaming fix, this classic title simply cannot be beat.

Graphics/Sound
Well, anyone who was conscious during the mid 90's knows the plight the first CD-based game systems brought to the world of videogames...Full Motion Video. FMV was the videogame equivalent of the black plague, it was terrible, irreversibly damaging, and it was everywhere. FMV was touted as the technology that would take games into the 21st century and beyond by anyone who had never played a videogame in his or her life. Fortunately, the savvy gamers of the day knew what the score was, and voted with their wallets, and the vote of the day (after everyone else realized how terrible Night Trap was) was that FMV sucked and had to go. Interestingly enough, some games did well with the addition of FMV, and one of those games just happened to be Silpheed. While much of the FMV is grainy and pixelated, the presentation still conveys an above-satisfactory sensation of fighting in a large-scale space war, complete with huge lasers ripping capital ships apart.
The polygons were pretty revolutionary for consoles at the time, and the myriad effects, while suffering quite a lot in this modern post-shader-age of graphics capabilities, were pretty cool when you were huddled with some friends around this shiny new CD technology. Despite all my misgivings, all I have to say in the graphics defense is level 5. I know it's pre-rendered and a very simple effect, but really...I felt like I was going to go plaid. That's gotta count for something.

The sound is a mixed bag, but I have to give it an overall thumbs up seeing as how it's on the Sega CD. Most of the music is dorky and spacy in a way that one would associate William Shatner's underwear with spacy. Sure it'll get you there if you concentrate real hard, but surely there are better ways. Some of the themes are well done and work to immerse the player in the action, but it seemed as though most of the good ones were saved for the very last levels. The music as a whole seemed a bit dinky, but it gets the job done. As for the sounds, they were pretty good, they mostly integrated well with the game, and the voice samples and narration tracks were not only clear and understandable, but were pretty damn well acted to boot. The female narrator for the story segments seemed to hit a sweet-spot in particular in regards to delivery, making the overly blunt plot synopses seem natural and immersive. During the course of the levels, voice samples will crop up, lending some helpful advice to players, such as a suggested direction to veer out of an asteroid's path or that a boss ship is approaching. Not bad.
Story
The story isn't half-bad, a bunch of malevolent automatons appear and begin hacking our global space super computer. We of course take this as an offense, and mobilize our defense forces in an effort to prevent said space hackers from reaching our planet. Fortunately, we have at our disposal an armada of tactical space fighters and even more fortunately, you are the highly trained pilot of one of these "SA-77 Silpheed" fighters. You and your conspicuously absent wingmen will trek across space not only in search of the source of this mounting evil, but also to repel the borders of your soft, chewy, vulnerable earth.

As a momentary aside, and also to pad out the "story" segment of this review, one wonders why this planet is so universally desirable to the entire rest of the cosmos. Forgetting for a moment that it makes a good story since we're somewhat of reliant on this planet for our continued survival, it still gives one pause...what would an advanced alien race want with our puny, polluted planet? It's not like there isn't a, y'know...infinite number of other planets in the universe, and unless all the alien stories written so far just coincidentally feature planet-collecting ETs who are devout completists, that apparently pegs Earth as the only resource-rich rock in the entire dimensional fold. While that may be true if the resources in question are stupidity and salt water, I am otherwise disinclined to accept that with bazillions of other exploitable interstellar bodies out there, we keep getting shafted in the hostile invasion department.

Beer
I happened across a sixpack of cans of Budweiser at my local piggly-wiggly, and I was unable to pass up the opportunity. The feeling of snapping a can off the dolphin muzzle, cracking it open, and savoring that first long drink was a sensation that will doubtless stick with me for all time. The motions involved were so ageless, steeped in another time and generation, that partaking in it felt nearly ritualistic. Knowing that thanks to tree hugging hippies and expansive corporate accountability legislation, the sixpack of cans is quickly going the way of the dodo made the experience all the more savory.

The beer itself isn't bad, although the term "King of Beers" seems to indicate its sovereignty is based more on its ubiquity than its quality. The beer is by no means poor, and its accessibility and widely acceptable taste have made it popular with many casual drinkers including fraternities, NASCAR fans, welfare recipients, and deadbeat dads. The taste is crisp and there is a fair amount of bite, elevating this (in my opinion) over its primary competitor, Coors. Budweiser does have a characteristic sweetness to it, particularly in the aftertaste which, while not exactly off-putting, may not appeal to certain people. Many beer snobs like to use this beer as their primary figurehead when it comes to slandering the American beer industry. And while this may not have the complexity of an average microbrew, it still manages to pull off the "beer" thing pretty well.

The smell is rather dry and grainy, which doesn't really seem to match the taste, and flattens out the entire experience by a bit. Still, average is average, and average is a damn sight better than terrible so you won't see me working this beverage over too badly. With an average smell and a slightly above average taste, the barly-pop in question certainly earns its middle-of-the-road popularity. If McDonald's served beer, this would be what they had on tap. Interpret that as you like.

The one thing that I found interesting about this beer was the fact the first few sips were explosive in carbonation, after which once my mouth became acclimated to the beer, the explosive bubblies seemed to calm down and started to lend themselves to a more refreshing prickly type of feel. Before long, as I worked my way through the sixer, I scarcely even noticed the fizz, and I was happily chugging through cans with impunity. This of course got me intoxicated quicker, and I found that the five percent alcohol content came on nice and steady, ramping up my inebriation comfortably. The feeling was of a pronounced but still coordinated whirliness, and there didn't seem to be any indications of an overly painful morning after. Cheese quesadillas went fantastic with this beer, as I imagined most food would.

The Matchup
Both of these properties are solid contenders, they aren't blockbusters, but they aren't anywhere near absolute shite either. They both occupy an above average stance, allowing one to partake of their wares without having to invest too much of oneself in the process. While Silpheed may have aged considerably since its release, it still possesses sharp fundamentals and a carefully balanced difficulty curve. Budweiser also possesses a solid foundation which has made it quite popular, while lacking any truly distinctive qualities that would allow it to rise head and shoulders above the rest of the field. One aspect that both these things have in common is that if you go in knowing what to expect, you can still have a great time with both of them, particularly in tandem.

Cheers/Game on.

Lizzie McGuire 3 - Homecoming Havoc/Coors

2009-10-02T01:16:00.000-05:00

Game: Lizzie McGuire - Homecoming Havoc, Buena Vista Games, 2005, GBA
Beer: Coors, 24 fl. oz., 5% abv
# of beers consumed during play: 1
Level Reached: 3rd Level
Level of Intoxication: Buzzed

Game
Let's get this out of the way...I'm reviewing this game simply because I couldn't think of one, went the random route, and when my eyes opened, I was looking at this. Call it fate, serendipity, the gods at play, or simply a terrible sense of timing, the fact remains I played this game while drinking a beer. I think that in and of itself is worth something. What it's worth, I'm not sure. One thing I can say for certain, shovelware exists, oh yes it does, and it knows you're out there.

Gameplay
That is to say, the lack thereof. The makers of this title must have been so thrilled to be working with the Lizzie McGuire license that they completely forgot to put the gamey type stuff into the game they were making. This piece of software consists of a series of micro-games, all of which fall into a specific category such as rapid-tap, multi-tap, timed-tap, in-motion, and others. What this basically means is that every few seconds your kid (or you if you run a games review website) will have to figure out which control to operate within a split second of the game starting, and then operate it correctly so as not to lose one of your precious chances. The micro-games run the gamut from banal "avoid falling debris" games to banal "save the rubber ducky from mysterious whirlpools in the water of the bathtub you are in" games to slightly more intriguing but still banal "help the monkey avoid the prison-escapee finding spotlight." I wish I could make these themes up.
The games operate within a framework of levels, modes, and game types. Each level is broken down into several modes, inexplicably called things like Friendship Mode and Stumble Mode. Each mode seems to have a different subset of game types, with Stumble Mode having more difficult and less forgiving games. Each level is rounded out with a Dance Competition, which is a timed button press game. A banal one.

Graphics/Sound
The graphics are precisely as one would anticipate out of a title that falls firmly in the storied realm of shovelware. Hurried and unrefined, the visuals in this game are a mishmash of hideous colors, bland sprites, and seizure-inducing backgrounds. The awesome effects the GBA was famously capable of are absent, and the entire game relies on the games and interstitial visuals going by too fast for anyone to notice how truly ugly they are. The really sad thing is that just by looking at the game, one can easily tell that if the developers had tried a bit harder, that the game could have been beautiful, as all the graphics have a solid underlying design to them, they are just disjointed and unfinished. Had the developer taken the time with this game that higher-profile IP's enjoy, it might not have been so bad. Unfortunately, shovelware is what it is, and the game was rushed out solely to make a buck off of undiscerning pre-teen Lizzie McGuire fans. More's the pity.
The sound is without a doubt the most obnoxious thing I've ever laid ears on. The soundtrack is three songs which repeat relentlessly, ad-nauseum, with no breaks, no variation, and no inspiration. When you lose a round, a new song will seamlessly usurp the old one, and none are any better than the others. When music composers have committed sins which cannot repented, they are doomed to forever work on games like this. The people who invented synthesizers would have poisoned themselves had they known this is the end to which their creations would have been applied. Seriously. The music is really that bad. Unfortunately, the sound effects aren't any better, the entire cadre of effects screams "stock sound libraries" and much like the music, a handful of effects are repetitiously used to the point where a casual listener may just pick up an axe and slay an entire subway full of passengers just because mankind is not genetically equipped to handle this kind of aural input. This is what police would use to drive hostage takers to surrender if they wanted to end it within minutes.

Story
From what I could glean from the good 'ol internet, this game is based on a now-canceled Disney tween show called Lizzie McGuire, starring the annoying Hilary Duff before she blossomed into a young woman with no-longer family-safe body parts. The television show featured animated segments in-between the live action plot points, which this game has adopted and expanded upon. This particular game, as can be divined from the sub-title "Homecoming Havoc", sees the titular Lizzie on a quest to attend the homecoming dance, and best out her rival, "unnamed spoiled bitch" in the homecoming dance competition, thus naming herself as reigning Homecoming Queen. Any mention of cute, horny boys is curiously absent.

The glaring problem with the entire premise is of course, the source material is so scant to begin with, and the target audience so narrow, that even if this game were pure sweet gaming gold the chances it would be played by any significant portion of the fickle gamer population are already so slim it could teach Kate Moss how to lose weight. The fatal flaw that really makes this shovelware is that the game attempts to seduce all three of the lonely little girls that like both the Lizzie McGuire show as well as gaming, and who like the animated segments of the show enough to want to play a series of pointless microgames within such a necessarily limited universe. Any other purchases come from bewildered parents who have no idea what their daughters are interested in, are out shopping for a birthday present and happen across an intellectual property that they think their child might have watched once or twice in the last three years. They buy it, and when the girl opens said gift on the day of her birth, grimaces as though she has just had to chew an engorged dung beetle and the parents find they have foolishly lost/thrown away/eaten the receipt, the game is thus remanded to a forgotten corner of the house, the money stays with the publisher, and they cheerfully add that sale to a chart showing executives why making such games is a win-win scenario. And thus the blighted cycle is repeated. Long story short: the story sucks and makes me unhappy.

Beer
Beers don't get much more pragmatic than this. If communist Russia had this brew, this is the beer they would have been passing out in the food lines. The can is a drab tan color, evoking mental images of gub'ment cheese and military MRE's. The only true artistic accents on the can are the small woodcut pictures of the Rocky Mountains and the Coors crest lions. Coors, to its credit, knows exactly who buys and drinks it; the same people who have bought, drank it and introduced their coming-of-age offspring to it for years hence. These people don't need fancy graphics or cool commercials with fictitious dancing girls to enjoy their barley-pop. They just need the beer to be cold and the game to be on. Without a doubt, Coors is aimed at the salt of the earth. There's a fine dignity in that and for that reason at least, I'm happy I drank it.

The taste is exactly what one would expect: it's beer, it neither excites nor offends. It is the answer you give to an alien who may ask you "What is beer?" It is the thesis of neutral. A spartan balance of hops and grains in the taste, along with a carbonation level that is designed for long, glassy-eyed pulls makes this an ideal brew for people who routinely tailgate at football games or have a television in their garage. Thankfully, though it is a carefully weighted balance between good and bad, it does have a taste, a rather full taste in fact, which allows this beer to actually rise above the level of "fermented water" that many other beers seem to fall into.

The odor is similarly neutral. Dull scents of fermentation undercut with just the right amount of alcoholic smell. I mean it when I say that this beer is as commonplace as it gets. For many, that is exactly what they want, and more power to them. This is textbook beer, and as far as beers go, not a bad place to jump into the world of beer from. If this happens to be the baseline with which one ends up judging all other beers, there is a solid foundation here upon which to expand.

The intoxication is slightly sinister, with a feeling in my stomach akin to that of a nest full of vipers made out of dynamite. The sensation is a squirmy, unsettled feeling, with the unspoken knowledge that strenuous physical activity will ignite said dynamite vipers, resulting in pain and suffering all around. The 5% alcohol content belies the level of intoxication this beverage can convey, especially given the ability to chug this and the way the actual whirlies don't set in until later. This is officially "creeper" beer. As such, drink judiciously. On the other hand, if you are attending college and belong to a fraternity, drink copiously and wake up in a strange house around people you don't know. This beer is capable of taking you there.

The Matchup
In my opinion, this game is a shining example of why people should drink when playing games, for the simple reason that if you happen to mistakenly stumble across one of these travesties in your gaming travels, being hopelessly drunk will shield you from the shock of the abysmal experience that is the dreaded shovelware. The beer on the other hand is not bad, not good, but perfectly suited (in much higher volumes than consumed here) to insulate you from the true pain and embarrassment of playing a game such as this. It also provides a handy excuse just in case you get caught playing this game by some of your buddies. Just say you were so blitzed you thought you were playing Zelda.

Cheers/Game on.

Call of Duty: World at War/Camo Black Ice

2009-09-26T22:54:00.000-05:00

Game: Call of Duty: World at War, Activision, 2008, PC
Beer: Camo Black Ice, 24 fl. oz., 10.5% abv
# of beers consumed during play: 1
Level Reached: About halfway through...I think.
Level of Intoxication: Three Sheets to the Wind

Game
The Call of Duty franchise burst onto the scene back in 2003 when the World War II sub-genre of FPS games was just getting hot. To the delight of gamers, it gave us an avatar, a bunch of guns, and an assload of Nazis to test said guns accuracies on. A couple games in the linup faltered oh-so-slightly, mostly CoD3, but with Modern Warfare and now World at War, the series is right back on track.

Gameplay
After five iterations, you would think the gameplay would be honed to a razor's edge, and you would be right...mostly. This title has reaped the benefits of testing and tweaking of a previous four games, all of which enjoyed varying degrees of high acclaim from the masses of unwashed, unforgiving computer FPS gamers such as myself. When you plunk cold hard cash down for a t-shirt that has a WASD graphic on it, you tend to get a bit nit-picky with your genre of choice. In this regard, Call of Duty: World at War (hereafter referred to as CODWAW, damn you) has truly done right by the mouse and keyboard crowd. If you are still trying to figure out the significance of the term WASD, and why it would be on a t-shirt, it's okay, Halo was good too...

The game does fall into a predictable pattern of "skirmish, skirmish, move-forward", and the enemies now take cover and pop out like ducks in a carnival side-show more than ever before. Thankfully, such conventions are broken up by suicide attackers, who seem to pick the exact moment your Garand M1 has run out of ammo to charge at you, and grenade tossers, who will flush you out with deadly accuracy with grenades which take you from crouching and looking down your iron-sights to running away from the grenade indicator and leapfrogging like a rabbit overdosed on PCP. These little moments, along with the fact that your ammo has been strategically limited in this game, creates tense moments where no matter how skilled you are, survival isn't guaranteed and preventing a checkpoint restart weighs heavily on your ability to adapt to the situation.
In addition to the "run-shoot-kill" dynamic inherent to most FPS games, CODWAW also has you take on what I like to call gravy missions, where you are put in command of some intensely powerful piece of machinery and are given license to destroy anything that even vaguely resembles a hostile. Such levels include a Russian tank and an American gunship which sound awesome now, but reach an unprecedented level of intensity and frightening realism when you've just powered through a cheap beer and have all the lights off and suddenly a kamikaze fighter comes barreling down towards you and your gun is overheating. Your wife doesn't understand, but CODWAW certainly does.

Graphics/Sound
Being a next-gen game certainly helps in this region. The graphics are all very pretty, even on a lower-end system, with normal mapping, specular mapping, HDR lighting, realistic physics, beautiful particle and shader effects and great shadows. The animations are fluid and well done and the scripted events are intended for maximum wow-factor. The tropical foliage looks lush and claustrophobic, at least until you burn it all down with a flamethrower, and in a similar vein, enemies who have just found themselves alight burn and flail in such a way as to awaken the ephemeral war veteran inside you and make him chuckle in dark-hearted glee. The levels are all built upon the ideal that you are always moving up to a goal and twist and turn to suit the action. Thanks to the level design, you will always be looking ahead at that next MG nest or burned out tenement in your quest for victory.

Headshots are accompanied by an ultimately satisfying "pink mist" effect and lighting and shadows are always rendered to maximum effect, even on the lower graphical settings.
The sound is another example of game designers who get paid well, as all the sounds seem to fit very well. Explosions are nice and punchy, NPC voices are clear and authoritative, and the "big names" such as Keifer Sutherland really seem to be into their parts as opposed to just phoning it in because it's just a game. Gun sounds are authentic and if you have 5.1, you will be treated to such a deep level of aural immersion, you may just have shell-shock upon completing this game.

Bullets will whizz from all directions, yells and screams of your comrades can be heard from all around, and ambient noises will make you feel as if you are truly in the heart of an intense battle. No sounds seem out of place or mismatched to the experience in its entirety, and for that, the game as a whole is elevated.

Story
Well, if you stayed awake in high school, you should know the story pretty much, Hitler has decided Germany is a bit too confining for his tastes and has decided owning the entire world would have a bit more legroom. The rest of the world disagrees, bullets fly...et cetera, et cetera.

In this game, you are either filling the blood-soaked boots of Private Miller or Russian Private Dimitri Petrenko. Through the fictional eyes of these characters, you will see the horrors of war unfold and learn just how Goddamn hard it was to kill WWII soldiers. Bits of story are handed out either in between-level pre-rendered cut scenes, or during in-game dialogue with NPCs.
The cut-scenes are stylish and combine CG graphics with shockingly frank stock footage of the actual war, which create a synergy that drives the player to greater and greater exploits. The game will flip-flop every few levels to the other character which will give a nice, disjointed feeling of progression as you advance through the game. One of my biggest gripes in this regard is that when a particular campaign has ended, it won't be patently obvious until you realize there are no more levels for that particular character, which won't occur until you see the end credits. Still, the game does a nice job of telling the war from two different sides, and demonstrating in high fashion the series' thesis, that in war, you do not fight alone.

Beer
I love this beer. I really do, and not because of those really important things like taste, smell and a healthy clean intoxication. No, I love Camo because if this stuff can be freely sold over the counter, then I know my constitutional right to poison myself to death has not yet been infringed. This beer affirms all that is right with a country that allows any yahoo with brewing equipment to toss some grain in water, wait a few weeks and then put it in a can covered with words printed in stencil and sell it for a buck-fiddy. I was shocked when I got to the register and the little green numbers declared $1.50 even. I mused for a short while on how 24 ounces of 10.5% abv beer can go for so little, and then it dawned on me...the brewery saved costs by getting rid of their quality assurance division and passed the savings onto the consumer! I kid you not...this beer ranks in the top three of all time worst tasting beers. I might as well just be filling my champagne glass with lighter fluid. I took my first sip and it burned my throat. Can a beer get any more hardcore than that? I mean, seriously...even Earthquake, which tipped the scales at 12% alcohol didn't burn my soft tissues when it went down. I truly believe Camo was brewed specifically as a test of manhood, nothing more. I envision a bunch of old longtime winos serving this up to the up-and-coming young winos as some form of initiation. Drink Camo, make it to the bottom of the can, you get your own cardboard box, if you don't you have to get a job.

So, aside from colorful musings on the inner workings of homeless rank and file, how does this taste? Well, looking past my chemically seared tastebuds for a moment, this beer seems to have the distinct taste of hate. That's really the only flavor I can equate to this travesty, no culinary equivalent exists to parallel this stuff. If I said corn it would disgrace all corn in the world, if I said grain, all wheat farmers would take such commentary as an affront. So other than "chemical fire" and "liquid plague" I'm really at a loss of how to describe the actual taste of this drink.

The smell similarly defies convention. While a quick whiff will display many of the same odors as many high gravity lagers, a slower, more painstaking sample will reveal the hidden pain contained deep within this brew. Scents of grain and corn will give way to the stringent smell of pure alcohol, which also serves only as a mask for the deeper hints of brimstone and eternal damnation. Concentrate hard enough and you can most certainly pick out bouquets such as "Left for Dead in Mexico" and "Devil's Taint."

The intoxication is an unadulterated sequel to the throat burning. The stomach aches with the volatility of homemade napalm, and I'm sure if this stuff had been tested on lab rats, they all would have come down with acute perforated ulcers and severe belligerence. This is less a review of a terrible beer and more of a warning to others: drink this stuff at your own peril.

Matchup
While the game is great and a worthy distraction until the much-anticipated Modern Warfare 2 drops, the beer is downright hideous. The only thing that saves it is that it tastes so much like something we would drop on our enemies on a battlefield that if nothing else, in addition to getting you pretty damn blitzed, it also immerses you in the action. That said, if you happen to take this game online to play multiplayer or even better, co-op with some doodz, be sure to drink something that won't cause you to vomit all over your keyboard.

Cheers/Game on.

Batman/Olde English "800"

2009-09-19T23:48:00.000-05:00

Game: Batman, Sunsoft, 1989, NES
Beer: Olde English "800", 24 fl. oz., 7.5% abv
# of beers consumed during play: 1
Level Reached: Second boss
Level of Intoxication: Buzzed

Game
In honor of Batman: Arkham Asylum, the first batman game to be released in a long time that really did the Dark Knight justice, I've decided to review the only other Batman game that ever blew my skirt up. Incidentally, it's based loosely on the only Batman movie to ever blow my skirt up. There's something poetic in that. Oh, and before everybody starts going off about the movie The Dark Knight and how it's the bestest Batman in the whole universes evar, yeah, I know, I just like the original better. Opinions, I have them.

Gameplay
As can be clearly seen from the screenshots, this game is for the original Nintendo Entertainment System, and as such, possesses a level of difficulty somewhere between the first Mega Man game and a quadruple amputee trying to masturbate. The only reason I got to the second boss was because I got this thing when it first came out back in the day, and as a wee lad with no job or responsibilities aside from school, spent roughly a thousand hours a day playing this and getting it right. The first few levels are embedded in my muscle memory. When your parents only bought you one game every two or three months, you learned to make the most of what you had.

Speaking of making the most of what one has, this game packed a lot of gameplay into such a small package. To start, Batman has several weapons at his disposal, including his fists, the batarang, a missile gun, and shurikens that fire in threes. Each weapon besides the punch use a shared ammo pool which can be replenished by picking up refills dropped by defeated enemies. Each weapon has its own applications, and judicious use of them will see the player prevail. Neglecting to use your "wonderful toys" will subsequently result in Batman dying on a fairly regular basis, complete with a cool but disheartening bat-shaped disintegration animation. Even when he expires, Batman has to stay in character, how's that for showmanship?

The levels are pretty well done, most have multiple areas, and some have multiple paths and even dead-ends which can be explored by players who have mastered the wall-jump. Levels come with a variety of hazards, ranging from strategically placed enemies to acid pools, bottomless pits, and electrified floors. As can be expected, platforming abounds in this game, and some jumps are so wicked hard they border on the impossible. Luckily, most hazards will only chip a couple units off your admittedly short lifebar, leaving you a bit worse for the wear, but allowing you to recover and continue. The fun part is the fact that even in the earlier levels, the game will stack multiple threats and obstacles against you, making it that much easier to lose some of your precious bat-life. This game was all about the old-school tenants of "do it over and over again until you get it right" and particularly in the later levels, that's exactly what you will be doing in order to continue.
The enemies set in your path to impede your progress really don't have anything to do with the movie, unless I fell asleep during the parts where they showed flame throwing goons, Predator-like beasts, motion detecting mines, and little cars with spikes on top. Perhaps all that stuff was just in the deleted scenes. At any rate, the enemies are well placed in order to present a good challenge, and are varied enough that no two encounters are really ever the same. In a similar vein, the bosses are pretty nasty, needing an astute eye and quick reflexes to figure out their patterns and weaknesses in order to win out and continue on to the next level.

Graphics/Sound
I know, I know, it's an NES title, how good can it be? Well, pretty damn good actually. In stark contrast to Captain Skyhawk's clean, bright graphics, Batman uses a dark and dirty palette to communicate the unique world of Gotham City and it's environs. Rather than looking muddy or ugly, the graphics do well to push the limits of the NES's capabilities, using dithering and shading to great effect. Bricks look like bricks, girders look like girders, and all the sprites, while only being two or three colors at the most, are still clear and easy to identify. Sure Batman is a big purple blob, but unlike Aunt Edna's housedress, it's a big purple blob that kicks ass and strikes fear in the hearts of criminals.
The sound is a mix of good and bad, while the tunes are no Danny Elfman score, they are pretty well suited to Batman's style and do the best they can given the natural limitations of the NES's hardware. The opening theme in particular sticks with me, as it's one of the few examples of the NES harmonizing. The punches and other assorted battle sounds are typical fare, nothing to write home to momma about, but they do the job and really, when you're trying to dodge a flamethrower, a mine, a grenade dropping machine and one of the spikey cars at the same time, which you will do quite often in later levels, you stop giving a damn about what sound everything makes unless it's the "baddie dies and Batman lives" sound.

Really, I've seen other sources trash this game for its graphics and sound, but for me, as a package, the audio/visual experience does this game justice and really helps to immerse me in the experience.

Story
Before we go any further, I'm going to ask you to go watch the original movie with Michael Keaton and Jack Nicholson. Please ignore the fact it was made in the 80's, that most of the cultural references are waaay outdated, and that Prince makes a number of unwelcome musical cameos in the movie. Do enjoy the story, the incredibly well done interpretation of Gotham City, and the stellar performances by Jack Nicholson and Michael Keaton. Once you have a handle on the core story and have seen the error of your ways in touting The Dark Knight above the original, come back and we shall continue.

...

Ready? Good, because I was getting hungry. If you subsequently play the game, you will notice its story reads like a Cliff's Notes of the movie, with some added embellishment in certain departments to flesh out the "gameability" such as a deadly computer at the end of the Axis Chemical Factory level, and the complete absence of any Viki Vale escort missions. In fact, I can't see any reason why the movie wouldn't have been further elevated by the inclusion of these elements...Hmmmmmm...What's the number to Warner Bros. Studios?

Beer
Another week of being dead broke means I get to thrash another piss-poor pisswater. This week we see the darker side of Olde English "800." The first thing I noticed was that the can has the price printed directly on it, much like a bag of Cheetos or sunflower seeds. This made me wonder if Olde English has been routinely subjected to retail price scalping since it has such a vintage and first-class look about it. The can, a simple Gold and Maroon motif, and the word "olde" in the name, properly misspelled, along with a picture of a crown gave me a false sense of quality. It seemed so much more...distinguished sitting next to those other cans. For some stupid reason, by the time I got home, I had fooled myself that compared to the likes of Joose, Magnum 40, and Earthquake, I had myself a great tasting brew for a steal of a price.

Huh, not exactly. The beer had a very skunky odor upon opening, and the first word that came to mind when I took my initial sip was "oil." Just like any other malt liquor, the beer was sweet and packed with that distinctive alcohol aftertaste that pickles the tongue. I noticed there were serious sharp tastes of grain and corn, and really, drinking the beer turned into a chore very quickly. In fact, I'm still drinking it as I write this review, and it is now fairly warm, which doesn't help the cause at all. Due to it taking me so long to drink this thing, I'm not nearly as drunk as I would have expected and I find each sip repulses me more than the last. The carbonation with this thing is middle of the road, and yet, thanks to...something in this beverage, every time I have to belch, I find it's a vurp, and I wince as I have to deal with that particular unpleasantness.

Given these less than ideal experiences, I'm loathe to speculate as to why not only does this drink have 800 in the name, but that number is in quotes, as if the makers of this potion are attempting to avoid allegations of false advertising or something. The notion that this beer contains 800 of anything is somewhat alarming to me, and I'm hoping that much like popular gaming beverage Bawls, it's just a name.

The Matchup
Batman is a difficult game for people with the sharpest of coordination, and as can be expected, the game doesn't get any easier when under the influence of extremely cheap intoxicants. Still, the game is so well defined in terms of gameplay that even drunk (well okay, buzzed) I had a good time dispatching Joker's minions. The alcohol in this equation wasn't so fantastic, as the last few sips were less a pleasure than an obligation, and I'm pretty glad I can cross this particular alcohol off my list of things I need to try. If you're looking for a challenging game, pick up Batman and prepare for some long nights full of trial and error. If you're looking for an alcohol that redefines bad, Olde E will gladly take your money.

Cheers/Game on.

F-Zero X/Busch

2009-09-11T01:25:00.000-05:00

Game: F-Zero X, Nintendo, 1998, N64
Beer: Busch, 24 fl.oz., 4.6% abv
# of beers consumed during play: 1
Level Reached: 3rd Circuit
Level of Intoxication: Woozy

Game
F-Zero X is a fairly well known followup to the great original F-Zero for the Super NES. The F-Zero series is noted for being fast paced and having slick controls, meaning you weren't about to let your little brother play Pilotwings until you had cleared that Goddamn Fire Field level. Once the game got reiterated on the Nintendo 64, F-Zero fans were stunned by the evolution of the game. Flat tracks and weird elevator-music-inspired tunes gave way to looping, twisting 3D tracks and a wailing metal guitar soundtrack. For those of us who had grown up on the SNES, this was the game we all knew F-Zero was meant to be. And yes, Samurai Goroh is and always will be a bastard.

Gameplay
It's universal knowledge that any game in a given genre usually sticks to convention and plays off of a gimmick or two to differentiate itself from the crowd. F-Zero X is no different. As in other racing games, you race within a field of other vehicles along a circuitous track, and must come in first place (or at least rank highly enough to collect the greatest number of points) to win. That may have passed for high entertainment back when Pole Position was new, but nowadays, it takes more than point standings to blow my skirt up. Fortunately, Nintendo knows this and outfitted F-Zero X with more candy than a pedophile staking out a year-round school.

First off, there's 30 vehicles to choose from. That's a lot, and though you have to unlock 24 of them before they become available, when all is said and done, there's still an astonishing 30 vehicles to choose from. Those 30 vehicles all race on the track at the same time too, that's a race field of 30, which aside from some high end simulations, is pretty unheard of. Imagine the chaos of racing on a tiny little road suspended thousands of feet above the air, and there are no rails on the side of the track to keep you from doing a swan dive into the city below where you will meet with an untimely doom. Add in crazy wailing metal guitar riffs and 30 other cars trying to occupy the same space at once while traveling at ungodly speeds and this is starting to sound like a recipe for magnificent with a big helping of hot, steaming crazy on the side. If this game had had weapons, I would have just stopped the review right here and told anyone with thumbs and eyeballs to go get the damn game and learn of its superiority on their own time. Unfortunately, this game lacks weapons with which to annihilate one's opponents, and so here we find ourselves.

The lack of offensive options notwithstanding, there are still quite a few ways you can thin the herd, each ship comes with a life bar which depletes as the craft is banged around, and which, after the first lap, also serves as the player's boost reserve. Yes, in a devious and cunning twist, Nintendo have made your health and your go-juice one and the same, making the choice of whether to boost into first place or not blow up a surprisingly difficult one. In addition to hunting down anyone unfortunate enough to have boosted themselves to death, you can also wait for a jump or a section of track with no barriers and do a crazy spin maneuver which sends anyone you hit out of control, bumping them into oblivion. All this takes place at approximately a bazillion miles per hour, which brings us back to the core of the game: racing to win.

The racing is blisteringly fast and the tracks are all designed for two things: speed which tears your eyebrows off and loops, whirls and corkscrews which should come complete with their own little bottles of Dramamine. For some reason this game has the feeling of motion down to an exact science and exploits it to tremendous effect. As you race, you'll see the track begin to twist and contort, and before you realize what's going on, you'll find yourself riding a 2000 MPH Mobius strip.
This is a simple, awe-inspiring gameplay mechanic that F-Zero's main competitor, Wipeout, scarcely even addressed, which is a shame, because Wipeout had weapons. When you view F-Zero X as a whole, the parts, which are amazingly cool in their own rights, mesh together and form a kind of videogame Voltron. Each portion of the gameplay integrates so flawlessly with every other portion, that when something doesn't happen just quite right or you find yourself staring at the game over screen with adrenaline still squirting out of your fingernails, you are so eager to get back into the game that the flaws seem minor if you even notice them at all. In that regard then, this game effectively emulates sex, even when it's bad, it's still good. Better yet, you never have to worry about some psychopath ex oozing out of the woodwork ten years later claiming back child support. F-Zero X: better than a paternity suit.

Graphics/Sound
By now, everyone knows the Nintendo 64 "look," that soft-textured, brightly colored presentation that was light-years ahead of its time when the system debuted, but quickly got surpassed much in the same spirit as art deco and Jackson Pollack. Oft have I run across the sentiment that the only people who could make an N64 game that didn't look like crap was, in fact Nintendo themselves. Rare did a fine job on certain occasions, but as a whole, I have no cause to contradict that statement. Thankfully, F-Zero X is a game made by Nintendo, and it seems that despite a few glaringly overused textures and under used polygons, they hit upon a competent balance.
The game runs at a very, very buttery sixty frames per second, which makes the sensation of speed even greater. The vehicles on the track are all very different aesthetically, and while the tracks and backgrounds are pretty bland (we're talking cardboard salad with novocaine dressing and a side of air), the action onscreen will pretty much prevent you from catching anything but the most fleeting of glances at the horizon.

All the static screens (menus, title screens, etc) are strange comic book inspired drawings, which are colorful to the point I thought someone had dropped an artist's palette on a sheet of comic book inks, scanned it into the game and called it a day. They get the job done, but really don't mesh well with the rest of the game.

The sounds are nice, the few voice samples are clear enough for having been stored on a 16 MB cart, the sound effects are all well chosen and blend well with the rest of the game, and the music is fast paced, full of energy and doesn't stop. The only gripe I have is that in order to accommodate the above mentioned graphics, the sound even had to take a hit. All the sounds in the game are in mono, which really sucks because I start to think about the kind of stereo effects that could have been used to great effect in this title and I get a bit disheartened. Discrete channel audio as you were passed by other racers, the sounds of walls close by your craft whizzing by, guitar squeals thrashing madly back and forth between right and left channels...so much potential was lost. I'm sure if Nintendo had really tried, they could have found a way to keep the fast visuals and get some bad-ass stereo sound in there, but ah well...perchance to dream.

Story
This game's story is as interminable and obscure as any I've come across. Most of the admittedly sparse exposition is laid out in the first few paragraphs of the game manual. The only hint at a plot within the game is the fact that every vehicle comes with it's very own driver. Even the mighty internet is having problems coughing up any extended story on the game, and since I don't have the manual handy (it's in storage...so sue me), I'll just improvise.

In the year 1987, antigravity technology is perfected thanks to the movie Back To The Future II. Multinational corporations, sensing an opportunity to make some heavy dough, forgo using the valuable technology in practical applications which would elevate the human race as a whole, and instead sponsor deadly races high above crowded cities. Many races from across the universe think this is a tremendously nifty idea, and participate in turn, giving birth to interplanetary hate and xenophobia the likes of which NASCAR could never have achieved. Some enter the race for fame, some to fight crime, some to engage in crime, and some because they're just jerks. Alien jerks. Alien jerks who like to bump perfectly good humans with families off the road to their deaths.

See? I can write stuff. Game companies...I'm available on a contract or freelance basis.

Beer
I almost got a different beer on my trip to the store, I was low on funds and I was reaching for a can with several tantalizing X's on it when all of a sudden that unique name caught my eye. When I told a friend about my purchase later, he asked matter-of-factly: "Busch? Do they still make that?"

Well, they do, and I'm still not sure if that's a good thing. The beer smells exactly like everything else Anheuser-Busch has ever brewed which, while that's not bad, it's that same clean, grainy scent that everyone associates with generic beer. If you haven't had a beer in a long time, that smell will make you smile and crave an ice cold one, all while remembering the last good brewski you had. If you drink beer a lot, and have particular brands of high-quality beer you prefer, that odor is likely going to make you wrinkle up your nose and run for the nearest microbrew. If you had an abusive, alcoholic relative, the smell just may send you back into therapy. The taste echoes the smell. Classic Anheuser-Busch graininess and watery fermentation. Got fillings? Good, go get a strip of aluminum foil, stick it in your mouth...now chew on it. Add some overcooked rice and a slice of whole wheat bread...Chew some more. Wash it all down with water from your neighbor's swimming pool. Congratulations, you now know what Busch Beer tastes like out of a can. Now really, that may come off as a bit harsh, but remember some of the other beers I've described, and remember that I've likened them to zoo runoff and decomposing flesh, and you'll begin to see that tasting like the Jones' swimming pool isn't that bad at all on the grand scale of things. The carbonation is a bit much, but on a hot day, it turns out to be kind of refreshing.

The intoxication is fairly mundane, you get a bit loopy and just a tad more boisterous than normal. My family watched in amusement as I played the game and consumed the Busch, and we all laughed as I played. Games 'N Beer...Bringing families together.™

One thing I noticed as I rounded out my evening with the beer was that I was feeling very tired. Not tired like I had been active all day and I was getting ready for a healthy night's sleep...no, this was an obvious biological chemical response to the beer and whatever was in it. I was tired because my body was sending me the physiological equivalent of "Houston: we have a problem." Not that I'm implying this beer is poisonous, at least no more poisonous than would reasonably be expected, but that this beer, for whatever reason, makes me tired. So in that respect, this beer apparently contains distilled episodes of iCarly and Jonas Brothers musics. Were I a James Bond villain, I would feed Double-Oh one of these and fire the moon laser while Bond was sleeping it off. Instant world conquest for me with nary a hint of suave, womanizing resistance.

The Matchup
Even though the beer isn't all that great, it still elicited a few extra "tee-hee lookit dat" moments from me during the course of the game, and so I have to give it the thumbs up at least for this singular case. F-Zero X is without a doubt, one of the better classic gems for the N64, and warrants a playthrough no matter what your genre of choice is. If you happen to have some buddies over, the four-player split screen along with a case of something cheap to split will provide epic races well into the night. In the world of games, you can definitely do worse than this. In the world of beer, yeah, believe it or not, you can do worse than this.

Cheers/Game on.

Chakan - The Forever Man/Michelob Ultra

2009-09-05T00:44:00.000-05:00

Game: Chakan - The Forever Man, Sega, 1992, Genesis
Beer: Michelob Ultra, 12 fl. oz., 4.2% abv
# of beers consumed during play: 5
Level Reached: Yeah, right.
Level of Intoxication: Three Sheets to the Wind

Game
Chakan - The Forever Man, not to be confused with spiritual Chakras or Shaka Khan is a game released for the Sega Genesis. The game's sole intent is to give the player nightmares and embroil them in a quest which is, by many accounts, impossible. I'm not saying this game is difficult...I'm saying that this game is impossible to beat. You may think I'm having fun with you, but I'm not, the game is so impossible in fact that the game designers never even finished the "real" ending. If you manage (through extensive cheating) to best the game's final boss, you will be treated to...nothing. The game displays a static screen with nothing of real interest. Students of the Ninja Gaiden, Ghosts 'N Goblins, and Contra Schools of gaming will find a familiar-if dangerous and uninviting-home here.

Gameplay
You happen to be this really creepy looking guy with twin swords and a nifty hat. You and your nifty hat will traipse across several levels in search of nasty baddies who will be more than happy to nick you for a couple units of life before you dispatch them with some panic-stricken sword swipes. The cool thing is that you can attack in seven directions (straight down is apparently beyond the skill of a guy who can defeat Death in a sword duel...), even while jumping, making you only slightly less susceptible to the constant attacks launched by the game's countless enemies. One cool thing you can do is hold down the attack button and move the directional pad, allowing you to cover any angle of assault, and making you look like an undead airport traffic controller.
Each level is themed: earth, wind, water, and fire all take a turn in the spotlight as you traverse the open, sprawling levels in search of more demons, maggots, and flying whatchamacallits. Each opening stage of a given level also is home to a special weapon that is of particular use in that level. For that we can at least be thankful, the game didn't force upon us the Mega Man-esque rock-paper-scissors job of figuring out which weapon is most effective against which level. Small favors: Chakan has them.

Unfortunately, in Chakan, favors are not only small, but few and far between. Some jumps, particularly in the later levels, require a level of precision reserved exclusively for brain surgeons and Apple engineers. As you die (and die and die and die...) you will begin to actually curse the fact the game offers you unlimited lives. That's right...In keeping with the spirit of the game, you can't die! the game doesn't end until you turn the damn thing off! If you happen to find yourself on the wrong side of a bottomless pit, you are merely spit back out to the stage select level to try, try again! That's why old games rock, because incessant frustration is fun!!

The bosses are...well...I'm sure they're really something, but I can't say for sure since I never got to one. I found one insect-y mace-wielding dude, and thought he was a boss because it took about 30 hits to bring him down, but once he died, bequeathing me with a few vials full of bubbling air, the level continued with no fanfare, leaving me with a distinct feeling of humiliation and inadequacy. Just in case my intimations and veiled hints have thus far gone over your head, let me say it outright: This game hates you. I really believe the only entities who would truly enjoy this game would be either Terminators, or WOPR from the movie Wargames.

Graphics/Sound
I gotta admit, for a Genesis game, this game stands up very well visually. The entire look of the game has a very occult theme as its foundation, and little details stand out such as the space background in the stage select level and the look of your character as he swipes, runs, jumps and dies. The story scenes are very well done, being dark and thematic, and showing off the Genesis' capabilities well. The enemies within each level are clear and well drawn, and are wide ranging, usually tightly fitted within the theme of the given level you're in. There's very little asset recycling, and what there is, you'll miss because you're too busy trying not to get deaded. Some things do seem a tad out of place or a might bit rushed, such as the dissolve effect when you die or some of the background layers which don't seem to be oriented correctly, but on the whole, the game makes a nice, concerted impression.

The sound...geeze...it's a Genesis title. Call me a cop-out, but that is my review of the sound. Anyone who owned a Sega Genesis ever at any point in their lives knows exactly what I'm talking about. For everyone else, the console had laryngitis. For reals.

Chakan is no different, some of the samples are nice, such as the freaky howl right as you boot the game up. But for the most part, it seems as though all the sounds were fed through a grinder before they were programmed into the game. Still, they do the job, and you really won't even pay them any heed when you've successfully died for the thousandth time in a row.
Story
This game has a great story, and it's one of the best reasons to attempt to play this title. Its major selling point was that it wasn't another cartoony platformer with safe, happy themes, it was all about demons, death, the undead, hate, resent, curses, and chopping inhuman monsters up with a pair of swords.

As the game lays out, you are the way you are because as a great warrior, you could not be defeated, and so claimed that Death himself could not best you. Well, be careful what you wish for douchebag, because Death himself appears and challenges you. After a great battle you win and Death grants you eternal life...with a twist: now you are his servant, and cannot rest until you've purged the universe of evil. Damn. Since they obviously don't have Unisom in the afterlife, you have to go and defeat the major elements of evil, while also presumably washing Death's car and mowing his lawn because overgrown grass is so evil. Before the game and at the beginning of each level, you're treated to some cool cut scenes which offer some exposition on the admittedly simple plot, some are merely scrolling text, while others are represented through cool still images.

Long story short: Death is getting back at you for being a wanker. This means you get to kill things. That's a good story in my book.

Beer
Made by the same guys as Budweiser, Anheuser-Busch; Michelob's primary purpose is to sell beer to people who hate Anheuser-Busch but are loathe to read fine print on the side of a can. I have, no joke, heard a person say the following verbatim: "Screw Anheuser-Busch! Those profiteering gluttons! I drink Michelob, now that's a great beer from a great brewery!" I had a hard time containing my laughter until I had fully left the room, and not exclusively for the fact that someone actually used the phrase "profiteering gluttons" in casual conversation.

Aside from that, the beer is very garden variety, as I'm quickly learning most American-style beers are. This one tastes even more like water however owing to the fact that it's an ultra light beer. It smells like grain, and really fails to tickle my fancy in any appreciable way. The taste is similarly not really there, with a full-bodied non-taste that doesn't fail to disappoint. If I were to place this beer within the arcing scale of all beers I've tried, it would fall somewhere in the low end of insignificance. Those looking for a refreshing beverage that tastes good and exudes a sense of relaxation and hard-earned leisure should most certainly look elsewhere. Those looking for a sour water that gets them drunk and feeling unnecessarily bloated are finally home.

Speaking of bloating and intoxication, after five of these beers in rapid succession, I was feeling rather inebriated, and found myself chuckling jovially at the game I was losing horribly at. So if nothing else, this beer lends itself to quick drinking and a happy disposition. The beer, though possessed of a relatively low alcohol content, can be consumed so fast that deep intoxication is still possible in a short time frame. I did feel bloated and a bit sickly, but that was a negligible feeling unless I felt inclined to move anywhere, which I didn't. If you plan on staying at home alone and playing Law and Order: SVU drinking games, this is a good beer. If you plan on bar hopping or playing some intense rounds of Dance Dance Revolution with the boys while enjoying a few brews, please look elsewhere. If you enjoy some intense rounds of DDR with the boys without the excuse of being hopelessly blitzed-out-of-your-mind drunk, I don't think we can hang out.

The Matchup
Despite the rather wide gulf in quality, both Chakan and Michelob Ultra went together well, the latter complementing the former by being easy to drink quickly and the former complementing the latter by offering plenty of chances to die, put the controller down, and chug another one before diving back into the fray. There are few similarities that reside betwixt the game and the beer, the only major one is that few humans will have the resolve or masochistic tendencies required to make them want to have a second go at either of these two properties. Anyone who does has developed a rather aquired taste, and for that, I raise my glass to them.

Cheers/Game on.

Gunbarich/Mickey's

2009-08-28T23:40:00.000-05:00

Game: Gunbarich, Psikyo, 2001, Arcade
Beer: Mickey's, 40 fl. oz., 5.6% abv
# of beers consumed during play: 1
Level Reached: Beaten twice
Level of Intoxication: Buzzed

Game
Have you ever played a game that was so weird and unique that you start to think: "Wow, so that's why major game developers tend to stick to established genres."? If so, then you'll be in familiar territory here. A decidedly Japanese game, and one that only enjoyed major success in the land of the rising sun, Gunbarich is a combination of shooter, brick-smashing game, and weird pinball freeform prototype. The mind boggles when one tries to reconcile the graphic and art direction into the package. When consumed as a whole, including trying to decipher the cryptic and engrish laden cut scenes, the game begins to peg out my Japan-calibrated Double-You-Tee-Eff-O-Meter.

Gameplay
As mentioned above, Gunbarich attempts to cross breed a number of genres with rather intriguing results. The biggest game mechanic is the brick-smashing one, where you bounce a ball off bricks at the top of the screen with an aim to smash all of them, clearing the board and paving the way for the next level. Instead of a flat, boring paddle with which to deflect the ball however, you are outfitted with a pair of pinball-style flippers, which allow you more control over your projectiles. Finally, there's enemies on the play field, who shoot paralyzing blasts at you, which can make it very difficult to get somewhere to retrieve your ball before it falls of the screen, killing you. You can retaliate by bouncing the enemy's shots back at them, or hitting them with your brick-smashing balls, effectively taking them out of play. Several powerups are available, from multiball to a wider set of flippers for you, to a supercharged ball that plows through bricks and enemies alike, and all are plentiful as gameplay progresses. Every third stage is a boss, complete with a life meter, and let me tell you...these bosses run the gamut from pretty benign to cool to outright scary. The Christmas Teddy Bear boss disturbed me on a number of levels.
As you progress throughout the game, either with your anchor straddling pirate boy, or your broom riding witch girl, the enemies get tougher and more plentiful and the pace of the game becomes more frenetic, what with your balls shooting all over the place at increased speeds. Some blocks require more than one direct hit to destroy, and others will split into smaller blocks after the initial hit. All the blocks have this strange behavior of freaking out whenever your ball of doom whizzes close by them, and by that I mean they have faces whereby they shake and visibly fret. Did I mention this game was unusual? What I was really trying to say is that this game is a very close approximation of a bad acid trip.

There are also switches, which when hit cause different things to happen, including spawning foes, making impenetrable walls appear or disappear, and opening chests filled with powerups or baddies. Each level is timed, but I never felt any panic over the time limit, even when I was down to one last impossible to reach block, time never really factored into my anxieties. It's there, but unless you suck at games on the high end of the Fujita scale, there's really nothing to be worried about. To be honest, if you've had occasion to play any Breakout clones, you know what to expect here with just a few twists. If Breakout and it's ilk are your meat and potatoes, this is the gravy.

Graphics/Sound
Having been made in the dawn of the new millennium, the graphics and sound are obviously rather good. The game is extremely colorful, and everything appears to have a nifty pre-rendered look to them, keeping the visuals slick and tightly bound. The Japanese "Cutesy-Train" definitely made a stop at this station, as all of the level elements and enemies have big googly eyes and silly facial expressions. The continue screen was specifically engineered to get young adolescent males to put their hands in their pockets, root around in there, and produce more quarters within a strict and teasing 10 second time limit. Which is pretty standard in the industry of coin-operated arcade games, but seems woefully short when you spend half that time ogling the carefully rendered, bountiful, and scantily clad cartoon breasts of the game's NPC. Excuse me while I intentionally die a few times...
All the levels are themed, which makes for nice eye candy, and include such exotic locales as Egypt if it were taken over by whimsical clowns, a fairy tale castle, a Halloweeny in the sky type setting, and a Christmasy type north pole-ish setting, among others. The level sets progress differently for each of the two characters, but no matter who you pick, you'll see all the pretty, cutesy, colorful, saccharine-soaked stages in all their glory, whether you like it or not. If I had to pick a favorite, it would have to be the little pigs in pharaoh costumes dancing the Egyptian dance across the screen, yeah, they give me the giggles. They also remind me of The Bangles, and the lead singer was hot. So...high marks for the graphics, which are weird, and not for people on LSD, but which remind me of how smokin' Susanna Hoffs is.

The sound is your usual collection of computer synth fodder, with an occasional sample thrown in the mix to spice things up. Without a doubt, my favorite sound, and one that is worth the price of admission alone, is the screams of agony your character makes when hit by one of the stun projectiles, of which there are tons in the later stages. The music, lest you think they forgot something, has also been put through the industrial strength Cutesyfying machine, and is best supplemented with noise canceling headphones playing Gwar turned all the way up to 11. Okay, I take that back, some of the tunes are catchy, in the same way tuberculosis was catchy at the beginning of the 20th century, and if you are one of those creepy Japanophiles, you may very well find yourself humming along as you break bricks. But taking into account the sensibilities the rest of us have, this game's music makes Puzzle Bobble's tunes sound like Marylin Manson.

Story
Story...Story...Oh goodness, where to begin?

Well, I'm not sure where to begin since the cut scenes don't make any damn sense, and I've found zero places on the internet that satisfactorily explains the happenings in the game. The only things I've been able to divine from the game's story points are the fact that you are apparently an apprentice magician, and must advance your art by progressing through the number of stages and besting all of the bosses. Your ultimate goal is to defeat the wizard in the crazy palace, at which point you'll apparently become awesome. I was unable to determine when that point arrived. The bosses got weirder and weirder, and at the end of the game, I found myself reading the closing cut scenes with rapt attention...not because the story is really that interesting, but because I was making a last desperate attempt to make sense of the game I had just experienced. All I know is that the game continually spiralled down into a supposed universe where you would find yourself if you sat down at the Tokyo Games Show and ate shrooms and popped Amyl Nitrate...during the Hina Matsuri. Google that shit...you'll know exactly what I'm getting at.

The only other thing about the story I could figure out is that it's spun off from one of Psikyo's other shooters known as Gunbird, which is actually a really cool game. When I play Gunbarich I just pretend the story is the same as Gunbird, only it was a nightmare I was having while I was asleep in Bizzaro World. Once I look at it like that, everything makes perfect sense...So yeah, Gunbarich's story rocks!

Beer
Mickey's is an Irish themed malt liquor made by the well known Miller Brewing Company. It's in a green bottle with a green and gold label with an angry bee with cartoon hands for a mascot...that's not a joke or an exaggeration intended to get laughs, the damn bee actually has cartoon hands.

I bought the beer down at my local 7-11. The reason I bring this up is because of the guy I bought the beer from. As I was checking out, I was making the requisite small talk. The guy said how bored he was, so I mentioned they should let him watch television, he points to a set of security monitors. So I say offhandedly, "The You Show, starring you!" Well, either the guy was hard up for entertainment, or I'm much more humorous than I originally anticipated because at that comment he began to laugh deep, loud guffaws that prevented him from finishing my transaction. My money sat unbidden on the counter and other people stacked up in line waiting for their turn as this strange man took to slapping the counter and repeating the line I had just uttered in a convulsive fit of mirth. This is what stand up comedians have nightmares about. I thought to myself as the person's squall of giggling ran itself out. I only mention this because it seemed to set the tone for the rest of the night involving the Mickey's bottle and its contents. The bee's cartoon hands didn't help matters.

The beer smells rather grainy, which isn't bad, since other 40's of malt liquor smell like sewage, or runoff from a leper colony after a heavy rain. So in this case, a clean grainy smell is actually welcome. The taste is also pretty grainy, with a sort of sweetness that is enough to turn you off if you're used to drinking better. But really, Mickey's is one of the much better 40's on the market, so if you're all about better beer, and you find yourself really strapped for beer money, Mickey's will get you through till payday, but it's still malt liquor, so don't say I didn't warn you.

The buzz one catches from imbibing Mickey's is pretty pedestrian, so no real surprises there, the only notable thing is that it makes me feel...slow...I don't know how else to describe it. If you absolutely need metaphorical comparison, my brain feels as if it's an egg timer and some asshole kid is grabbing the dial and slowing it down while giggling inwardly that the casserole I'm supposed to be timing is going to get burnt and mom'll have to resort to ordering pizza again...So Mickey's equals ordering pizza. I have a feeling most readers will agree with that one way or another.
The Matchup
While Gunbarich would likely pair better with something along the lines of, say Absinthe (not a beer, I know), we have to make do with what we got. Gunbarich is pretty out there, it's not a game everyone will find enjoyable, and yet, it has quite a bit to offer to those inclined to sample its wares. Mickey's on the other hand is a pretty limited affair, but for the niche it fills, it does so admirably, and I would select Mickey's over just about any of the other Malt Liquors on the shelf if I found myself in the predicament of having to limit myself to such choices. The properties together? Not bad, not great, if you're hard up for entertainment, this might bridge the gap, but for anyone with more refined tastes...there's better pastures to graze.

Cheers/Game on.